They Drink Americanos

They drink Americanos
At the hotel bar
Looking sweet
Very sweet
Looking like girls
Who shouldn't be drinking

And they're not
They're not supposed
To be drinking

So they're drinking
Americanos

And the girl on the left
Has pretty red hair
And soft skin
And a nice smile
And she's lovely
She's just a lovely girl

And the girl on the right
Has determined eyes
And opportunistic fingertips
And optimistic eyebrows
And she's got a plan
She's got a solid plan

And they're both drinking
Americanos

And one just got broken up with
And one just got her nails done
And one just spent two hours on her outfit
And one just changed her own oil
And one just told the bartender
To meet her after his shift

One should quit drinking
She's had too much
And she's thinking too much
And drinking too much
And wanting too many things
And trying to find new ways
To say she's lonely

One's writing poems in her head
Trying to get them down on dinner napkins
Wrapping them up and shoving them
In her purse
Thinking later
She'll edit them into golden literature

One's playing with the ice cubes in her drink
Licking the watered down club soda
Off her new pink nails

Both of them are thinking
About work tomorrow

And they're both drinking Americanos

One will get off the bar
And hail a cab
And head home
To DVRed TV
And Rold Gold pretzels
And an unnecessarily large bed

And one will wait for the bartender
And invite him back to her place
With its soft lighting
And its overflowing bookcases
And a cupboard

With nothing in it
But Rold Gold pretzels

And sometimes one girl goes out
Feeling like she's two

A version of who she'd like to be
And the mistakes she'd like to make
And the men she'd like to meet
And the nails
And the napkin poems
And the naked hope

Covered up only
By a nice smile
And soft skin
And the word 'lovely'

And all she had to do
To get both those girls there
Was order a drink you drink
When you're not supposed to be drinking

So she orders Americanos
And she drinks Americanos
And she lets the girl next to her
Whisper invitations

And request
Another
Drink

I'm Gonna Make It Hard

I'm gonna make it hard
To let me go

I'm gonna remind you
Remind you
Constantly

Like a thumbtack
Pinning a photo down
To a cork board
Staring back at you

You down on the bed
With your arms splayed out
Reaching towards the window
I remember you
Reaching towards the window

What was there?
What was out there?
What were you looking for out there?

Do you not want to hear how much I'm dying?
Do you not want to know that I'm lying in that same bed
But I can't see light heading out of the window
If the headlights don't hit it just the right way

Should I have stayed all those times when I went to work?
Why am I a jerk for not letting go
When my fingers are trained
To hold on so tight

Can you see light?
I can't

So instead I'll keep my fingers
Right where they are

And I'll make it hard
I'll make it so hard
To let me go

Gonna Go Dancing in the Rain

-- A riff on the quote I posted --

"Gonna Go Dancing in the Rain"

I'm not gonna sit at home all night
I'd rather see fire escapes tonight
I can see marquees all over town
Still saying shows are playing

I'm not gonna run towards foreign suns
I'd rather be wrapped up in the rain
Drying off feels like dying off
I wanna go dancing in the rain
I'm gonna go dancing in the rain

Everywhere there's people
Acting like
The world's coming to
An end
Outside

I'll ride it out on a subway train
Towards an altogether better place

And whether the weather
Warms me up
I can still stay up
Too late

I can see the world
Getting fresh again
Refresh myself
Off the shelf again

I'm gonna go
Dancing

I'm gonna go dancing in the rain

Maybe I Screwed Him Up

Maybe I screwed him up too bad
Maybe I should have bought him a plane ticket
Maybe I should have returned more calls
Maybe I could have forced him down and made him change
Maybe I could have hugged the hell right out of him

Maybe I could have told him more
Maybe I should have said less

Maybe I should have flown to see him
Maybe I should have given him money
Maybe I enabled him
Maybe I let him think I hated him
Maybe I blew it

Maybe I let him go
Maybe I held on too long
Maybe I smothered him
Maybe I deserted him
Maybe I broke his spirit

Maybe I let all the bad stuff in
Maybe I didn't fight for him
Maybe I never tried hard enough
Maybe I never tried at all
Maybe I let him go out too much
Maybe I dropped the ball too many times

Maybe I screwed him up

Maybe I did
Maybe I did
Maybe I did
Maybe I did
Maybe I did
Maybe I did

Maybe I did

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

And I don't know when
But at some point
I stopped wishing for him back
Because I knew how ridiculous it was
To wish for him back
When I didn't even know
Why he left in the first place

Now all I wish
Is to know

Is to know
If I did it

If it was me

If I screwed him up
If it was my fault

I just wish
I knew

The Body of the Man You Love

I wish I could spend a day
In the body
Of the man
You love

I wish I could see you
Seeing him
Thinking
You're seeing me

I wish I could watch you
Make him dinner
And kiss the spot
Above his eyelids
And feel the glue
That holds you to him

Pretending it's holding
You to me

I want to see what it looks like
From where he is
From where he's standing
From where he's understanding
Or maybe not

I want to play games in his body
Make haste in his body
Feeling the leisure of knowing
You're not going anywhere

I want to look at other women
Want to be with other women
Because I already have you

I want to have that relief
Of not thinking
That it's you
It's only you
And I can't have you

I want to be confident
And charismatic
And have big arms
And a strong jawline
And a smile that convinces beautiful women
That I'm a winner

I'm a winner

I'll take that body
And your body
And sex won't be something
That I can only create in my head

I'll make it an active body
A body of soft approach
And aggressive affection

I'll put it to good use
And all the good
Will go towards you

And maybe I'll look at myself
And believe it
Not in it, but just...it

Just believe that I'm really there

Maybe instead I'll see you
Look like you wish you could look
Right at me

Bernie Lipman, Casting Agent

Mike?

Bernie Lipman here!

Listen
I'm calling about Shirley

She heard you're doing 'The King and I'
With the Springfield Players
And she wants to play Anna

What do you mean she's too old?

She's forty-nine

Your Grizabella last year
Came with her own coffin!

Mike, how many favors have I done for you, huh?

When you needed little boys for Oliver! last year
Who helped you raid the local junior college?

I want Shirley in that role
And I want her on the poster

...Well, can't you take a photo of her and glue it to the poster?

Uh huh

Okay

Well, I'll talk to her
I can't make any promises
But I'll talk to her

How's Mame going?

Mike, I told you
Stay away from the artsy shows!

I'll call you back
That's Louie on my other line

I'm trying to get him to South Pacific

No, not IN South Pacific
TO South Pacific

It's two o'clock
I'm a travel agent now until five

I'll let you go

Wait! Wait! Wait!

...There's a show called South Pacific?

Anything for Shirley in it?

Uh huh

...Now does the girl he fall in love with HAVE to be Polynesian?

Tony Hooper's Birthday Present

First of all, my mom did a much better job
Wrapping my birthday present this year
Then she did last year

I specifically asked that she use
The tape-at-the-bottom
Double-knotted-ribbon-at-the-top method
Like they do in the army

And she did

But then she hid it in the SAME PLACE

In her underwear drawer

Don't worry
I didn't go in there

I invited Fat Pants over
And made him get my gift

Afterward he cried in my shower
But then I gave him bacon
And he was fine

And now I have my present

That's my first of all

Second of all, I think it's a puppy
I've knocked on the box a few times
And I think I heard something bark
But it might have been just my soul
Aching for a beagle

If there's a puppy underneath this wrapping
I will name it after the Father of Modern Comedy

Tony Danza

Every day after school
I watch Who's the Boss reruns
With our housekeeper, Jean

I may be only eight-years-old
But I know genius when I see it

That's my second of all

Thirdly, it might be a copy of a PG-13 rated movie
I feel at this point in my life
I'm ready to progress
And finally hear mild language
Or see slightly sexual situations

Like when the new girl, Lotus
Stares at me from across the room
Begging me with her eyes
To let her use my crayons

She's named Lotus
Because her parents were hippies
That means they had extra big hips
And they liked flowers a lot

I hope it's Battle Wounds III

I saw Battle Wounds II
At Fat Pants' house
Because his parents are neglectful
Of his innocence
And it was the BEST MOVIE EVER

I can't wait to see
What happens in Battle Wounds III
Subtitle?

Battle THIS Wound

Finally, whatever it is
I'll love it
Because it's the thought that counts

(That's what you say
When you get something
Really lame)

The Fat Girl from High School

Well, Lily Jean, look at you
Just loooooook at you!

You don't remember me?

Oh honey, I don't blame you
Last time you saw me
I could barely fit through the door!

Katie Davis, remember?

The fat girl?

That's me, honey

Hmm?

Oh yes, I suppose I have lost a little

Hahaha...

Oh, it was hard all right
Although I suppose it would be a lot harder
To lose that kid you got knocked up with
Junior year

Oops, did I say that out loud?

I wasn't supposed to know about that, was I?

But I have to say honey
You sure didn't do a good job of hiding it

Why, I put two hundred dollars towards a private detective
And three days later I had all KINDS of news about you

And not just you
But--

Marla Victoria!

Is that you?

My word, you look just lovely
I'd never know you were a recovering pill popper
On her third husband
Living back with her Momma!

You keep keeping up appearances, baby girl!

Careful though
You look like you're putting on some pounds there
Around the gut area

Maybe we should start calling you--

Now wait, what did you call me in high school...

Chubby Love?

Well, honey, I hope SOMEBODY'S loving your chubby
Because with that husband of yours
Hanging out over at Lily Jean's every night
I can't see how you'd be getting ANYTHING from him

Daryl Darnsworth!

Is that you?

I can barely recognize you
With that new nose of yours

Oh, don't worry, Daryl
Lots of men get nosejobs!

Lots of vain, stuck-up
Prissy little bitchy men
Get nosejobs!

Don't you feel bad about it at ALL, honey
Not like how I used to feel bad
When you tossed food at me at lunchtime

I guess that was just your way of dealing with
Your Daddy shacking up with Mr. Turlington, the English teacher

We all cope in our own cruel ways, don't we?

Well, y'all, it was just a DE-light being here tonight

I don't know why some people dread their high school reunions

I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing you
Morbidly depressed, balding, pale
Botoxed, broke, sneaky,
Smelly, divorced, deadbeats
One more time

Now if you'll excuse me
I have to go pick up my boyfriend
From his swimsuit photo shoot...

...In the Bahamas

Y'all have a good night
Enjoy your punch
And in case you weren't picking up
On my passive aggressiveness this whole time

Y'all can go screw yourselves
With a rusty drill

Night!

If You Look at the Pictures

If you look at the pictures
They were happy

The pictures don't show you the questions
They don't show you the question marks
The inquisitive natures
The isolated incidents

Pictures just show you people
People who smile

Pictures remind you
To smile

If you look at the pictures
You see me in a sailor suit
When I was three
And the two of them standing behind me
Smiling

Being reminded to smile

You see Dad looking off to the left
Which is sort of always where he was
A little off to the left
A little bit not there
All the time

And you look at Mom
Staring at the camera
Defiantly being documented
And determined to fool you
Into thinking
She's not terrified

And there's me
Little three-year-old me
In my sailor suit

Looking like
I don't know a thing

You'd believe it
If you looked at the picture

And I have lots of pictures

But the mind holds more than the pictures

I had a friend who used to do theater
I never liked any of his shows
Too conceptual for me
Big, huge phallic objects all over the place
And nobody who saw them
Thought they were any good
Just visually, you know, stunning

And I figured he didn't know what people thought
But one night, I was there seeing a show
And he came right out and said it

He said--'In ten years, nobody will remember the show'

'But we'll still have those pictures.'

Here's one of me at the beach
The day Dad left
He went a little to the left
And then more
And then more
Until he was finally just
Out of the picture

You can see it through the years
You can see him sneak out
One piece of him at a time

A little of him goes in Disneyland
A little of him goes in Cape Cod
A little of him goes at my birthday party
And finally
He's gone

So here's the beach
Just me
Because Mom has to take the picture
Because somebody has to take the picture

Did you ever look at a picture
And wonder more about who was behind the camera
Then who was in front of it?

We never wonder about the people
Taking the pictures
When they're not famous photographers

We never let our eyes
Go beyond the shot

Sometimes I wish I could

Sometimes I wish I could go around the corner
Around the edge of the photo
Or into the ocean
And see what it was
What it was about that day
That made Dad leave

If you look at the pictures
You don't know
You just don't know

All you see is a little kid
Looking at the camera
Looking right at the camera
Trying not to look
At anything else

A Sideways Turtle

I went to a costume ball
Looking for an identity crisis

I found Cleopatra
Crying by the punch
Trying to decipher
Why her Antony
Was making out
With a Kneecap named Katie

I wound up talking
To a really cool guy
Dressed like a sideways turtle
And we crept outside
To ride out the party
On a patio
With two hoes and a shovel

He was going to take me home
But we wound up in a coat room
Where we tried on different outerwear
To see what attire
Would make us admire each other
And maybe care a little more

I put on a pea coat
And became a college professor
While he put on a fur
And purred at me
Like a mistress

I undressed him on a winter jacket
And we boxed ourselves in like a packed lunch

Waiting for the party to end
So our masks could come off

The Man Who Took My Purse

He was bald
Shaved head
Looked like a cue ball
Very scary
Bald men
Unnaturally bald men, I should say

Regular bald men
Don't usually scare me

Are you writing this down?
You should be writing this down

He had a tattoo on his arm
His left arm
A blue tattoo
Looked like a violet
Like a blue violet
Or maybe it was a symbol
A Satanic symbol, maybe

I couldn't really tell
It all happened so--

Are you writing this down?
Write down 'Possible Blue Violet'
Or 'Blue Pagan Symbol'

Always good to be thorough

He ripped the purse
Right off my arm
Then took off

He could have tried to attack me
He could have tried to--

Oh, too horrible
Just too horrible

Why do you look so calm?
Have you ever been mugged?

Of course not
You're a big tough police officer
Who would mug you?

He had the same eyes as you too
You got a brother?

Yeah, well
I might ask for another officer
Just keep that in mind
At any point
I might ask for someone else
To take down this report
Because I'm not sure I trust you
Mister Police Officer

He ran into the park
Like a coward
Like a yellow-bellied coward

You should write that down
'Yellow-bellied coward'

What?

Look for him?

In the park?

Well, I guess you could
But wouldn't it be easier
For me to just take you to him?

Well, I know where he is, Mister Police Officer
He's right where he fell
Where I left him

What are you talking about?

Got away?

No! I didn't let him get away!
What kind of weakling do you take me for?
Why do you think I keep a handgun in my pocket?

I shot the bastard

Big guy he was too
The Earth practically shook when he went down

Right near the pond
Where the joggers go

Write that down
Are you writing that down?

'Where the joggers go'

That's where I left him

No, I didn't come here
To report a mugging

I came here to tell you
Where you could find him

Oh no, he won't get away
Don't you worry

It's not like I shot him in the leg

Hahaha

Write that down, would you?

Write down--

'She didn't shoot him in the leg'

That'll give somebody
A good laugh

Crazy in Church

Dear Lord

I am here today
To ask you
Why you had to surround me
With all these crazy bitches

Brandy--BRANDY!

Where did you get those wafers?

Tell me
Pleeeeeease tell me
Those are NOT
Communion wafers
You are munching on
Like Lays Potato Chips

Oh no
Ohhhhh nooooo

You need to put those back
I will not be going to Hell
By association with you

Those wafers are the body of the savior
And you took too much Savior
Now you need to go put some of him back!

Cindy, stop looking at the priest like that
He doesn't like you, Cindy
Because he is a man of God
And you are a devil woman
That's why

And don't try doing what you did with our last priest either
That poor man spent three hours locked in one side of a confessional with you
Until we got all the gum out of the lock
And then he gave up his faith
Moved to Brazil
And started living with the monkeys

That's what you do to men, Cindy
I'm surprised you walked through that door
Without turning into a pile of dust

A nasty pile of skanky dust

Tina...

Tina...

Tina...

Do not be YELLING at me in church, Tina
I will not have you YELLING at me in church
This is a sacred space that demands respect
And I will slap you with my Bible
And knock your head on the back of the pew in front of you
If you do not show some class, Tina

I don't care if you're tired
We are not going home
Until all of y'all are exorcised
By the priest

Because I am CONVINCED
That the devil has taken root
In all of y'all's heads
And that's why y'all are crazy

But for right now
Until this mass is over
I need you to tell those demons
To shut the hell up
And keep the crazy contained
Until the father
Can throw some holy water on y'all

Oh Lord

Please remove the crazy
From my life

Please grant me peace and tranquility
Or send the Four Horsemen
To smite these nutjobs

Is this supposed to be a test?
If you wanted to test me
Couldn't you have just
Given me a terminal disease?

BRANDY!

Stop eating the Old Testament!

I don't care that we're Christian
You still can't eat Deuteronomy!

Y'all are ruining my life
And tomorrow is Monday
And you're still going to be crazy

Why, Lord, why?

Just Lost

He's not gone
He's hiding
He's hidden
He's somewhere other than here

He's not forever
He's not time
He's not subject to time
Or a minute
Or an hour
Or a mile away

He's just lost

He's in Manderlay Bay
Sipping tea on a veranda
Lounging on a sofa
Eating, waiting, breathing

Not dead
Not gone
Not left

Just lost

He's on a spirit walk
Looking for clarity
Cutting through the desert
Answering voicemails
Quilting, decompressing, tanning

Suddenly there isn't sense
The images blend together
And you can't decide
Whether he's swimming in Lake Eerie
Or camping in Tunisia

But he's somewhere
He's not gone
He exists
He's not gone
He's alive
He's not gone
He didn't die

He's just lost

Just not here
Just around the corner
Just around

Not lost, though
Not lost

The trouble is...

If you try to find him
You won't, you can't
You could be right in front of him
And you won't see

You can't
You won't
You don't

But still--

He's there

He's really there

Not gone
Not gone
Not gone

Just...

Lost

The Feria del Burro

Have you been to Otumba before?

Perhaps you have not heard
Of the Feria del Burro

The Donkey Faire

In that case
You are in for a wonderful treat

Because not only are you going to be present
For the greatest festival in the world
But you are staying
With the future winner
Of the Feria del Burro Costume Contest

This is--Apestoso

He is the smelliest donkey
In all of Otumba

But don't let his vile odor fool you

This donkey
When dressed in the proper garments
Bears a striking resemblance
To Frida Kahlo

Oh, I know what you're thinking

A thousand donkeys in Mexico
Look like Frida Kahlo
And most of them
Don't smell like they've rolled around
In raw sewage

But Apestoso has a secret weapon

HE CAN PAINT!

And not just paint
But replicate
All of Kahlo's work

It is as if she has been reborn
With a tail
And a penetrating aroma
That has caused me to pass out
Many a time

This donkey will take the fair by storm!

...And if it doesn't win

I will sue the fair
For discrimination against smelly animals

My cousin is a lawyer
A good one, too

Now, if you'll excuse me
I need to cultivate Apestoso's eyebrow
He may not be much of a donkey
But he's one hell of an artist

I Don't Like Your Face

You are not coming in my house
You're going to have send me another plumber
I don't like your face
And when I don't like a face
I don't like the person
Attached to the face

And that's that

Is that a little dog?

What's its name?

Prince Louie?

Hmm...I like that

Bring him in

I normally don't allow animals to live here
But I like that dog
I like his face

Who are you?

Oh! You're renting D3, aren't you?

What happened to your tooth?

Are you getting it fixed?

Well, you see
This is a problem

Because now I don't like your face

I liked it before
When it had that tooth in it
But now the tooth is gone
And the tooth was integral
I know that now

I'm sorry, you're going to have to live somewhere else
Until you get that tooth situation cleared up

Because right now
I don't like your face

Who are you?

Mhmm...

Convicted for what?

How many times?

Was a body ever recovered?

Do you own that chainsaw or are you renting it?

Mhmm...

You got a nice nose
I like it
Not many people
Have nice noses nowadays

You're in

You can have D3
Until Bucky over there
Gets his tooth fixed

A good nose makes a good face
And you got a good face
I like it

Joey!

What happened to your eye?

Another fight?

JESUS!

Well, you know what that means

You're sleeping in the backyard
Until the swelling goes down

No face like that
Is coming in my house

When I gave birth to you
You had a perfect face
Ever since then
You've been messing it up

Maybe another two nights in the yard
Will teach you

Who are you?

You need an apartment?

What's that gauze doing all over your--

Plastic surgery?

Severe mauling by a leopard?

You saved that many orphans, huh?

Okay

Well take off that bandage for a second
And let's see what we see

Mhmm...

I think you know
What I'm going to say

Dad, Get Off Facebook

MICHELLE HARTLEY is Dad, get off Facebook.

HARRY HARTLEY is still pretty damn good-looking for a dad. LOL.

MICHELLE HARTLEY is Dad, I'll kill you. Get off Facebook.

HARRY HARTLEY is so proud of his little cookie monster for getting her driver's license. To think, she was still peeing the bed two years ago. LOL

MICHELLE HARTLEY is looking for an axe to chop up her father's laptop.

HARRY HARTLEY is taking the wife out for a ride in the convertible tonight. Then maybe some honeymoon reminiscing. LOL.

MICHELLE HARTLEY is Ew! That's gross! And you don't even know what LOL means! Knock it off!

HARRY HARTLEY is LSHIAPMP.

MICHELLE HARTLEY is Do not tell anyone what that--

HARRY HARTLEY is Laughing So Hard I Almost Peed My Pants--But not my bed! That's Michelle's domain! LOL

MICHELLE HARTLEY is wondering how many years you get in prison for murdering a parent. I know if you murder both parents it's more, right? Can someone google this for me?

HARRY HARTLEY has posted a photo.

"Here's Michelle celebrating her fifth Halloween. We dressed her up like Janis Joplin. Her mother and I were still in our hippie phase back then. She really got into character. She didn't bathe the entire week and then threw up all over her tie-dyed t-shirt!"

MICHELLE HARTLEY has posted a photo of her father in high school--with an afro.

"Two can play this game...LOL."

HARRY HARTLEY is detagging a photo.

MICHELLE HARTLEY is Does Mom know you're on Facebook?

HARRY HARTLEY has signed off Facebook.

MICHELLE HARTLEY is probably grounded, but smiling all the same.

How to Write Music to Get Yourself Laid

I've created some simple steps for songwriters that wish to get themselves laid--mainly with girls between the ages of nineteen and twenty-six.

Tip #1: Write about all the parts of her you don't notice and don't care about. Eyes, smile, kneecaps--stuff like that. Don't write about her breasts or her ass, or any other part of her that you actually find yourself looking at for more than a minute.

Here, let me give you an example:

"Your eyebrow lifts up, tips me off, to your beauty."

Tip #2: It's always a good idea to end lines with the word "beauty," "softness," "tenderness," or "deeply."

"I rise to see you in the...morning light"

Oh, quick tip, always mention "morning light." Girls love "morning light."

"I'm captivated by your...softness. I keep on drowning in your...tenderness. You pull me into you so...deeply. I'm hypnotized by your naked, pale...elbow."

See how well that works?

Tip #3: Talk about being a dad. Girls love it when guys talk about wanting to be a dad. And make the word baby sound interesting.

"I want us to have little...bay bays. Because you stupefy me...bay bay."

Tip #4: Notice all the ridiculous verbs I'm using. "Captivate," "Hypnotize," "Stupefy"--all dumb. C'mon, people don't "stupefy" each other. A roof falling on your head "stupefies" you, not getting laid with some chick. Doesn't matter though, say all that stuff anyway. See how far you can take it.

"Girl, you know you...lobotomize me...with your affection. You...systematically destroy my database...and it's...beautiful. You eradicate me with your...earlobe...and it's...beautiful."

Tip #5: Don't just say "love." Girls don't fall for that anymore. If you're going to say "love" you have to save it for the end of the song where you can pull it out like a surprise. Keep 'em waiting until the very end.

"And most of all...I have to say...I need to tell you...I must speak the words...Coming out of my mouth...You're so amazing and I...I have to say...I...I have strong feelings that amount to...another feeling that is...this feeling of...dramatic pausing while I....wait to say it...it's...love."

Take my advice, and you'll be getting some groupie love in no time.

And if you have a thing for older ladies...

Well, what can I tell you?

Clearly, mature women with life experience are not going to fall for some goofy guy on guitar with a bunch of pick-up lyrics.

For those women, you're going to need a piano.

I'm Not Sure You're Aware of How Attractive I Am

Perhaps you're blind
Are you blind?
Maybe you're blind

I'm sorry
Blind people are sad

I get sad
When I see blind people
Knowing they can't see me

You see, I'm very attractive
And if you can't--

Oh, you're not

Well, then
There must be a mistake

You see, if you were aware of how attractive I am
You certainly wouldn't be turning down my offer
Of coffee and a meaningless fling

Meaningless for me, of course
It would certainly mean the world to you

. . . . .

What?

No, you must be blind
Or challenged
Perhaps you're challenged?

Sometimes beauty can disturb
The mentally unsound
Like how the Mona Lisa
Once drove a man to kill his entire family

I don't know if that's actually true
Sometimes I just say things
And people believe me

It's fun--for me

So when are we going out?

. . . . .

Okay, I can see this is confusing you
You must be stupid
Stupid girls just adore me
I'm used to it
Don't feel bad

I can navigate you through this

I just asked you out
I'm incredibly gorgeous
A lady pigeon once flung itself
Against my office window
Trying to get at me

So now I have deemed you worthy
Of a two-dollar coffee
And a night of ecstasy
That you'll never be able to replicate again

You say 'Yes'
I get your number
I call in three weeks
When I stumble across it in my phone
And remember that you were sort of all right looking

Then we get that two-dollar coffee
And the magic begins

Got it?

. . . . .

Okay

I'm not sure you're aware how attractive I am
Perhaps I should take off my shirt

. . . . .

Hang on

Let me put down a napkin
To catch your drool

What?

Keep it on?

My shirt?

You want to me to KEEP my shirt on?

Perhaps you're not clear on what's under here

I want you to imagine the goddess of love
Cradling a newborn baby
While a symphony plays
And sweet tarts fall from the sky

That's what's underneath this shirt

. . . . .

Okay

Are you sure you're aware of where you are right now?

Should I get a doctor?

You don't look all that well

I mean, I'd still hook up with you
But you don't look well

Wait!

Where are you going?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PASSING UP?

INNOCENT BIRDS HAVE DIED FOR THIS!

I AM A CHARMING INDIVIDUAL!

WHATEVER! YOU HAVE A LAZY EYE ANYWAY!

A LAZY STUPID EYE!

. . . . .

I gotta stop hitting
On these crazy girls

She Don't See the Twister

She don't see the twister
She just feels the wind pick up

She don't know the nonsense
She don't see the drop in luck

She believes in petty thieves
And promises that keep

Watch her jump
Until she's jumped
Then ask her
What she needs

She's a shelter
She's protected
She's unreachable

She don't see the twister
She don't know
She don't know what she should do
She don't see the twister
She just sees you

She just sees
A picture of you

She's got superstitions
And traditions on her shelves

She don't beg forgiveness
From us or from herself

She's a sweetheart
She's a preacher
She's a teaching fool

She don't see the twister
She don't know
She don't know who she can trust

She just nods and kneels
Never planning
On ever getting up

Watch debris pass her by
Watch other's worries
Make her cry

Watch her not notice
When she's washed away
Into another disappearing day

She don't notice
She don't know
She doesn't need to be

She feels safe
In danger
If the danger comes from me

And she has perfect vision
For someone
Who can't see

My Chauffeur

Hi, I'm Miriam Slater
Five-time widow
One-time mourner

I have a little problem
With my chauffeur

He's blind

Oh, I know what you're thinking
Why would you hire a blind driver, Miss Slater?

Well, first of all
Call me Miriam

Second of all
When I hired him
I hired him to be my personal trainer
But that it wasn't 'working out'

Hahahaha--

Oh come on, that's good stuff

Anyway, as soon as I started losing weight
The first thing to go was my bosom
And let me tell you something
When you spend thousands of dollars
To have plunging necklines
Tailored into all your gowns
You sure as hell ain't givin' your girls
Up for adoption, that's for sure

So I fired Claude as a personal trainer
And hired him as a chauffeur

That was when I figured out
That he's incredibly near-sighted

I asked him to drive me downtown
And he drove into the pool

Now, I'll admit
It took me a few minutes to figure it out
The Regency does have an awful lot of aquariums

But after being fished out
By my gay pool boy
I was quite irritated

Although--according to the gay pool boy
The wet look really works for me
So I suppose SOMETHING good came out of that

The shenanigans with Claude continued, however

I told him to take the limo for an oil change
And he took it to the bad part of town
And had hydraulics put on it

On our next outing
The car started bumping and gyrating so badly
That I felt like I was on my honeymoon with Husband Three
All over again

And, incidentally
I spilled my martini

NOW--If you want to know
How to get me to fire you
I'll give you a hint

It involves making me SPILL MY MARTINI

But by that point
I'd grown so attached to Claude
This is why you're not supposed to name your help
You get so emotionally invested in them

So now I have him sit on a box outside the garage
I give him a steering wheel
And I sit behind him on an empty wine box

(Of which I have many)

And I tell him to go twice around the block
Then send him home early

I'll admit, it's not terribly convenient
But Claude is a sweet man
And we always have such nice conversations
About how it looks like it's going to rain

One of the downsides of having Claude's vision, apparently
Is that it ALWAYS looks like it's going to rain

Now I drive myself, once I'm done
"Driving" with Claude

It's all rather silly, I know
But Claude and I have a few laughs
And who couldn't use a laugh these days?

Besides
Sometimes life isn't about where you're going
It's who you're riding with

Until I Had My Baby Girl

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know that choosing a car seat
Is the equivalent
Of choosing the red wire or the blue wire
On an explosive device

Choose wrong
And the world comes to an end

I brought home a car seat
That I thought would do the trick
And my wife, the new mother
Looked at me
As if I had brought home
A Belgian prostitute

'Sweetheart--'

When she says 'sweetheart'
It means 'you big fat idiot'

'Sweetheart,' she said, 'What IS that?'
'It's a car seat.'
'No, it's a medieval torture device.'
'It has clowns on it.'
'Fine. It's a medieval torture device with freaky ass clowns on it. Even better.'
'It's a car seat, Rachel.'
'Do you not read? Are you not aware that that particular brand of car seat was recalled and that there was an article written about it in Michigan Parents magazine two months ago? Have you been living under a rock?'
'God, you miss one issue of Michigan Parents...'
'Take it back. I'd shove Cecily in the trunk before I'd put her in that...THING.'

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know that a baby could die
Just by looking at an iguana

'You have to get rid of the iguana.'
'Fred? I have to get rid of Fred?'
'I was reading Pets and Babies magazine, and they said that if a baby looks at an iguana, it could go into shock and die.'
'Um...just from looking at it?'
'Apparently seeing such an odd creature can be very disturbing to an infant.'
'What if it looks at your sister?'

She didn't find that funny

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know that a one-year-old's birthday party
Required six months of planning

'This is devastating.'
'Did something happen?'
'I couldn't book the ballroom at the Hyatt. Apparently, there's some stupid cancer benefit going on in there that night.'
'Do we really need to have it in a ballroom? She's only turning one.'
'Sweetheart, what other place do you know that can accommodate the orchestra?'
'The--wait, what?'

Until I had my baby girl
I wasn't aware that my lifestyle
Was so wild and destructive

'Are you watching wrestling?'
'Um...yes.'
'Wrestling?'
'Yes.'
'Wrestling?'
'...Yes...'
'Oh. My. God.'
'Is there a...problem?'
'I guess not, if you want our daughter growing up believing that men are nothing but violent savages who beat each other with chairs and women are simply whores parading around in bikinis and slapping each other.'
'...Sometimes the girls use chairs too.'

Wrong answer

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know a lot of things

I didn't know about baby food
Or baby headbands
Or high chairs
Or about mobiles
And how Alternative Parenting magazine
Says they cause hysterical blindness

I didn't know anything really

But then I look at Cecily
My baby girl
And my insane
Yet still gorgeous wife
And I know they'll stick with me
Until I figure out
How to get it all right

Amanda and Casey Go Downtown

Amanda walks to Casey's apartment
Next to the high school
And they walk down to the supermarket

They visit Gary the Cashier
Who used to like Casey
Then Amanda, then Casey
And now has a girlfriend
That neither of them like

They stand around his register
And talk to him
Until his manager walks by
So then they buy a pack of gum

'Now we're customers,' Amanda says
'Haha, oh my God' Casey says, realizing she makes no sense at all

They leave the market
And walk down to the next store
In the plaza

Sugar--or as they call it

'The Ugly Clothes Store'

Casey's Mom shops there
And so the owner says hi to her
When they walk in

This is why Casey feels bad
Five minutes later
When Amanda swipes a pair of earrings
From the sales rack
Grabs Casey's arm
And walks the two of them outside

'Those earrings are so gross. I should have taken the blue ones with the little dots'
'Yeah, haha, oh my God, yeah'

They walk to the end of the plaza
Where the parking lot opens up
Onto the main road

Normally they'd head up to Masse Street
Walk to the Quizno's, buy some chips
Talk to Deana who was working until close
And then cut through the high school parking lot
Look through all the windows
To see if anyone was there--they didn't know why
Then go back down Brayton Street
And spend the rest of the night watching tv
At Casey's apartment
While her Mom was working at the restaurant in Mass

But Amanda didn't feel like it

'I don't feel like it. It's so nice out.'
'Um, yeah, but, what could we do? You know?'
'Why don't we walk downtown?'
'From here?'
'Yeah, it's really not that far. Couple miles, and it's all city.'
'Um, kinda far, though, and then we have to walk home.'
'C'mon, Casey, don't be stupid.'
'I'm not being stupid, I just, you know.'
'We'll be back by eleven. Your Mom's never home before one anyway.'

Amanda didn't say anything else
She just started walking

Casey wondered why they didn't tell you in school
That sometimes peer pressure isn't always
Someone pressuring you to make a decision
Sometimes the decision is made
And then it's up to you
To have the courage
To override it

Casey didn't have that courage
So she started walking

It was a city walk
That was for sure
But it was also a walk
Through the worst part of the city
Before you got to downtown

Amanda thought it was hilarious
That they were in such a bad neighborhood

She always found humor
In the situations
That terrified Casey

Casey didn't know if that meant she was uptight
Or Amanda was naive

Sometimes Casey wished something bad would happen to Amanda
Just so she could be right about something for once

As they were walking past a coffee shop
Amanda stopped and said they were going in

'It'll be so cool. We'll be, like, college students.'
'Um, it's getting sort of late.'
'Oh shut up, Casey. It's a Saturday, remember.'
'I know, but--'
'Let's try to act our age for once, okay?'

They went into the coffee shop
And Amanda ordered an espresso

Casey knew she had no clue what that was
She just wanted to sound cool

Casey ordered the cider

'Ugh, Casey, seriously?'
'I like cider.'

It was the first declarative sentence
She'd spoken to Amanda in weeks

They sat for awhile
Then Amanda got bored
So they started walking again

After an hour
Downtown finally came into view
Not quite like the Emerald City
But close, fairly close

Amanda got more and more excited
At the prospect of being in the city
On a Saturday night
But Casey stayed concerned

There wasn't as much of a thrill for Casey
Her mom, Karen, took her downtown all the time
Karen was originally from Boston
And going into the city for her
Was like a dolphin dipping back into the water
It refreshed her

But Amanda's mom never left their town
She probably didn't even know there WAS a mall downtown

'This is going to be so amazing'
'Um, let's just keep an eye on the time.'
'Ugh, fine, Casey. Kill my joy, thanks.'

Downtown were full of people
And despite being able to see the mall
Amanda and Casey couldn't actually figure out
How to GET to the mall

'This is so gay.'
'Um, yeah, maybe we--yeah.'
'Let's see if we can see any hot guys.'
'Amanda, it's nine o'clock.'
'Eleven, Casey. I said we'll start walking back at eleven.'
'No, you said--'
'Oh my God, look at HIM!'

They sat on the sidewalk
Outside a Barnes and Noble
And people watched for half an hour

Two of the guys they were staring at walked over

'Sup?'
'Hey.'
'Yeah.'
'I'm Amanda, this is Casey.'
'Cool. You just hanging out?'
'Sort of, yeah.'
'Cool.'
'Yeah.'

They went on like this for a few minutes
And then the boys asked if they wanted to go somewhere

'Just for a drive or something.'

Casey whispered into Amanda's ear--

'We are NOT going anywhere with--'

But Amanda was already standing up

'Casey can't go. She has to get home or her mommy gets mad. I can go though.'

Casey started to say something
But Amanda hugged her
And said--

'I'll text you tomorrow. I told my mom I was sleeping at you house. Bye.'

There was a threat implied there
Amanda was a master of implication

She walked off with the two boys
And within a minute
They were gone

Casey stood up
Went into the Barnes and Noble
And sat down in the cafe

The thought of walking home by herself
Was daunting to her
And she wasn't sure
Who she could call
That could come and get her
Nobody she knew had a license
Except her Mom

'Excuse me?'

She looked up to see a woman
Somewhere in her forties
Smiling at her

'Honey, are you lost?'
'Um, no, no, I'm okay.'
'Is your Mom here with you?'
'Yeah, uh, well...um.'
'How old are you, sweetie?'
'Thirteen.'
'You really shouldn't be alone downtown on a Saturday night. Is there someone I can call for you?'

Casey meant to say that she'd be fine
That she wasn't a kid
That she was just figuring stuff out
And she'd get home
And Amanda would text tomorrow
And it would fine

But instead she started to cry
She just burst into tears
And didn't know why

She ran out of the store
With the woman calling after her
And out onto the sidewalk

She ran until she was a few blocks away
And already the city was diminishing behind her

Then she had to stop
And catch her breath

She looked back at downtown
The mall still prominent
Still looking at her
Making sure of something

Then she turned around
And started to walk

Deviled Eggs

Oh Jesus, Robert
Oh Jesus
Ohhhh Jesus
Robert, Jesus
Jesus, Robert

Oh God

She's gone
She is gone
Your daughter
Is gone
Robert

This is your fault

I wanted to hire the Indian caterer, Sampul
And you wanted something more traditional
And now our daughter
Has run off
With the caterer

It's all here in this note, Robert

'I'm leaving with Jerry. It was his deviled eggs that did me in.'

What the HELL does that mean?

What the HELL was in those deviled eggs?

Who the HELL is Jerry? I thought the caterer was named Frank.

The what?

THE ASSISTANT?

She left with the ASSISTANT?

That's unacceptable

Abandoning your fiance and your family
For a caterer is one thing
But for a caterer's ASSISTANT!

I suppose HE'S the one
That makes the deviled eggs

Oh Dear Lord
I could shoot that girl in the face

OUT OF LOVE, ROBERT
OUT OF LOVE!

I knew one day food would ruin my life
I just never knew it would happen like this
I always assumed it would be a large piece of steak
Caught in my esophagus

I would choke to death
And you'd find me at the dining room table
Scrawling out my last will and testament
Using a soup spoon
And some particularly frothy mushroom soup

At least that would have been a respectable demise
But to be brought down by an hors d'oeuvre!

What?

Love?

Robert
Did you just--
Love?

Are you JOKING?

Jesus, Robert
That is really something

Robert, you spent your entire life
Merging corporations
And pillaging pension funds

You spend every Christmas in Tokyo
And for our anniversary last year
You gave me flood insurance

And your daughter's deviled egg romance
Is the event that warms your heart?

You know I love a good vacation, Robert
But I'm not quite sure how to pack
For the TWILIGHT ZONE!

I just--

Robert, wait
Wait, Robert, wait
Just wait!

This isn't from Clara
I was a little confused
Because the letter started with--

'Dear Mom and Dad'

Oh thank God, Robert
It's from Steven!

Steven left with the caterer's assistant

. . . . .

Oh Jesus, Robert

Those must have been SOME deviled eggs

Katherine's Spring Break

Katherine is in Chicago
Waiting to get on a flight
To go back home

She was sent to Chicago
After being delayed in DC
Because the flight from Chicago
Would get her back to New York faster

How strange that it was quicker
To move away from where your desired destination
Than to wait for the direct path

There must be a philosophy there somewhere, she thought

The first year she went away for break
She went to Cabo
And it was dreary
It was so dreary

Oh, it was sunny
And there were lots of parties
But she didn't know anyone
Aside from Nadette
Who she brought along with her
To keep her company

Nadette wound up hitting on some guy
And telling Kat to leave her alone

Twenty minutes she later
She was banging on the sliding glass door
Of the hotel room

Kat regretted getting a room
With a patio

Her sophomore year she went to Vegas
But she went by herself
And wound up marrying some guy
Named Dakota, which apparently
Was back to being a guy's name

They sat at a pool for two days
Until they agreed that the sheen had worn off
Their wedded bliss
And they got an annulment by mail

Kat's Dad took care of the whole thing
From his office
In between conference calls

Last summer was a total bust

She got a lake house in Maine
And spent the entire week
Ignoring the book she was going to read
And just staring off into space

Into Maine space
Which was a particularly drab
Sort of space

This year she just went to visit
Some family in Georgia

To be honest, Kat did not enjoy Spring Break

She did not necessarily enjoy school
But she enjoyed routine
And school was routine
And breaking from routine
Always seemed to have a detrimental
Biological effect on her

The very word 'vacation'
Often caused her
To develop a headache

Perhaps it was because
She did not come from a close family
And so her friends at school were her family
Meaning Nadette would be her drunken aunt
And she did not like her family/friends
Being spread out all over the world
For an entire week

It seemed dangerous to her

She didn't even want to think
About how she would feel
When graduation rolled around

The trouble was
Though she could afford
To go anywhere she wanted
She always wanted to go somewhere
With people she loved

What fun was there gambling in Vegas
Or sitting on a beach in Mexico
Or jetting off to Paris
If you couldn't have everybody you loved
There with you?

Oh sure, she could bring Nadette again
But it wasn't the same
To just bring one or two people

Vacations are when you're supposed to have
The most wonderful moments of your life
And so you start to look at the rest of your life
Which, for the most part, is not made up of vacations
As being some long, tedious enterprise
Filled with people who were not 'vacation' people

Some people spent their entire lives
Telling the people they see every day
What they did 'on vacation'

They bring up one week over and over again
Because it's all they have to hang onto

God, Kat thought, when did I become so morbid?

She got ready to board her flight
And at the last minute
She started walking in the other direction
Towards another terminal

Her father was in Los Angeles
Not the most exciting place
But it was where he was
And she wanted to see him

She decided she was going to go to corporate
And walk right into his office

And when he'd ask her
Why she wasn't in Georgia
On break

She'd say--

"Oh Daddy, the last thing I need right now--is a break."

Sacred

You can pray
Over me
You can lay your hands on me
But it won't make me be the saint
You need to save you
You gotta save yourself now
Because these hallowed halls
Won't call on anything in me
Or bring great epiphanies
And they can't make me sacred

You can cry
I'll cry too
But that's the most
We're gonna do
And once we're through I'm gonna leave you
For another fresh approach
Another set of star glass eyes
Don't you realize
That you can't make me sacred?

You can make a damn good case
You can make me feel real bad
But a good man can't be made
With the rationale of angels
And Hell will freeze
Before I'm on my knees
Telling you I'm sorry
I'm afraid that sorry's for the sacred

A Surprise Party for Caesar

Oh my goodness!

Everyone's here

How odd
Considering the only thing we're voting on today
Is an increase in taxing sheep herders

I wonder if perhaps
There's another reason
You've all decided
To scurry me away
Into this portico

Could it be...

A surprise party
To celebrate
My becoming dictator supreme?

Ohhh you devils!

You know I hate surprises!

Casca, you can stop making that face
I know you hate having your plans ruined
But don't blame yourself
I'm very hard to surprise

I mean, look at Brutus
He's wearing his purple toga
He only wears that when he's going to surprise someone
Or he plans on assassinating one of his friends

How could I NOT figure out what was going on?

Good job coming up with that fake petition, Cimber

Recall exiling my brother--Ha!

That was the best you could do?

It doesn't even look like a real petition

Plus, you know I'd only recall the exile
Over my dead body--Hahaha!

Why aren't any of you laughing?

How dare you not laugh at my jokes!

Did you not find it funny, Casca?
And you, Brutus?

Well, I can't expect you all
To understand my elevated humor
When you spend your free time
Painting the faces of the gods on your chest
Using the nipples as eyes

Incidentally, Gaius
I don't believe Poseidon's eyes
Are QUITE that large

Say, where's Marc Antony?

Shouldn't he be here for the party?

Did you not invite him?

Men, I know you're not fond of him
But he's my friend

When YOU'RE dictators
Then you can have whomever you like
At your surprise party
But today is my party
And I want--

Well, wait a minute
Don't take out your daggers yet
I want to get a good look at the cake
Before you start cutting into it

That's the one problem with this Senate
Always making rash decisions

Katie's Spring Break

On the first day of her spring break
Katie went to campus

She knew it was going to happen eventually
So she figured she might as well
Get it over with

Every year on break
Katie had stayed home
Never having the nerve
To spend large amounts of money
On a frivolous vacation

Months of debt
For one week of bliss

It just never added up to her

Still, there were better ways
To spend a break
Then how Katie did

Her breaks were always
The exact opposite
Of what a break should be

For one thing
Somehow
She always wound up
On campus

Her freshman year it was because
She had asked to stay in the dorms
Not wanting to go home
Since home was only eighteen minutes away
And it meant having to put up
With two teenage boys
And her mother
Who would force her to veer from her diet
Gain at least five pounds
And get her hair cut

If she felt homesick
In spite of all that
She remembered that it was only eighteen minutes
And funnily enough
The homesickness went away

She remembered how hallowed the halls of the dorm felt
That week three years ago

Most of the time was spent holed up in her room
Watching entire seasons of television shows
And every DVD she owned

She could have gotten a lot of reading done
But you have to be a reader to read
And Katie just isn't

By the time break was over Sunday night
And people were driving back onto campus
Katie felt like she'd been in some sort of
Cinematic prison for the last seven days

Sentenced to watch 'A Clockwork Orange'
And then try to sleep

The only thing she learned that week
Was that watching a movie
And experiencing it properly
Was, as most things are in life,
All about the timing

Her sophomore year she had an on-campus job
Working for her Anthropology professor

Dr. Mantz had asked her
Since Katie wasn't going away for break
If she wouldn't mind
House-sitting for her

Katie imagined a giant mansion
Somewhere on the west side of town
Where she could play heiress for the week

But instead she found herself in a cabin
Somewhere on the outskirts of the state

No running water
No heat
No heiress-ing

She took every chance she could
To leave the cabin
But the only reasonable excuses
She could come up with
Were the work Dr. Mantz had left her to do
Which meant trekking back to campus
And holing up in the Anthro department

Ironically, she found herself
Feeling more at home in Dr. Mantz's office
With its mahogany desk, full bookshelves
And new laptop
The only modern device
In the place

Some nights
Rather than drive back to Deliverance country
She would just crash on Dr. Mantz's couch
Pretending that she herself was a professor
Working late into the night
On some new publication

Then in the morning she would be reminded of her humble conditions
When she spied the unfinished game of Solitaire
Still blinking on the laptop screen

Last year, she was determined to have fun
Maybe she couldn't go away anywhere
But she could certainly have fun

Fun, fun, fun

Luckily, her friend Nadette
Wasn't going anywhere for spring break either
So the two of them decided
They go out every night
And party with the kids home from break

Certainly somebody actually went HOME for break, didn't they?

One night they went to Free Parking
A club that wasn't nearly as clever as its name

(Not to mention a misnomer, since there was no free parking anywhere near it)

Not five minutes after they arrived at the club
Katie ran into a group of girls
She had gone to high school with

They shrieked when they saw her
And once Katie realized she couldn't run
She took as long as possible during the hugging
And introducing Nadette
To come up with some lie
About why she was still living in Flatte Falls
When everybody else had gone away to some fancy school
Three years ago

'So, like, where do you go to school now?'
'Um, not too far.'
'Do you like being home on break?'
'Um, I would have rather gone away somewhere, but, you know...'
'Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Who can afford to now, right?'
'Exactly. So, how's everything at--?'

Disaster avoided

--Almost

Nadette met some guy
And wanted to go home with him

When Katie expressed that she felt this was a bad idea
Nadette told her to leave
So she did

She went to the pizza parlor
Across the street
And waited

After half an hour
She went back
And sure enough
There was Nadette
Outside the club
On the curb
Crying and drunk
Right in front of the girls from high school

Katie smiled at the girls
As she lifted up her friend
And helped her back to the car

Nadette had parked on-campus
And Katie had driven
So they had to sit for an hour
And have drunk talk
While Nadette sobered up

'I just, boys suck, you know?'
'Yeah, they do.'
'They fucking suck!'
'Yeah, they do.'
'Why don't they like me?'
'Not a clue.'
'I fucking hate them all.'
'Yup.'
'I'm pretty! Why don't they like me?'
'Yeah...'

Nadette dropped out of school that semester

She met a guy with two kids
An astronomer, a professor
Not at their school, at the community college
And she moved in with him
And they're getting married next spring

Katie has no idea if she's invited
All her mail goes to her Mom's house
And she never picks up her mail

Either way
She wouldn't go to the wedding

She doesn't talk to Nadette anymore

I mean, an astronomer?

This year she was going on-campus
To just get it over with

Being on a college campus
During break
Is the most depressing feeling
In the world

And Katie wanted to just feel it
And be done with it

So she drove onto campus
Parked her car at the track
And started to walk

She did the outer circle first
Working her way in

She wasn't walking fast
She was in no hurry
But she still made it to the middle
Before an hour was up

She had parked in front of the bus stop
At the corner where the English building perched
Waiting to swallow the commuters

There was a bus there
Sitting, with nobody at the stop itself

Katie walked up to the bus
The door was open
And the driver had his hand on the--

What was it called? --The pull?

For no reason, she asked--

'Where does this bus go?'

He was a man in his forties
Little grey mustache
Small eyes, not slits, just small
And skinny
Very skinny

Everything about him
Was less that it could be

'Bus goes downtown to the depot'
'Right, yeah, that makes sense.'
'Wanna go?'
'Downtown? No thanks. I have a car.'
'Could go downtown and come back.'
'I guess I could, but--'
'Could go somewhere else from there. There's a bus every day that goes to New York.'
'I'm sure this is.'
'So why not go?'

Katie felt like she was being pitched
As if the bus driver got commission
For convincing people
To take long trips

All that aside
She said--

'Sure, why not?'

She got on the bus
Paid the fare
And walked to the back

As campus rolled past her
It looked smaller

Perhaps because she was up higher
Than she would have been in her car

It almost looked as if she was flying from it
Rather than just riding away from it

Would she go to New York?

Maybe she would
Or maybe she would just spend all day
Shopping at the mall
Buying new outfits
Driving herself into debt for months
For a day's worth of fun

But today that felt
Like it would be okay

It felt as if
She had earned it

What's Your Point?

Yeah, I'm wearing the small
I'm wearing it all around town
And I might find myself
Wearing it
To your funeral
You keep talking

I'm wearing it
And I'm wearing it out
And yeah it's small on me
That's why it's called a small

What's your point?

No, I haven't made dinner
I have no plans on making dinner
Dinner can make itself
Because I'm going out
And I'm going to have fun
And I don't particularly feel hungry
So I'm not making dinner

You're right
I may never make dinner again

What's your point?

You make all these little statements

About my size
About my housekeeping
About the fact
That I let the kids
Dress up like Santa
In July

And then you just let those comments sit there
Gathering dust
Waiting for me to address them

Well I'm not addressing them anymore
I'm just letting them mold over

You want to say something
Say it

State your case
Then I'll give you a verdict

But so far I've yet to hear a point
So I'm going to point my finger at you
And ask you one more time

What's your point?

About my shirt
About dinner
About the perfume
I smelled in your car
When I took it to the mechanic's yesterday?

Oh, I forgot to mention that earlier, didn't I?

Would you like me to make it a point
To mention it now?

Mhmm

Didn't think so

Letters from Across the Street

We get letters from across the street
That tell us of a wondrous land
Where rent gets paid
On time

And girls dance around
To Motown music

And fresh pasta is made
And consumed
In large colorful bowls
While golden light
Graces dining areas

We get letters about love making
That happens on beds
With plump comforters
And newly washed blankets

About mood music played
While massages are given
And mistakes are forgiven
And the given circumstances
Are oh so much better
Than ours

We get letters about friendships
That revolve around intellectual discussion
Rather than video games
And pot smoking
And chain smoking
And borrowed cigarettes
Overflowing ceramic ashtrays
From yard sales
We go to on weekends

And late night fucking
Other people's girlfriends
While they're busting their ass
At a club downtown

We get letters stuffed in pails
Brought over by clotheslines
That connect us to our happy neighbors
Across the city street that hosts
Both noisy bars
And vegan restaurants

The bars are ours
And the vegans are theirs
And we share only a clothesline
And a pail
Into which we put
Our hopes and dreams

We seem to be okay where we are
But we can't help but see
The greener grass
Growing on another fire escape
And the lovely nape
Of our neighbor's girlfriend's neck
As she lets down her hair
After a long, long day

We pray to one day
Be the people across the street

But until then
We simply read
Their letters

Aren't We Going Down?

Aren't we going down
Grabbing cases
Grasping straws
Storing up for winter
Trying to cling
Bringing appearance
To the tables
Of our friends
Saying 'No, no, no'
It won't end

Aren't we rolling rock
Baby, aren't we getting better
Aren't we determining our worth
In spiral notebooks
In garlic powder
In old cars
In back seats of old cars
In playing cards
In losing

Aren't we so dependable
Oh so co-dependable
Feeding each other cut-up meat
Meeting each other nowhere near halfway
Pretending to pay attention
To what the other wants
Wanting to scream out our demands
And not understand a damn thing

Aren't we tired
Aren't we trashed
Aren't we making rash decisions
Making ourselves into people
That shouldn't be around each other
Aren't we causing scenes
Aren't we not the we that we wanted to be?

Aren't we mumbling
Aren't we whispering
Aren't we going in other rooms
Living in other rooms
Sequestering ourselves
Wondering what the verdict will be

Aren't we doing a spiral
Aren't we twisting around
Aren't we hard to nail down
Aren't we hardened
Aren't we hard to get past?

Don't you ever miss the Bahama feeling
Like we were on vacation
Just because we were looking at the ceiling
Laying next to each other?

Don't you wanna be like
The couples we like
On tv?

Aren't we better than this?
Can't we go up and grow up and go up and go up and go up?

Or at least remove these question marks?

Tammy Tries on Pants

Tammy tries on pants
In the backyard
Where the broken mirror
Rests against the tree

She tries them on
While Roger sits inside
Fiddling with the pipes

The plumber's wife

That's her
The plumber's wife

But he makes a good living
Still

Somehow that never seemed
As satisfying
As being the wife
Of an artist

And Roger ain't making such a good living
Anymore

It becomes necessary
To start thinking
About bringing in extra income

This job falls on Tammy

So she tries on pants

She normally wears skirts
Short skirts
Really short skirts

But that was before
Before she needed to think about getting a job
And she realized she was too old
To get a job as a waitress
At the places where the customers
Tip big enough to pay the rent

So now she was going to get a real job
And that was just fine with her

She instantly regretted
Buying the pants
In the sizes that she did

She had a nice ass
And it showed
It really showed
And that wasn't good

People didn't need to be looking at her ass
They needed to be looking in her eyes
Taking her seriously

Then there were the pants
That showed off too much ankle
And ankles weren't bad
But hers were getting big

Too big

And she needed to hide them
But what was the solution for that?

Bell bottoms?

Upon trying on one pair
She saw that she had turned into her mother
A woman who never looked pretty
Her entire life

Tammy forgot that she had that in her
To look so plain

The tops she got to match
Were even worse

She wondered if it was possible
To look serious and pretty
Or if people stopped respecting you
The minute they started wanting to sleep with you

Roger always wanted to sleep with her
That was never an issue
He just never wanted to listen to her

Maybe it was her fault
Maybe the pants looked fine
And it was just her insecurity
Thinking she looked boring

With the pants on
She had to look at her face
Nothing but her face

Something she'd never paid much attention to

When you have a nice body
You can work it
And work other eyes away
From the parts of you
That you don't like

When you cover yourself up
All you have are two eyes
And begging

Even when she managed to use big words
And mention the college she got into
Before she had to drop out
Because Carter was born

They still dismissed her
Behind their glasses

So why bother?

Couldn't anyone come up with something
That makes you look sexy
But still all about the business?

Could someone make something like that?

Please?

She gave up

She threw on some old jeans
And one of Rob's big white t-shirts
Finally collapsing on the couch
Trying to sneak in a nap
Before grabbing Chinese
From the place down the road

She awoke to find Roger sitting on the couch with her
Stroking her back
His hand warm against her skin
Underneath the t-shirt

'You tired?'
'Yeah.'
'I can go get the food.'
'It's not about the food. It's me being another dumb old lady who used to have nice tits.'

Roger dropped something
On the coffee table

It was a course catalogue
With a hi lighter on top of it

Then he whispered in her ear--

'If you're dumb, then I'm even dumber for marrying you and loving you and having my kids with you, and I'm no dummy, Miss Tits--and they still look damn good.'

Then he lifted her up
All of her
All the hairspray
And lipstick
And fake nails
And heart

And he took her to the pool outside
And threw her in

Her laughing the whole time

Theresa Tries On Lingerie

Theresa tries on lingerie
In the privacy
Of her home

She tries it on
While Robert's at work

The doctor's wife

That's her
The doctor's wife

But he's a pediatrician
Somehow that never seemed
As seductive
As being the wife
Of a surgeon

Robert always has so much free time

It becomes necessary
To fill the free time
With something

This job falls on Theresa

So she tries on lingerie

She normally just wears nightgowns
But that was before
There was a noticeable drop
In interest from Rob

The other night she initiated
And he said he was 'tired'

This was a first
An unwelcome first

A very unwelcome first

It would be the last
Theresa would make sure of this

She instantly regretted
Buying all the garments
With snaps attached

Rob had big, chubby fingers
He couldn't open a ziploc bag
Without tearing the plastic

She shuddered to think what he would do
To a tiny piece of laced
Fastened softy next to her exposed thigh

Then there were those articles
That were not meant
For women her size

Upon trying on one such brassiere
She found that she could only cover
One of her breasts
And that was using the ENTIRE brassiere

The bottoms were even worse

Trying on one of them
Felt like giving herself
A pelvic exam

Most of the pieces were just silly
Theresa wondered if some people
Found silly to be sexy

Rob wouldn't
He'd take one look at her
And ask if it was Halloween already

Maybe it was her fault
Maybe this all looked good
And it was just her insecurity
Thinking it looked bad

The stretch marks seemed so much more visible now
Than right after she'd had Kathleen and Christopher

Her skin looked pale

When you're young and you can't tan
Your skin is milky
Creamy
Pure

When you're old it's just pale
And doughy

Even when she managed to lose weight
She never seemed to lose it
Where she wanted to lose it

Her breasts would shrink
But her waist would stay
Right where it was

So why bother?

And everything she tried on
Seemed to be meant for someone
With an impeccable backside

Wasn't there lingerie
For women
Who didn't like their asses?

Could someone make something like that?

Please?

She gave up

She threw on some old jeans
And one of Rob's big white t-shirts
Finally collapsing on the couch
Trying to sneak in a nap
Before having to make dinner

She awoke to find Rob sitting on the couch with her
Stroking her back
His hand warm against her skin
Underneath the t-shirt

'What's all that junk on the bed?'
'I was trying to become a sex kitten.'
'How did that go?'
'I found out I'm rabid.'

Rob laughed and lifted up her shirt
To expose the small of her back

He bent down and kissed it
Slowly working his way up
Until he was at that spot on her neck
That always gave her chills

Then he whispered in her ear--

'You've never looked good in clothes. That's 'cause they can't do you justice.'

Then he lifted her up
All of her
All the weight
And marks
And matter
And mess

And he took her to the bed
And they made love on the lingerie

All the silly garments
Becoming effective
And defective--unreturnable
And all at the same time

Go Live Your City Life

Go stop and start
At stop lights
Never noticing
They're green

Go walk along the sidewalks
Taking sides in arguments
Saying things that you don't mean

Go do a pirouette
Go take a class
Go raise your brain

See if the car parked outside
Is a man here to take you
Away from all your pain

Go pray in foreign churches
Find the medicine
That cures your sin

Go ride the elevator
To the lowest floor
It reaches

Go give homeless people advice
But keep hold of your spare change

Don't ever catch a sunset
Don't ever breathe fresh air
Don't ever stop to think
You stooped to running
Coming here

Go buy expensive pillows
Go hug them to your chest
Go spray perfume along your breast
And see if you can test
Your senses

Go live your city life
Go drown in all your noise
Go flirt and fuck and fantasize
Go meet your other boys

Go tell people your secrets
Close your eyes
Take a dare

Go live your city life
And see if anybody cares

Kaitlynn on the Roof

I'm the roof
Bowing with Grandpa
In the rain

My Mom told me
That Grandpa was upstairs
Bowling with God

So I went up on my Grandma's roof
And Mom was right
There he was
Bowling

God was there too
But God was concentrating
On getting a strike

It was raining pretty bad

That's how you know
God is bowling
When you hear thunder

Grandpa was happy to see me
Not just because he misses me
But because I'm a really good bowler

My cat was up there too
And a few of my goldfish
And George Washington

(He's not a very good bowler)

It's hard to bowl in the rain
But I gave it my best shot
And when I heard my Mom
Yelling at me
To get down off the roof
I was sad that I hadn't put
My best foot forward

Grandpa gave me a hug
And told me not to go up on the roof anymore
When it rains

'But then how will I see you?'

He whispered the answer in my ear
And I laughed at how easy it was

'Okay, Grandpa. See you later. Tell God I said bye.'
'I'll tell him after. God gets mad if you talk during bowling.'

Geez, it's just bowling

Find Your Center

Reach out with your arms
Try to touch the sides of the room
Gather your thoughts
In a blanket in your mind
And try to find
Your center

Now...

Did you lock the door
When you left today?

Did you remember to sign Carly
Up for pottery class?

Did you write all of Chris' games
On the schedule
On the fridge

Did you get the organic peas
You wanted to try?

Did you remember to remember
That thing you forgot?

Did you?
Did you?
Did you?

See the paint on the wall
Imagine you are the paint
Visualize being paint
Smell like paint
Taste like paint

Be the swirl in the center
Of the paint can

Find that swirl
Find the girl you once were
Find your center

Now...

Did you yell too loud
When you yelled at Paul
When he forgot to get shampoo?

Did you fax that sheet
To the London office
Did you do it at 3pm
On your time or their time?

Did you cry at least once
In the past two weeks?
Because you need to stay in touch
With your feelings

Have you become too hard?
Have you become too much?
Have you been too demanding
On yourself

Is that a cop-out?

OH!

Did you pay that speeding ticket?

. . . . .

You're a walnut
You're just a little walnut
Sitting in the forest
Waiting for the sun to set and rise
And set again

And maybe a squirrel
Or a chipmunk
Will come by
And swallow you whole

If that happens
Don't you want to say
That you lived
The best life you could
Even as a walnut

Or an acorn
Or maybe a little mushroom
Growing on the side of a tree?

Be the best walnut
You can be

Now...

When was the last time
You and Paul made love?

That can't be that healthy

When did you last tell Chris
You were proud of him?

When does Carly have to sign up
For Drivers' Ed?

Did you remember to cancel
Your next therapy appointment?

And the roof needs replacing
And the kitchen needs new tiling
And there's a chance
A small chance
That you're pregnant

Things are falling out of your mind
Like sheep running out of a pen
And once something's gone
It gets harder and harder
To put it back again

What's next?
What's next?
What's next?

. . . . .

And class is over

Good

Very good

Sometimes it's important
To let yourself
Be silent

And revel in the silence

Brenna's Not Talking to Brian

I'm not talking to Brian.

Because he was being weird at the party
And then he asked me out
And I said 'Yeah'
Even though he was being weird
Which is so incredibly nice of me

And then he stood me up

So I was, like, Fine, I'm never talking to him again

Then he called, and I answered
And he said he wasn't coming

So I was, like, 'Fine, I'm never talking to you again'

And he was, like, 'Fine'
Instead of being, like, 'Oh my God, no!'
Which is so weird of him

Then he posted something on my wall
Asking if I called him weird
And I messaged him back saying 'Um, no, I didn't call you weird'
God, he's so weird
Like, I didn't tell anybody but Marissa and Sara
That he's really weird
So obviously he couldn't know that I called him weird
So how dare he accuse me of calling him weird, you know?

So I was NEVER going to talk to him again

Then he texted me saying 'Hi'
So I texted him back
You know, to see what he wanted
And he was all, like, 'Let's make out lol'
And I was like, 'Um, fine'
Because, like, I was bored, whatever
And I didn't really want to do it
But it didn't matter
Because he stood me up AGAIN

So now I'm never going to talk to him again
Ever, I'm so done with him

Oh wait, this is him

Should I answer?

Yeah, let me just see what he wants
He's so weird
I'm totally over him--

Hello?

Hey Mister Sexy Man, what's up?

California Won't Cure You

Kid, you can hop on that plane
And fly away
To sunshine
But that won't make the bruises
Fade

You can dance in the water
Of the Great Pacific
And walk along the piers
Ride the Ferris wheels
Eat the sushi

But that won't help you
Disappear

California ain't a fairy land
And it ain't magical
It's just a state
Just like any other state
Not a state of mind
A geographic state

Yeah, it's nice
And yeah it's a party
But when you turn a vacation
Into a residence
You get all the same problems
You had before

You know they still have the bad stuff
In California

You know they still drink hard
In California

You know she can still call you
In California

And the plane rides
Aren't as long as they used to be
Not like she has to
Get to you by
Horse and buggy

So you can go to California
If you want to
But it won't cure you, kid

A new address can't fix the mess
You're in

Boring Monologue

-- Brad's suggestion --

"Boring Monologue"

Ugh, that monologue
That f**king monologue
Jesus f**king Christ
That monologue

What the f**k was that?

I was bored out of my f**king mind

And the chariot!

What was that even about

Was the chariot supposed to mean something?

Was that about his father?

Is the chariot a metaphor
For his father?

I didn't get it
I didn't get it at all
What a waste of my f**king time

And what--?

OH MY GOD!

The f**king pause!

Was he kidding me with that pause?
Was he f**king kidding me
With that pause?

It wasn't even a pregnant pause
That pause gave birth

That f**king baby
Spilled right out onto the floor
And he kept right on pausing

F**k me like a f**king aardvark
In the f**king forest
With the f**king trees
Falling all the f**k around me
That f**king thing was awful

Who told him that was a good monologue?

What brain-dead acting coach
Told him
That monologue
Was a good idea?

F**k the f**king universe
On a giant f**king dragon
That s**t was f**ked up

What was that part about the mornings?

...That part wasn't so bad

But holy f**king mother of God
The rest of it made me want to kill myself
And everyone in this room

Did you see me jabbing the pen
Into my thigh?

God, that f**king monologue
Made me want to become a cutter again
Jesus Christ

I think the reader is asleep

Hey Chris, you asleep?

He's asleep
That's how f**king boring
That monologue was

Holy f**king cow balls

He's asleep
My ass is asleep
That was a disaster

Shoot me in the f**king face

Ugh...

You know...

He wouldn't be bad as the son though
I could see him playing that

Yeah, let's call him back

I think I could work with that

Carol Channing is Better Than You

-- Okay, Kevin, here it is. --

"Carol Channing Is Better Than You"

September, 1948

Miss Davidson, thank you so much
For coming to the audition today

Your agent was right
You are QUITE talented

And you were just what we were looking for
When we envisioned a female performer
For 'Lend an Ear'

Notice that I used the word 'were'

We WERE looking for someone like you

And then...

Well, I'm sure you met Miss Channing
She was sitting out here with you
And she went in first

Hmm?

No, of course we weren't beating up a cat
What are you--?

Ohhh

No, that was her singing

Yes, I see how you could be confused

Anyway, we just LOVED her

She completely altered our perception
Of what we want for the show
We're going in a totally new direction now

Hmm?

Yes, THAT Miss Channing
The one who was sitting in here with you

Ohhh, you know her?

My, you're very lucky
What a TALENT!

Hmm?

Yes, THAT Miss Channing
Carol Channing
The girl you know
Who was just sitting here with you

Yes, of course we LISTENED to her
What else did you think we were doing in there?
Watching a donkey give birth?

Miss Davidson, I was KIDDING about the donkey

Look, I understand that you're jealous, but--

Why are you laughing?

No, of COURSE this isn't a joke

Why would we--

Miss Davidson, please stop laughing
Pull yourself together

I know these are tough times to find a job in
But you'll find another place to work

It's just unfortunate that you auditioned
Against such a talented--

Hmm?

No, I haven't had my hearing checked recently
Why do you ask?

Miss Davidson, envy is a very unappealing characteristic
In a performer

I suggest you try to behave more professionally
At your next audition

You might want to take some tips
From Miss Channing

No, I do NOT believe
She rubs sandpaper over her larynx
Before every audition
But I suppose that's something
You'd have to ask her

Good day, Miss Davidson

I'm sorry we couldn't use you
But what can I say?

Some people got it
And some people don't

Mrs. Brugel's Field Trip

Okay, children
Line up behind the velvet rope

This is where we stop
For the first lesson
On our educational field trip

"The Velvet Rope and You"

Velvet ropes
Are a sign of acceptance

Many a time, your teacher
Mrs. Brugel
Has been kept behind these velvet ropes
At mean places
That don't appreciate
Inner beauty

But that was before she stumbled onto this lovely establishment
One night after she had been drinking--

--Um, Sprite, drinking lots of Sprite--

And she wound up here
At The Crew Cut

A place where women
Can revel in their womanhood

That's why we had to leave
All the boys in the class
Back in the bus

Well, girls
How does it feel
After centuries
Of being kept underneath the glass ceiling
To finally find a place
Where you and only you are welcome?

THIS is PROGRESS!

Oh! Kara, don't touch that, honey
That's a riding crop
It's used on horses
And...

...Bad horses

That's the dance floor
That's where our bodies express our joy
By joining with music
Creating continuous movement
That translates into physical art

Oh, and that's the Naughty Cage
That's where you go when--

When your joy gets a little too...Joyous

And when you want to experience that joy...with others

That's Lanie
She's the bartender here

A bartender is someone
Who makes drinks for you
Like...

Cranberry juice...and other things

Lanie and I are very, very, very good friends
As a matter of fact
We've been in the Naughty Cage
Quite a few times

Hahahahahahaha

Ohh, you had to be there

GASP!

Girls, look on the wall!

That's me!

That must have been taken
On Curly Cowgirls Night!

See, there I am
Riding the mechanical bull
Without my--

AH! LOOK AWAY!
LOOK AWAY!

Why don't you all just go back to the bus
And wait for me

I'll be out in a second
After I go say 'Hello' to my friend Lanie

...And her friend Deb

And since you've all been SO well-behaved
We can stop at Pizza Hut
On our way back to school

It'll just be our little secret

Tongue Twister

I like his dark matter
Blown up crazy ass
Mad hatter mode of living
Giving me the

I don't care
I don't look
I don't cook
I don't care

His flat tattooed arms
And the ring in his lip
I like way he rolls his 'r's
And the curve of his hips

He's got a vampire
Fired up voice
With a scratch undertone

He don't dance
And he don't drink
But he can think like a poet

And I know it's gonna get me
When he's apathizing beside me

His eyes can go dead
While the rest stays alive
He can survive on bread and cigarettes
And he likes when I call him a mess

I like his living
Like his giving me
A run-around time

He's got a citrus aftertaste
That tastes like bourbon and lime

He's got a rhythmic fingerprint
And he stutters a bit

And I like that when my friends see him
They think he's into kinky shit

I can't get my words around him
I always miss
He gets all fumbled in my mouth
And he makes my tongue twist

Some Other Star

Some other star's
Gonna have to light you now

You're going to have to sleep
Underneath another solar plexus

Perhaps with another pillow
And another pillow partner

Who can say?
Who can say?

Some other coffee shop
Will occupy your Sundays

Some other big city
Will have to be
Your big city

And some other me
Will have to be your me

But maybe I can find that star one day
And maybe I can stay underneath it
Until I have to leave

And find a star
For me

Play We Are Family

I have a suggestion...

Play 'We Are Family'

When your sister's boyfriend
Has left her...again
For another woman...again
And he took the dog...again

Play 'We Are Family'

When you're a wedding
Where the only person you know
Is the guy who brought you
And he's out puking in the koi pond

Play 'We Are Family'

When you find out that your mom
Beat cancer
And not just beat it
But beat the shit out of it

Play 'We Are Family'

When your brother
Brings home a girl
That nobody in your family likes
And tells you
That she's pregnant

Play 'We Are Family'

Play that song
And you'll forget the arguments
And the petty squabbles
And the money your uncle owes you
And you'll just be glad
To have a family
When a lot of people don't

And you'll get a kick out of watching the guys
Get uncomfortable
Singing--

'I got all my sisters with me'

So go ahead
Play it

And don't forget to call your mother!