Crazy in Church

Dear Lord

I am here today
To ask you
Why you had to surround me
With all these crazy bitches

Brandy--BRANDY!

Where did you get those wafers?

Tell me
Pleeeeeease tell me
Those are NOT
Communion wafers
You are munching on
Like Lays Potato Chips

Oh no
Ohhhhh nooooo

You need to put those back
I will not be going to Hell
By association with you

Those wafers are the body of the savior
And you took too much Savior
Now you need to go put some of him back!

Cindy, stop looking at the priest like that
He doesn't like you, Cindy
Because he is a man of God
And you are a devil woman
That's why

And don't try doing what you did with our last priest either
That poor man spent three hours locked in one side of a confessional with you
Until we got all the gum out of the lock
And then he gave up his faith
Moved to Brazil
And started living with the monkeys

That's what you do to men, Cindy
I'm surprised you walked through that door
Without turning into a pile of dust

A nasty pile of skanky dust

Tina...

Tina...

Tina...

Do not be YELLING at me in church, Tina
I will not have you YELLING at me in church
This is a sacred space that demands respect
And I will slap you with my Bible
And knock your head on the back of the pew in front of you
If you do not show some class, Tina

I don't care if you're tired
We are not going home
Until all of y'all are exorcised
By the priest

Because I am CONVINCED
That the devil has taken root
In all of y'all's heads
And that's why y'all are crazy

But for right now
Until this mass is over
I need you to tell those demons
To shut the hell up
And keep the crazy contained
Until the father
Can throw some holy water on y'all

Oh Lord

Please remove the crazy
From my life

Please grant me peace and tranquility
Or send the Four Horsemen
To smite these nutjobs

Is this supposed to be a test?
If you wanted to test me
Couldn't you have just
Given me a terminal disease?

BRANDY!

Stop eating the Old Testament!

I don't care that we're Christian
You still can't eat Deuteronomy!

Y'all are ruining my life
And tomorrow is Monday
And you're still going to be crazy

Why, Lord, why?