Tony Hooper's Birthday Present

First of all, my mom did a much better job
Wrapping my birthday present this year
Then she did last year

I specifically asked that she use
The tape-at-the-bottom
Double-knotted-ribbon-at-the-top method
Like they do in the army

And she did

But then she hid it in the SAME PLACE

In her underwear drawer

Don't worry
I didn't go in there

I invited Fat Pants over
And made him get my gift

Afterward he cried in my shower
But then I gave him bacon
And he was fine

And now I have my present

That's my first of all

Second of all, I think it's a puppy
I've knocked on the box a few times
And I think I heard something bark
But it might have been just my soul
Aching for a beagle

If there's a puppy underneath this wrapping
I will name it after the Father of Modern Comedy

Tony Danza

Every day after school
I watch Who's the Boss reruns
With our housekeeper, Jean

I may be only eight-years-old
But I know genius when I see it

That's my second of all

Thirdly, it might be a copy of a PG-13 rated movie
I feel at this point in my life
I'm ready to progress
And finally hear mild language
Or see slightly sexual situations

Like when the new girl, Lotus
Stares at me from across the room
Begging me with her eyes
To let her use my crayons

She's named Lotus
Because her parents were hippies
That means they had extra big hips
And they liked flowers a lot

I hope it's Battle Wounds III

I saw Battle Wounds II
At Fat Pants' house
Because his parents are neglectful
Of his innocence
And it was the BEST MOVIE EVER

I can't wait to see
What happens in Battle Wounds III
Subtitle?

Battle THIS Wound

Finally, whatever it is
I'll love it
Because it's the thought that counts

(That's what you say
When you get something
Really lame)