My Chauffeur

Hi, I'm Miriam Slater
Five-time widow
One-time mourner

I have a little problem
With my chauffeur

He's blind

Oh, I know what you're thinking
Why would you hire a blind driver, Miss Slater?

Well, first of all
Call me Miriam

Second of all
When I hired him
I hired him to be my personal trainer
But that it wasn't 'working out'

Hahahaha--

Oh come on, that's good stuff

Anyway, as soon as I started losing weight
The first thing to go was my bosom
And let me tell you something
When you spend thousands of dollars
To have plunging necklines
Tailored into all your gowns
You sure as hell ain't givin' your girls
Up for adoption, that's for sure

So I fired Claude as a personal trainer
And hired him as a chauffeur

That was when I figured out
That he's incredibly near-sighted

I asked him to drive me downtown
And he drove into the pool

Now, I'll admit
It took me a few minutes to figure it out
The Regency does have an awful lot of aquariums

But after being fished out
By my gay pool boy
I was quite irritated

Although--according to the gay pool boy
The wet look really works for me
So I suppose SOMETHING good came out of that

The shenanigans with Claude continued, however

I told him to take the limo for an oil change
And he took it to the bad part of town
And had hydraulics put on it

On our next outing
The car started bumping and gyrating so badly
That I felt like I was on my honeymoon with Husband Three
All over again

And, incidentally
I spilled my martini

NOW--If you want to know
How to get me to fire you
I'll give you a hint

It involves making me SPILL MY MARTINI

But by that point
I'd grown so attached to Claude
This is why you're not supposed to name your help
You get so emotionally invested in them

So now I have him sit on a box outside the garage
I give him a steering wheel
And I sit behind him on an empty wine box

(Of which I have many)

And I tell him to go twice around the block
Then send him home early

I'll admit, it's not terribly convenient
But Claude is a sweet man
And we always have such nice conversations
About how it looks like it's going to rain

One of the downsides of having Claude's vision, apparently
Is that it ALWAYS looks like it's going to rain

Now I drive myself, once I'm done
"Driving" with Claude

It's all rather silly, I know
But Claude and I have a few laughs
And who couldn't use a laugh these days?

Besides
Sometimes life isn't about where you're going
It's who you're riding with