How to Write Music to Get Yourself Laid

I've created some simple steps for songwriters that wish to get themselves laid--mainly with girls between the ages of nineteen and twenty-six.

Tip #1: Write about all the parts of her you don't notice and don't care about. Eyes, smile, kneecaps--stuff like that. Don't write about her breasts or her ass, or any other part of her that you actually find yourself looking at for more than a minute.

Here, let me give you an example:

"Your eyebrow lifts up, tips me off, to your beauty."

Tip #2: It's always a good idea to end lines with the word "beauty," "softness," "tenderness," or "deeply."

"I rise to see you in the...morning light"

Oh, quick tip, always mention "morning light." Girls love "morning light."

"I'm captivated by your...softness. I keep on drowning in your...tenderness. You pull me into you so...deeply. I'm hypnotized by your naked, pale...elbow."

See how well that works?

Tip #3: Talk about being a dad. Girls love it when guys talk about wanting to be a dad. And make the word baby sound interesting.

"I want us to have little...bay bays. Because you stupefy me...bay bay."

Tip #4: Notice all the ridiculous verbs I'm using. "Captivate," "Hypnotize," "Stupefy"--all dumb. C'mon, people don't "stupefy" each other. A roof falling on your head "stupefies" you, not getting laid with some chick. Doesn't matter though, say all that stuff anyway. See how far you can take it.

"Girl, you know you...lobotomize me...with your affection. You...systematically destroy my database...and it's...beautiful. You eradicate me with your...earlobe...and it's...beautiful."

Tip #5: Don't just say "love." Girls don't fall for that anymore. If you're going to say "love" you have to save it for the end of the song where you can pull it out like a surprise. Keep 'em waiting until the very end.

"And most of all...I have to say...I need to tell you...I must speak the words...Coming out of my mouth...You're so amazing and I...I have to say...I...I have strong feelings that amount to...another feeling that is...this feeling of...dramatic pausing while I....wait to say it...it's...love."

Take my advice, and you'll be getting some groupie love in no time.

And if you have a thing for older ladies...

Well, what can I tell you?

Clearly, mature women with life experience are not going to fall for some goofy guy on guitar with a bunch of pick-up lyrics.

For those women, you're going to need a piano.