Uncle Matt Chaperones Prom

First of all, you need to stop crying

We did not spend three hours on your make-up this morning
So you could wash it all off
Like Whitney on a bender

Never mind what that means
Some of us actually remember the 80's

Second of all, my niece will not--

WILL NOT

--be the crying girl at prom

Every prom has a crying girl
And that will not be you

You are a warrior
From a long line
Of Aztec bitches
And you will NOT cry at PROM

So shake it off
And let's assess the situation

Yes, the guy you showed up with
Is now making out with a girl
From another school

Yes, you showed up in the same dress
As Mary Ann McNicoll
And she won prom queen over you

Yes, the DJ is playing 'Boogie Wonderland'
Yes, this is really happening
Yes, this is your life

Now, let's think about how to be proactive

The girl your boyfriend is making out with
Does not go here

She was brought here by some other guy
Who is now out in the parking lot
With no shirt on
Asking to speak with 'Big John'

That means he's on something
And chances are, so is she

Probably shrooms
She's from Toronto
Shrooms are making a comeback there

Don't ask me how I know
Uncles know things

So as a CHAPERONE
It was my duty to evict her from prom
And because I smelled alcohol on your date's breath
I had to evict him as well

Granted, the alcohol I smelled on his breath
Was the alcohol he sucked
Out of Canadian Shroom Girl's mouth
But it was above the legal limit
Nonetheless

Never take underage drinking lightly
That's my motto

Overage drinking
You can take as much of as you want
That's my other motto

I also did a recount of the votes for prom queen
And Mary Ann thought she was slick
By having her tool boyfriend
Write her name in twenty times
Using different pens

Luckily your Uncle Matt was very, very close to his Forensics professor in college
So I could tell it was all the same handwriting

That means you win Prom Queen
Congratulations, I'm so proud

I also slipped when I was walking by Mary Ann
To inform her of her dethroning
And I happened to be holding scissors in my hand
And the entire side of her dress
Is now missing

She didn't seem to upset about that
She thinks the dress is--quote--

'Way more slutastic now'

Which apparently is a good thing

So see? Everyone's a winner

Finally, I gave the D.J. the rest of the night off
And put on my Hotness CD
It's what I put on when I'm...uh...

Baking cookies with some nice gentleman

ANYWAY

The prom is now hopping
And you're its queen

Wait!

Where are you going?

Not back in there?

Honey, this is the perfect time
To make your grand exit

I'm taking you to a jazz club downtown

We're going to get cheesecake from Matteo's
We're going to hit on cute jazz singers
We're going to greet the morning light
At an all-night bowling palace
Two hours away

Yes, I know
Your mother's going to kill me

But come on
You only get to go to prom once