Until I Had My Baby Girl

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know that choosing a car seat
Is the equivalent
Of choosing the red wire or the blue wire
On an explosive device

Choose wrong
And the world comes to an end

I brought home a car seat
That I thought would do the trick
And my wife, the new mother
Looked at me
As if I had brought home
A Belgian prostitute

'Sweetheart--'

When she says 'sweetheart'
It means 'you big fat idiot'

'Sweetheart,' she said, 'What IS that?'
'It's a car seat.'
'No, it's a medieval torture device.'
'It has clowns on it.'
'Fine. It's a medieval torture device with freaky ass clowns on it. Even better.'
'It's a car seat, Rachel.'
'Do you not read? Are you not aware that that particular brand of car seat was recalled and that there was an article written about it in Michigan Parents magazine two months ago? Have you been living under a rock?'
'God, you miss one issue of Michigan Parents...'
'Take it back. I'd shove Cecily in the trunk before I'd put her in that...THING.'

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know that a baby could die
Just by looking at an iguana

'You have to get rid of the iguana.'
'Fred? I have to get rid of Fred?'
'I was reading Pets and Babies magazine, and they said that if a baby looks at an iguana, it could go into shock and die.'
'Um...just from looking at it?'
'Apparently seeing such an odd creature can be very disturbing to an infant.'
'What if it looks at your sister?'

She didn't find that funny

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know that a one-year-old's birthday party
Required six months of planning

'This is devastating.'
'Did something happen?'
'I couldn't book the ballroom at the Hyatt. Apparently, there's some stupid cancer benefit going on in there that night.'
'Do we really need to have it in a ballroom? She's only turning one.'
'Sweetheart, what other place do you know that can accommodate the orchestra?'
'The--wait, what?'

Until I had my baby girl
I wasn't aware that my lifestyle
Was so wild and destructive

'Are you watching wrestling?'
'Um...yes.'
'Wrestling?'
'Yes.'
'Wrestling?'
'...Yes...'
'Oh. My. God.'
'Is there a...problem?'
'I guess not, if you want our daughter growing up believing that men are nothing but violent savages who beat each other with chairs and women are simply whores parading around in bikinis and slapping each other.'
'...Sometimes the girls use chairs too.'

Wrong answer

Until I had my baby girl
I didn't know a lot of things

I didn't know about baby food
Or baby headbands
Or high chairs
Or about mobiles
And how Alternative Parenting magazine
Says they cause hysterical blindness

I didn't know anything really

But then I look at Cecily
My baby girl
And my insane
Yet still gorgeous wife
And I know they'll stick with me
Until I figure out
How to get it all right