Carol Channing is Better Than You

-- Okay, Kevin, here it is. --

"Carol Channing Is Better Than You"

September, 1948

Miss Davidson, thank you so much
For coming to the audition today

Your agent was right
You are QUITE talented

And you were just what we were looking for
When we envisioned a female performer
For 'Lend an Ear'

Notice that I used the word 'were'

We WERE looking for someone like you

And then...

Well, I'm sure you met Miss Channing
She was sitting out here with you
And she went in first

Hmm?

No, of course we weren't beating up a cat
What are you--?

Ohhh

No, that was her singing

Yes, I see how you could be confused

Anyway, we just LOVED her

She completely altered our perception
Of what we want for the show
We're going in a totally new direction now

Hmm?

Yes, THAT Miss Channing
The one who was sitting in here with you

Ohhh, you know her?

My, you're very lucky
What a TALENT!

Hmm?

Yes, THAT Miss Channing
Carol Channing
The girl you know
Who was just sitting here with you

Yes, of course we LISTENED to her
What else did you think we were doing in there?
Watching a donkey give birth?

Miss Davidson, I was KIDDING about the donkey

Look, I understand that you're jealous, but--

Why are you laughing?

No, of COURSE this isn't a joke

Why would we--

Miss Davidson, please stop laughing
Pull yourself together

I know these are tough times to find a job in
But you'll find another place to work

It's just unfortunate that you auditioned
Against such a talented--

Hmm?

No, I haven't had my hearing checked recently
Why do you ask?

Miss Davidson, envy is a very unappealing characteristic
In a performer

I suggest you try to behave more professionally
At your next audition

You might want to take some tips
From Miss Channing

No, I do NOT believe
She rubs sandpaper over her larynx
Before every audition
But I suppose that's something
You'd have to ask her

Good day, Miss Davidson

I'm sorry we couldn't use you
But what can I say?

Some people got it
And some people don't