The Fat Girl from High School

Well, Lily Jean, look at you
Just loooooook at you!

You don't remember me?

Oh honey, I don't blame you
Last time you saw me
I could barely fit through the door!

Katie Davis, remember?

The fat girl?

That's me, honey

Hmm?

Oh yes, I suppose I have lost a little

Hahaha...

Oh, it was hard all right
Although I suppose it would be a lot harder
To lose that kid you got knocked up with
Junior year

Oops, did I say that out loud?

I wasn't supposed to know about that, was I?

But I have to say honey
You sure didn't do a good job of hiding it

Why, I put two hundred dollars towards a private detective
And three days later I had all KINDS of news about you

And not just you
But--

Marla Victoria!

Is that you?

My word, you look just lovely
I'd never know you were a recovering pill popper
On her third husband
Living back with her Momma!

You keep keeping up appearances, baby girl!

Careful though
You look like you're putting on some pounds there
Around the gut area

Maybe we should start calling you--

Now wait, what did you call me in high school...

Chubby Love?

Well, honey, I hope SOMEBODY'S loving your chubby
Because with that husband of yours
Hanging out over at Lily Jean's every night
I can't see how you'd be getting ANYTHING from him

Daryl Darnsworth!

Is that you?

I can barely recognize you
With that new nose of yours

Oh, don't worry, Daryl
Lots of men get nosejobs!

Lots of vain, stuck-up
Prissy little bitchy men
Get nosejobs!

Don't you feel bad about it at ALL, honey
Not like how I used to feel bad
When you tossed food at me at lunchtime

I guess that was just your way of dealing with
Your Daddy shacking up with Mr. Turlington, the English teacher

We all cope in our own cruel ways, don't we?

Well, y'all, it was just a DE-light being here tonight

I don't know why some people dread their high school reunions

I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing you
Morbidly depressed, balding, pale
Botoxed, broke, sneaky,
Smelly, divorced, deadbeats
One more time

Now if you'll excuse me
I have to go pick up my boyfriend
From his swimsuit photo shoot...

...In the Bahamas

Y'all have a good night
Enjoy your punch
And in case you weren't picking up
On my passive aggressiveness this whole time

Y'all can go screw yourselves
With a rusty drill

Night!