The Kevin Broccoli Blog: May 2010

Monday, May 31, 2010

Eight Steps Back

I'm rushing
I'm hurrying
To get there before you

I'm in a mad dash
A passionate marathon
To get to the place
Where I should have
Five years ago
Before you show up there
Before me

I'm scared that you'll get there
And look around
Before I've had a chance
To clean up
And throw out
All the bullshit I accrued
While pursuing progress

I'm scared you'll finish the test
Then rest and wait
Leaving me debating
Whether I even want to keep meeting you
Since you've finished my movie

I'm not sure I'd want
Your assessment of me
Before I could tidy it up
And scrub up the floors

I'm on my way, I know that
But that doesn't mean
You won't get there ahead of me

And so I'd rather keep you
Eight steps back
So I can keep track
Of how much of me you're getting
And that way I'm not fretting
That you'll figure me out
What I'm about to do
Before I do

I'm scared that's ultimately
You getting ahead of me
Is how I'd lose you

That Might Not Be Sex

-- This owes a lot to George Saunders. --

"That Might Not Be Sex"

...Krorg...um...

That might not be sex

What happened, I mean
Between you and NiNi

That might not be sex

Well, wait, so...

You hit her on the head with the club
After the two of you had eaten flying dinosaur
And then you dragged her back into your cave
Where you proceeded to ravage her

...Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say that's not sex

Well, I know, that's what we DO
But I just don't think you can call it SEX

Well what did NiNi say about it later?

She said it was...lousy?

Well, no, I wouldn't say it was...lousy sex
I mean, you'd sort of have to experience it
To call it...lousy

I would just say that it didn't actually happened
I mean, I know it HAPPENED
It occurred
But I just wouldn't say that it was actually...sex

Which is good in one way, because then it couldn't be lousy
Lousy sex is still sex
However, if it's not sex at all
Then we may need to examine--

BIG SCARY TINY ARMS BIG TEETH REPTILE!

EVERYBODY HIDE!

We have GOT to give that thing
A smaller name

Anyway

I just think we may need to examine
Whether or not what we define as sex
Is actually...sex...or...

Us knocking women unconscious
And then taking advantage of them
While they're practically lifeless

Well, I KNOW they expect it of us, Krorg
But that doesn't necessarily make it right

Remember when we used to punish the kids
By throwing them in fire pits?
And then we started running out of kids?

Remember how we thought that was right, too?

Sometimes things that seem right at first aren't
Even when everybody agrees that they're right
Just because they're the easiest way to do things

. . . . .

Yeah, that sounds crazy

But I mean, wouldn't it be easier
If we made the women folk
WANT to have sex with us?

Wouldn't it be nice
To have them WILLINGLY go with us
Back to our caves?

Wouldn't it be cool to have sex with a woman
That was awake and able to enjoy the experience?

I just think it's a little weird
That we can tell how many men a woman's slept with
By how many bumps there are on her head

I mean, sure, it's HELPFUL
But it just doesn't seem right

And maybe a lot more of us would stop dying during sex
If there was another person in the cave
Able to point out
That a lion with long teeth had come in
And was about to pounce on us

I mean, I'm just putting that out there, but--

LONG NECK WITH BIG FEET!
LONG NECK WITH BIG FEET!

HIDE THE LETTUCE!
HIDE THE LETTUCE!

. . . . .

I just think it would be great if we, as a people
Could start talking to each other more

I mean, we have an alphabet now
And Blork invented that round thing that moves
And we've managed to figure out how to skin the long-tusked elephant
Before the meat rots from the inside!

We are becoming so much more progressive
Than our parents

I think we just need to think about how to keep that going
On a social level

And I think the way to do that
Is to start asking our women
If they actually WANT to have sex with us

I know it's radical

...But at least it'll be sex

Who knows?

It might actually be fun

Tony Hooper's Gold Star

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
I'm in 3rd Grade
At least, I will be
For another couple of days

In the nine months that I had been
In Mrs. Brugel's third grade class
I had failed to accrue even ONE gold star

Not one!

When I asked Mrs. Brugel why this was the case
She told me that gold stars are given to someone
When they're NOT trying to earn them

Confused?

So was I!

I thought she was trying to say
That gold stars are like forbidden fruit

Like when you want a strawberry
But you can't have one
Because they're out of season

But she said that gold stars are so special
Because you never know when you're going to get them

I try explaining to her
That things are never special
When you know you're going to get them

We didn't know we were going to get my little sister
And there's NOTHING special about her

So I started trying not trying to get gold stars
But it's really hard

Pretending you don't want something
When you really, really do want it
Is maybe the trickiest thing I've ever done

I told my Mom and she said--

"Now you know how every actor whose ever been nominated for anything feels."

I thought maybe I could get one
By being extra special nice to people

That's why I started giving my organic carrot snacks to Fat Pants
So that he could lose some weight
And also so that I wouldn't have to eat organic carrot snacks

Then I told Nicole that I would help her with her math homework
Even though I'm not all that good with fractions

I asked my Dad if he could help, but he said--

'First of all, if I wanted fractions done, I'd call the high-priced accountant on my payroll to do them for me while I sit around and think about how I never finished college but was smart enough to invest in IBM."

...That was his first of all

...There was no second of all

Finally I threw a charity benefit at my house
For kids who can't have good Christmases
Because they're poor

My friend Marty Rosenbaum didn't come
Because he doesn't celebrate Christmas

I said--'Well Marty, maybe you could if you had some charity money!'
He said--'No, Tony, I don't celebrate it because I'm Jewish.'

Marty explained to me that being Jewish means you're God's chosen people

I told him that if God chose me not to have Christmas
I don't know if I'd be too happy with him

We didn't end up raising that much money

Nobody told me that charity parties
Are more about the party and not very much about the charity

By the time I was done paying K.C. and the Sunshine Band
I barely had any money left

It looks like the Rosenbaums are going to have to celebrate Hanukkah again this year

On the last day of school, I was cleaning out my desk after school
When Mrs. Brugel sat down next to me
And gave me a box

'Open it' she said

So I did, and inside
Was a giant gold star

'But Mrs. Brugel,' I said, 'What did I do?'

And she said--'Tony Hooper, you've been my gold star all year long.'

And you know what?
Mrs. Brugel was right

I liked that star a lot better
Because I wasn't expecting it

Not at all

Keep an Eye on Him

I'd keep an eye on him
Before you pack up the moving van
And sail away to a better place
Where you assume
You can rest safe
That your boyfriend's head
Is gonna stay on you
And not wind up in my bed

You'd better make sure
That he's in love with you
And not in love with having you
Because when he doesn't have you
An idea of you might not be enough

If I were you
I'd do some thinking
And wonder whether
He's strong enough
To resist all the flirting
And flaunting and taunting
And temptation
That I'm expecting
To be projecting on him

Because a man is a man
And a boy is a boy
And baby, you'll be a country away
And distance never did relationship
Any favors

So if I were you
I'd cancel that plane ticket
I'd unpack the boxes
I'd take stock of who I'm dating
And stop taking photos
To remember him by

I'd either let go of the guy
Or I'd keep my eye on him

Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Stage Daughter

"You should just see Mom out on that stage
She is just spectacular
Nobody could get over how good she was
And I kept saying--

That's my mom!
That's my mom!"

. . . . .

My daughter has convinced me
That being onstage
Is my true calling

I'd prefer to just remain a secretary
At the law firm where I work
But she keeps saying--

"Mother, you are in the prime of your life! Do you know how many other mothers would KILL to be able to do some of the things you're doing? And you want to throw it all away so you can work at a LAW FIRM? I don't think so, Missy."

Secretly I think she's living vicariously through me
She's not able to be onstage or in the public spotlight
Because of an unfortunate incident she experienced as a child

"There I was, playing Baby June in my first--and LAST--theater production, when the real cow they insisted on getting for the show, stampeded--thrusting me off the stage and into the third row. I've never been able to get back onstage since then."

She's...well, she's lying.

She was playing Baby June
When she got nervous
And threw up on the Farm Boys

She made up the stampeding cow story

I've tried to tell her
Not to exaggerate but she says--

"Mother, people EXPECT a little flair! It's what life is all about! Flair, fortune, and Fosse!"

She keeps making me call out of work

"You can work whenever you want! But you can only play Evita once!"

She keeps entering me in pageants

"What do you MEAN you don't want to be Miss San Diego? Who CARES if we don't LIVE in San Diego? Why do you always let technicalities stop you from achieving my dreams? ...I mean 'your' dreams. Your dreams, of course."

She keeps making me practice my Oscar speech

"Mother, you can't wait until you're NOMINATED for an Oscar to write your speech! It takes YEARS to write a good Oscar speech. Do you want to be one of those women who stands up there yammering about her director while her daughter sits in the front row waiting for a 'thank you' that never comes? I don't think so, Missy."

I'm constantly exhausted
Because of all the rehearsals

"You know, you could stand to lose a few pounds. What are you one ten? In Bolivia, models who weigh over ninety pounds are executed in public. Keep that in mind, Mother."

And the auditions

"Are you sure you don't want to dye your hair black? I was just reading in Variety that Sela Ward booked another television show, and she has black hair. Just sayin'."

And the commercials

"Well you tell Grandma that when she starts giving out Emmy's, THEN we'll visit her at the nursing home, but until then, we need to keep our eye on the prize!"

I never see anyone anymore
My friends keep calling
Asking if I can go out with them sometime
But my daughter says--

"They're just JEALOUS! Because their daughters aren't as encouraging and supportive as yours is. By the way, you were flat all throughout your voice lesson today and we're not even going to discuss what I think about that tarp you're trying to pass off as a dress. Now, let's practice your tap dance again. A five, six, seven, eight--"

I know she means well

"Is THAT how you walk down a runway? I don't think so, Missy. I trained you better than that! Maybe we should start thinking about canceling that second honeymoon you and Daddy have been looking forward to until you start getting serious about your career!"

...But I'm thinking of giving her up for adoption

"You're lucky I love you so much, Mother. Otherwise I'd never have the strength to keep you up until 4am everyday going over your comedic monologue. Now, let's try this again."

The things a mother does for her daughter...

The Swans

They meet every year at the lake at Pueblo Norova
Towards the end of May, when summer is flirting with the idea
Of arriving a few weeks earlier than usual
Wishing to be already settled in by the time June arrives
When the fish begin swimming closer to the middle
And the kids rig the tire swing so that it flies right over the water
That's about the time they meet
She coming in first and landing near the shore
He arriving a few moments later
Skimming across the pond like a wishing stone
Showing off to impress her even though she's seen him do it a thousand times

They spend that first day in the water
Cooling themselves down after all the weeks of traveling
Floating side by side while a boat goes by them
And another boat, and a few fish
He pushes his head into the soft part of her neck
And she pushes back
And they're startled by how good it feels
To put weight on one another and know it can be supported
Know that they can rely on one another
Even after all this time apart
After a few moments, they pull away, but they stay together

. . . . .

Camille would ask him to take her out on the lake
But he would refuse, knowing she wasn't a good swimmer
And that she was clumsy, not at all graceful
Like his sister, Annalise, the ballet dancer
And Camille would get angry at him and say--

'Alain, I wish you'd stop treating me like a child!'

But the truth was he could see that she was growing up
No longer the little girl two years his junior, always miles behind him
But now a young woman who would stand next to the tree by the lake and watch him swimming
And he worried that there was something missing in her eyes
The light of a long life, a sense of longevity

That summer Annalise got married at a ceremony by the lake
And the following summer her son was already being dipped in the water
Giggling as his uncle let the water engulf everything but his face

'Alain,' said Camille, brushing Annalise's hair, 'Be careful'

But Annalise put her hand on Camille's arm to stop her

'Alain was born into water, Camille,' she said, 'He knows it better than he knows himself'

Alain smiled at his sister, and then at Camille, who looked away before he could see her respond in kind

He had started giving her swimming lessons
Although she was a slow learner
Two times already she'd nearly choked when she forgot to breathe
And came up violently out of the lake pulling at Alain as if something were grabbing at her and pulling her down into the water

. . . . .

The last night of summer when the lake was filled with people dancing until autumn came upon the horizon like a sunrise, Alain asked Camille to marry him

Annalise told him to do it on a boat
In the middle of the lake
Like a real romantic
But he refused
Still nervous about Camille and the water
Worried that Pueblo Norova didn't want the two of them together
That it wanted Alain all to itself

Instead he proposed on the shore
With candles lined up all along the water
Not for the ambiance
But to have fire, one element
Keeping another element at bay

When Camille accepted his proposal
Alain picked her up and swung her with such force
That a wind flew over the water
Causing a wave to rush back
And extinguish all the candles

Alain didn't notice because Camille had pulled him down into the grass
Where he began to kiss the tops of her shoulders
And then her neck and her arms
And she swore she could hear a storm somewhere
As he moved his hand underneath her
To undo the back of her dress

. . . . .

When she woke up, Alain was lying on a pile of their clothes
And the party was winding down in the distance
The sounds of a few lingering laughers
The only noise besides the morning waking up

Camille decided to go for a swim
Before dressing again
Even though Alain had forbid she ever swim without him
In the lake

She was in up to her ankles
When she felt the first tug
But she told herself it was only nerves
And she kept going

She was going to marry the man she had loved
Since she was a little girl
There was nothing to be afraid of anymore

When she was up to her shoulders
To the very spot where Alain's kisses were still imprinted
She dove underneath the water
And into the arms of the lake

. . . . .

When Alain awoke, the first thing he saw was the ring he gave Camille
She had taken it off before going for a swim
So as not to lose it in the lake

He sat up, wondering where she had gone
And why she had taken off the ring

And then he saw the dark spot on the lake
Right in the middle
Where the sun should be shining the brightest
It was pitch black

And he knew

He jumped into the water
And swam right for the center
Feeling something like a tide
Pushing him back away from it

He screamed out for Camille
And as he screamed
Water poured into his throat
And went down like a weight
Pulling him under
And pushing him back to shore at the same time

Somewhere Annalise awoke
To hear her son crying
And when she went to his room
She found him soaking wet
And smelling like he'd just been in the pond

That was when she looked out the window onto the lake
And saw her brother reach the dark spot

. . . . .

When Alain got to the middle of the lake
He felt himself let go
And it was a cool feeling
A sensitive touch
After the relentless force
That had been holding onto him

And he begged

He begged to see Camille again

A moment later the morning swept in and seeing the man lost in the lake
It went to pull him out and bring him back to the shore
Only to realize that he didn't want to go back
That he wanted to stay in the lake
Because it was the closest he would ever be to Camille

The morning chastised the lake for its selfishness
Falling in love with a man and taking away his wife-to-be
But it could not undo what had been done

What it could do was create another morning
A morning where two lovers could become two swans
Who meet every summer to swim on the lake
That had tried to keep them apart while they were alive
For even water cannot harm a swam

On the shore, Annalise held her son
As she cried out for her brother
Wanting to go in after him
But unable to put down her little boy
Who was clinging to her

She called out Alain's name again
Pleading with him to answer her
As the men from town slowly descended upon the lake
Knowing someone had reached the dark spot
And would not be coming back

. . . . .

Standing next to the tree by the lake
Aimee watches Alain swing out over the water on the tire swing
And jump off--falling with such force that water flies up and out
And lands on Aimee, soaking her completely

She screams but Alain just laughs
Wondering how the water could go so far

'Alain!'

His mother calls from the house

'I told you to stay away from that lake!'

Annalise tries to keep her son away from the water
But he won't listen

It calls to him, the lake
It seduces him with its blue jewelry

Alain has promised Aimee he'll teach her to swim
But she's scared

The water doesn't beckon to her the way it does Alain
With Aimee, it warns her
It tells her to stay away

But she's asked to learn anyway
Because it's the only way to get close
To the boy she admires

Annalise knows all this
And worries, worries
Still remembering that night
When her brother and Camille
Were pulled from the lake

Looking like they'd been out of their bodies
For centuries

But then she looks out the window
And sees the two swans
Gliding across the lake
Reminding Annalise of when she used to dance
When she was a graceful young woman
And convinced that the world was made up
Of straight, parallel lines

She looks at the swans
As they go right by her son

He doesn't notice them
He's too busy trying to make Aimee laugh

But the swans seem to be watching him
They seem to be making sure
That he doesn't go too far in

And Annalise thinks to herself--

'What beautiful creatures'

And wonders if maybe she should
Let Alain go in the lake after all

If maybe now
It'll be all right

The Time in Your Hands

The time in your hands is Chattanooga time
It's Miami time, it's New Orleans time
It's time well-spent in the midst of a spending freeze
And it tastes like beef cubes in soup
And it parades like the Irish on St. Patrick's day
And it waves a flag proudly, does it not?
Doesn't that sound like
The time in your hands?
Doesn't that sound like
The right kind of time?

I'll teach you a little trick
If you move time the right way
And let the light hit the past
In just the right way
It'll look more favorable to you
Than if you clasp it tightly against your palms
Whereas the future looks better
Withheld from the light
And mingled with palm sweat

Judging by the looks of it
I'd say the time in your hands
Is from nineteen ten
Or maybe sometime in the sixties
But definitely not anything past that
Or it would be obsidian time
Which is easily identifiable
But often impossible to see

Luckily you're dealing with a skilled time teller
I tell time what time it is when time can't tell itself
And often I'm only wrong when I want to be
Which is fairly often
But the quantity of times I'm asked to identify time
Is so massive that I'm right more times
Than it seems like I'm wrong

Do you have any tea?
I would love a cup of tea
To go with the time
In your hands
Just be sure not to give me any
Unless I don't ask for it

The time in your hands seems to be getting away from you
Would you like me to kill it?
I brought crossword puzzles
And some cross-stitching
Because crossing is the easiest way to murder time

I don't particularly like the expression 'time after time'
Because as you can see from holding it in your hand
Time doesn't usually proceed anywhere
It just sucks on your thumb and plays with your wedding ring

As far as pets go, it's better than space
But only because it's easier to store
And it doesn't ache the mind as much

And if you need to know when to feed it
Just keep an ear out

You'll find it's all a matter of a timing

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Katherine in Paris

Dear Dylan,

I'm not coming home for your graduation
I'm so sorry

Love,
Mom

. . . . .

Dear Dylan,

I realize my last letter was vague
My apologies

I can't come home for your graduation
Because I'm pregnant in Paris

You're going to have a little sister

Love,
Mom

. . . . .

Dear Dylan,

This is a poem I wrote
When I found out I was pregnant--

'Another knock on the door
Another phone call to take
Another broken object
Mysteriously repaired

But does that change
The garbage
Does it take it out?

Does it make it go away?'

It's an awful poem

I was never much of a poet

That was always your forte

I hope you have a wonderful graduation

Love,
Mom

. . . . .

Dear Dylan,

I forgot to tell you
The answer
To the question
You're obviously asking yourself

'Who is the father?'

Well, it's a bit complicated

And in some ways it's not

It's your father

Your father is the father

Now, I know this sounds strange

Since I never actually told you
Who your father was
But now I can tell you a little bit more

He's Parisian
He's a poet, like you
A better poet than me
Apparently most people are

He was so thrilled to find out
You're graduating from Brown

It was quite a triumph for him
I could tell

Or, I could gather

You see, he still doesn't speak
What I would say is flawless English

In fact, he only knows a few words

The same few words he knew the last time I came to Paris

And like 'Open Sesame'
They still work like a charm

Oh...I suppose 'Open Sesame' is a bit crude
Considering...

Anyway

I decided to find him
As part of a project I'm working on

A novel about a woman
Who goes searching for son's birth father
In the most romantic city in the world

It's fiction...

...I changed names, so...

...Fiction...

I found your father a few chapters earlier
Than I would have liked

With the Internet being what it is
I was standing on the stoop of his apartment building
In just under six hours

Well, as you can imagine
That's certainly not enough
To write an entire book about
So I had to go inside
And chat with him

And before I knew it...

That was a month ago

Sorry I haven't written much

It's been quite a hectic few months...

What with losing my passport
And gong to all the cafes
And getting pregnant...

Oh Dylan
I see now
That it was a grave error in judgment
Not telling you about your father

I admit that part of the reason
I always kept silent
Was because I didn't know much about him
And what I did know
Isn't something a mother shares with her son

But now that you're older
And I've finally learned his last name
I think it's only fair
That I tell you
He's brilliant

He's simply brilliant

And we're going to be married

That's right, my darling
Your graduation present
Is the legitimization of your heritage

You're a bastard no more!

Love,
Mom

. . . . .

Dear Dylan,

It's one o'clock in the morning here
And in eleven more hours or so, your time
You'll be a college graduate

I'm up with cravings
And nausea
And inspiration

I've been cranking out chapters
Faster than ink can dry

Your father is sleeping in the next room
Underneath an afghan
I bought him at a flea market
The other day

I'd say he looks like you
But to be honest
You look like your grandfather
And your father looks like Jackson Pollock

Visceral
Raw
Original

You're better off not looking like that, Dylan
It's hard going through life
Looking like that

Are you nervous about graduating?

Are you concerned that now
You'll have to stop turning into something
And just be turned?

Turned into what?

Don't mind me, sweetheart
The hormones are taking over my mind

It's fantastic for fiction
But lousy for correspondence

I wish I could be there to see you
With your cap and gown

But your father worries about me flying
Even in such an early stage of pregnancy
What with my age and all

I'm so proud of you, Dylan

Maybe part of the reason I'm not going to be there with you
Is because graduations are a time
For parents to take credit
For the achievement of creating an amazing individual
And I didn't do that

I gave birth to you
And then I never gave you much else

Oh you thought I didn't know

You thought your mother was some crazy person
Who jettisoned herself off to Paris
Because she had a mid-life crisis
And decided for once in her life
She wanted to be relevant

Well, you're wrong

What I really wanted
Was to go back in time

I wanted to come back to Paris
And see if I could get it all right this time

Marry your father
Have you
Raise you in France
Thereby psychologically destroying your grandmother

I wanted to do it the way I should have
So that twenty-two years later
I wouldn't be sitting in some little apartment
Boiling over because your father doesn't have an air-conditioner
Writing you an e-mail
Trying to say how sorry I am

And not just about the graduation

All I can do is do it better the next time around
And I know that doesn't help you much, but...

It's really my only option

So...

I hope when she's born
You'll come out here
To see your little sister

Based on how often she kicks me
I'd say she has your temperament

...Or your grandmother's

I suppose I should close this message
With some good advice

Well, all I have to offer is this--

Find someone who makes you feel young
And in case you don't know it yet
Because you're still in the midst of youth
I'll tell you that feeling young is the feeling I get
Every time your sister lets me have it with one of her kicks

Since it's impossible for you to feel that
Then I'll tell you what your father said to me
Which I then had translated by the nice man
At the newspaper stand

He said that your father said feeling young is--

Waking up to bacon
That somebody else is making

I told you he was a poet

Find someone like that, Dylan
And then spend the rest of your life
Tucked inside them
Like money in an envelope

Even if it means you leave everything else behind

Don't ever let anybody judge you
For doing what you had to do
To stay alive

Ohhh, your sister is having quite a party right about now...

I suppose she's angry
I couldn't find any root beer
To pour over those pickles

That means time for a walk around the apartment
All eight square feet of it

I love you

I'm sorry I couldn't get that time machine to work

Love,
Mom

. . . . .

Dear Dylan,

Your grandmother called me

She said you weren't at your graduation

She said you left her a voicemail
Saying you needed to see the world
More than you needed to see your diploma

She was quite angry

Especially after I said--

'What do you know? I guess he is my son, after all.'

Love,
Mom

What I'm Going to Do About My Daughter

I was at my mother's house
On a lovely summer day
Watching my daughter
Climb up a tree

My mother noticed my daughter
An athletic and careful girl
Going up the tree in her backyard
And she promptly went insane

'WHAT--' she said to me '--are you going to do about your daughter?'

I thought about that for a second

What am I going to do about my daughter?

And I said--

'Mom...'

I'm going to watch her
Do everything you told me
Only boys could do
And do it better

I'm going to let her
Change her own oil
And wear high heels
And cut off all her hair when she's twenty
And drink Sprite out of a wineglass
Just so she can feel fancy

I'm going to allow her
To ride on the back of a motorcycle
And eat scrambled eggs for dinner
And put on black eye-liner
And stay up later than midnight
And that's because I believe
That doing those things
Might, just might, prevent her
From becoming the clone of the girls in high school
That I didn't like

I'm going to see her go to law school
Or med school
Or the Peace Corp
Or become an actress
Or whatever

The point is I'm going to see her
I'm going to see her do it
Because she's not going to be afraid
To show me

I'm going to teach her
That the only reason girls
Don't call themselves feminists anymore
Is because a few stupid men
Undid what my generation did
Just by suggesting that the word 'feminist' was a turn-off

I'm going to tell her
That her Mom didn't march in parades
And burn her bra
So that her daughter
Could marry rich
And let her brain erode
By marinating it in mimosas and martinis

I said--

Mom, I'm going to let her climb up that tree
And I'm going to let her climb higher
And faster than I feel comfortable with
Because I want her to be twice the woman I am
In half the time

I'm going to be her friend and her mother
And if you say I can't be both
That's only you bringing attention to the fact
That you couldn't be either

I'm going to let her climb that tree
And if she falls
I'll be there to catch her, Mom

That's what I'm going to do
About my daughter

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

When Miss July Met Miss Ladd

Welcome, welcome, welcome

To Miss July's Monday Night
Here at The Holy Roller

They used to have me work the weekends here
But I've been replaced with pub trivia
Apparently getting trashed while you try and remember
Who played the son on The Jeffersons
Is the new thing to do

By the way, do you like my dress?

I call it my Dusty Springfield look

A preacher gave it to me
In exchange for his son

Now, before I go any further
I want to acknowledge that we have some people here tonight
Almost as famous as I am

For those of you who have been living under a bridge
And from the look of it
Some of you HAVE

They've been filming a movie here in Providence
And a few of the famous people
Wandered in here tonight

We have Christina Marks
Who recently dabbled in lesbianism
Congratulations, honey
You'll never buy your own drinks again

We have Nikao Brody

Or rather, I have Nikao Brody
The rest of you bitches
Better keep your hands to yourselves

We have Hamilton Hays
The newest out gay celebrity in Hollywood
Let me know when I can watch you on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune, sweetheart

Then there's Dede
One name
One brain cell
One real breast

I guess she's waiting for them to give her a spin-off
Before she'll get the other one done

Finally we have Sertin Liberty

I loved your last movie
I always love it when a theater's empty
It makes the back row so much more fun

So those are our celebrities

I've been told to ask you all
Not to request autographs from them
Not because they're snobs
But because they might screw up
And write their real names

I'm guessing Dede's last name
Is somewhere between Krotzoco
And Rubinstein

So normally on these Monday nights
I regale you all with medleys
Of either Rodgers and Hart
Or Seals and Croft

But unfortunately
I forgot to bring the sheet music
To 'Summer Breeze'

So I guess I'm going to have to improvise...

You know, having all these celebrities here
Reminds me of the time
When I lived in Los Angeles

When I was just a Junior Miss July

Back then I was still trying to make a career as an actress
While waiting tables and hosting an open mic night
At Happy's Hot Tamale six blocks from Rodeo Drive

Happy wasn't so happy
But the hookers sure were

Where was I?

Oh yeah

There I was at an audition
To be the next Charlie's Angel
Replacing the late, great Farrah Fawcett
Who, incidentally
Stole Ryan O'Neal from me
May she rest in peace, that miserable bitch

I was reading the sides for 'Angels in Paradise'
When Charlie got kidnapped in Hawaii
And the angels have to save him

Don Ho was in that episode
A lovely man that I shared an apartment with
In the early eighties--

But I trail off--

There I am sitting next to--

Wait for it...

--Cheryl Ladd

She's sitting there shaking and nervous
And biting the tips of her hair
Which I think, was the only thing she ate back then

I introduced myself

I said, 'Hello, I'm Andrew Richmond'

I was trying to get her to loosen up
But instead she got nervous
And moved to the other side of the room

After a few minutes
I noticed she was looking my way again

'Where'd you get your shoes,' she asked me

'I get 'em from my boyfriend,' I said

'Oh,' she said, 'Maybe I know him. What's his name?'

And I said--without missing a beat--

'Andy Gibb'

That rattled her so bad
She went in and blew her audition

Came out crying
Mascara running down her face
Sobbing like she just found out
That she lost her job
At the Howard Johnson's

So I go in
And I nail it

I mean, I NAIL it

I know I have the role
And as I'm walking out
I hear them say--

'That other girl was a mess, but she was just what we're looking for. Too bad for her THIS girl has the looks and the attitude.'

And I think, Wow
That girl could have had it

BUT NOW I GOT IT!

I'M A DRAG QUEEN
I'M GOING TO BE A CHARLIE'S ANGEL!
AND KATE JACKSON IS STILL GOING TO BE THE 'SMART' ONE!

And then I walk outside
And I see Cheryl
Sitting on the curb
Clutching her headshot
Rocking back and forth
And mumbling like Linda Blair in The Exorcist

I felt like I should do something
Before she starts stabbing her hoo hah with a crucifix

I said, 'Hey Cheryl, you almost--'

But before I could say anything
She stood up
And said to me--

'I wanted that more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.'

And you know what I thought?

Well, the first thing I thought was--

BITCH, EVERY GIRL IN THIS COUNTRY WANTS TO BE ON CHARLIE'S ANGELS!

But then I saw the tears
The angry tears
Still clinging to her eyes

I've had those tears before

I had those tears the day I walked out of my house in Albany
At the age of sixteen
Because my mother found me
Trying on her pumps

I had those tears the first time I got mugged in L.A.
I had those tears the second time I got mugged in L.A.
And I had those tears the third time somebody tried to mug me
As I was beating them unconscious with my clutch

I know those tears
And I couldn't be the reason
Cheryl Ladd had those tears
In her beady little eyes

So I went back into that audition room
And right in front of those casting people
I took it off...

My Farrah Fawcett wig

I took it off

Needless to say, Cheryl got the job

And did I ever get a Thank you card?
Did I ever get an invitation
To Aaron Spelling's 4th of July party?
Did I get a guest spot on The Love Boat?

Where was I going with this?

Oh right--fame

Cheryl needed that fame

See, I don't

I don't need anything
But a Monday night
A gin and tonic
And the sweet sounds
Of applause

'Cause let me tell you something, kids

When you're up onstage
Making people laugh
Making them forget about their day
Making them forget that they have work tomorrow
And the fact that they're out drinking
Probably means their sponsor is on vacation

When you're doing that
It doesn't matter if you're doing it in an arena
Or a dive in the middle of Providence

When I hear that applause
That's all the fame I need

That...and the number of that man in the third row

Hey honey--

Ever kissed a star before?

I'll Let You Say You Love Me

I'm not breathing right
I'm not holding my breath
I'm not dying to know
I'm not living
Or trying to
Be better than I am right now

You're not who I expected
You're not who I considered
You're not who was supposed to show up
But since you're here
Have a seat

I'll let you wrap around me
I'll let you whisper softly
I'll let you tell me secrets
I'll let you be my eighties ballroom

You can interrupt my party
You can play me gently
You can dance them all away
While I stay, stay, stay

And I'll be so good
I'll be nice and surprised
Realize that I am flawed
And I am thawing
And I am clawing my way
Back to normalcy

You're not the man I wanted
But you're more than I expected
I'll let you be
I'll let you be

The man he couldn't be

I'll let you say you love me
I'll let you make it happen
I'll let you make commitments

I'll even commit to you

I'll be so sad
When I accept that he's not coming
But still I'll stay with you

And I'll never be alone
And I'll never be afraid
And I'll never be made
To wait, wait, wait

I'll let you say you love me

As long as you don't ask me
As long as you don't ask
As long as you don't
As long as you
As long as

As long as you don't expect me
To live up to expectations

Then I'll pleasantly surprise you
And who knows
I might just love you

Only one way
To find out

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Art at 3am

Ladies and gentlemen

Esteemed assorted objects in my bedroom

Pillows, pillowcases, and you, Madame Comforter

Thank you for being here tonight

I've been asked to give a speech
Regarding art

Specifically art in a fame-activated world

I'm not entirely sure
What that means...

I, personally, took it to mean
That we now live in a world
Where art, at least the sort of art I--

Oh God, I should start over

Hi, I'm Jessica Donnelly
I am the Artistic Director
Of the Peyton Theatre
Here, downtown

One of the oldest theaters in the country
Committed to producing new and--

God, now I sound like a commercial

Okay, let's--

Art in a Culture
Where fame is a second away

Theater in a Culture
Where fame is a second away

Theater is distant

What I mean is--

You go to the theater
And the actors are 'up there'
Up onstage
They're separate from you
They're distant

You're watching art being created
You're not necessarily a part of it
At least not part of the actual creation
You're a part of the experience
Whereas, with fame
You are a part of the creation
You are the creation
You create the fame
And hand it to someone

You say 'Here. This is fame'

There's a great quote someone once said--

'Fame is something other people give you. Success is something you give yourself.'

So how does that relate to art?

Well, it's the distance

The distance helps create a mystery
And the mystery
That lack of understanding
About how art is created
Helps us to, actually, enjoy it more, which is--

Kind of weird, I guess

But then again, maybe not

And art...

Okay

So...

People now have an understanding of fame
They get it
They get how it works
They even get HOW to get it

Youtube videos
Bad behavior
Sex tapes

It used to be this idea
Of moving to New York with a suitcase
Going to an open call
And singing your heart out
Until Jerome Robbins yells from the back of the theater--

'That's it! That's who I want!'

We've gone from that
To uploading a video of yourself
In your bedroom
Lip synching a pop song

Has the accessibility of fame
Damaged the capacity to make art?

It's a little bit like believe in fairies, I guess

When people stop believing
When they truly stop believing
That the man onstage
Really IS a Roman warrior
Or a traveling salesman
Or Hamlet

Is that the death of art?

Of the art I do?

Or is it a good thing
That people now understand
The nuts and bolts
Of the--

Martin?

MARTIN?

Honey, could you make me some tea?
I have to have this speech done by the end of the night
And be able to speak it without sounding
Like I'm testifying for the defense

Tea would be good
A bagel would be great
If we have any cocaine lying around...

I...

I...should not be doing this...at 3am

Hmm...

Right now
They are filming a movie
Downtown

A few blocks
From where I am

They're doing...night shoots

Right now
My city
Is littered
With movie stars

With fame

It's...interesting

Tonight, I heard a lecture
From Ellen King
The chess prodigy

I then took in a late-night drag show
Where my husband was kissed on the mouth
By a lovely gentleman
Named Miss July

We also met one of the guys on tourWith, uh, whatever's playing at PPAC now
Probably 'The Lion King' for the thirty-seventh time

On the news, they're interviewing some kid
Who works at a movie theater
Because he waited on Nikao Brody
Yet another movie star

Apparently one skipping out
On the night shoots

My cousin, Paul
Is currently acting in a small production of "Hair"
That I saw last weekend
In this little folding-chair-and-two-lights kinda theater
And it was one of the best shows
I have ever seen

This is where I live

This, I believe, is art

Art is what is made
In a community like this

And, I'll add
To be fair
That I feel like what hurts us here
Is not our lack of fame
But our dissatisfaction with art and art alone

I feel like what hurts us
Is our insatiable desire
To break out of art

To become famous

And it doesn't help
That every once in awhile
Movie stars get shipped in
To give us a taste
Of what we're not

And we go a little crazy

We're not famous
We're artists

We have created a beautiful community
Where people can do art

And...fame...

Has very little to do with that

We don't know how to interact with fame
We don't know how to be famous
We're not good at fame

But art...

God, damn, ugh
We're good at it

I'll just say it

We're good at art

And I want that to be enough here

I want people to look around
And see art
And say--

That's enough

That's all we need

That's my 3am speech

Thank you, pillowcases

Good night

Theater Seven

Brisket!

Brisket, it's me

You are NOT going to believe
Who's in Theater 3
Watching 'Kill You Twice'

NIKAO FRIGGIN' BRODY!

I'm not!

I'm not joking!

Brisket, I'm not!

I'm not!

No!

YES!

No!

NIKAO BRODY!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Right?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He came in and started talking to me
About shit and like life
And stuff

It was AMAZING

Huh?

No, he was in 'Temple of Blood'

No, that's not Nikao Brody
That's Brady Crawford

Nikao Brody was 'Temple of Blood'
Brady Crawford was in 'Blood Temple'

One was about a temple of blood
The other was about a couple deconstructing their marriage
While trying to save their farm in Montana

Yeah, that one sucked
The other didn't

Now do you remember?

No, he doesn't have an OSCAR!

Dude, Nikao Brody doesn't NEED an Oscar
He was in 'Temple of' FRIGGIN 'Blood!'

Hang on--

Theater Seven, Enjoy Your Show

Okay, so--

We were talking about film
And like, life
And shit
And stuff

And I told him
How you and I
Made that movie
In the abandoned lot
Next to your house

And how it got picked
For that Horror Film Festival
And we would have won
If that other guy's uncle
Hadn't been on the judging panel

And I told him how we're like
Kinda local celebrities
But we don't let it get to our heads
Because we're not douchebags like that

And I was telling how
In a lot of ways
He and I are wicked similar
Because we've both touched fame
And felt its cruel cold edge
As it crawled along our throats...

What's that from, Brisket?

Quick quick quick--

Ohhhh nooooo, my friend

It's from 'Don't Go Downstairs'
It's what Billie says to Chris
Right before he goes downstairs

Hang on--

Theater Seven, Enjoy Your Show

Man, this is so insane

Nikao Brody was talking to me
He was talking to me like I'm a person
He even ordered popcorn from me
And didn't get mad
When I spilled Pepsi on it

Like, you know celebrities are people and shit
But you don't really KNOW that, you know?
Until they're, like, there

And he's a real person

And I was telling him
That he should totally remake our movie
But let us star in it too

Like, he could have your role
And I could keep my role
And you could be an extra, or something

Brisket, this is Hollywood
Of course they wouldn't let you keep your original role
You don't have box office potential

Um, who got major ass
After our film debuted
At the Jamestown Horror Weekend?

Dude, I was swimming in ass
I was high diving into ass
I was building ass castles
With ass sand
On an ass beach in--

Hang on

Theater Seven, Enjoy Your Show

--Ass Land, U.S.A.

Huh?

Oh yeah, ass sand
Kinda gross
Sorry

Point being--

I'm destined for fame
You can see it, man
You can look at me
And just SEE it

I'm not going to spend the rest of my life
Ripping off tickets to other people's movies

I want to make my way to a rooftop somewhere
And look out over the world
And say I saw it
And say I claimed it
And say I made something out of myself
That nobody could have made
With a thousand hands

Because nobody can make a hero
But the hero

...What's that from, Brisket?

Quick, Quick, Quick

Ohhhh, I'm sorry, my friend

That is not from 'Surrendering the Badge'
That is from 'Surrending the Badge 2: Give Me Your Badge...in 3-D"

You gotta know your movies man
How you gonna hang out with a movie star like me
If you don't know your movies?

I love movies, man

I love sitting in a theater
At midnight on a Tuesday
When my Mom's working a late shift
And my Dad's drunk on the couch
Pretending like when I'm done watching Nikao Brody kick some ass
I'm going to go home to some castle somewhere
I'm going to go home and be a star

And I'll take you with me, Brisket
I'll take everybody with me

Just wait, man

One day
I'll be Theater Seven
I'll be who they're going to see

Monday, May 24, 2010

Chess

When I was...

...seven...

I beat Vladimir Pechenko
A fifty-eight year old
Grand Master

In a special match
In New York City
In front of about seven hundred
Invited guests

When we reached Checkmate
All seven hundred people
Jumped to their feet
And applauded for ten solid minutes
Until I was carried off
On my father's shoulders

I still have the distinction
Of being the only person
To beat Pechenko
In a match

Let me repeat:

The man had NEVER lost a match
In his entire LIFE

And I, at the age of seven
Beat him

I walloped him

That's not polite to say
But that's what I did

I walloped that old man

Now

When I destroyed Pechenko
The first thing Chess magazine asked me
Was what I wanted
Now that I was the most famous little girl
In the world

And I told them
That I wanted to meet
Sertin Liberty

At first they thought
I was saying something profound
Something about freedom
That I wanted to meet with freedom
Or something

But then I explained
That Sertin Liberty
Was the star
Of my favorite Nickelodeon tv show

'Ginger and the Giant Grapefruit'

That was what I wanted
I wanted to meet you

And do you know
What they told me?

Or rather, what they told Chess magazine
Your people, what they said
When the magazine asked them
If you could meet me?

They said--quote--because I have NEVER
NEVER forgotten this

'Why would Sertin Liberty want to meet a chess player?'

Now...

I know
That you weren't the one
Who said that

I know
That you have people
And that your PEOPLE said that

But all the same
I was really
REALLY pissed at you
For a VERY long time

You pretty much
Destroyed a little girl's heart
Granted, a little girl
Who had just destroyed the legacy
Of a fifty-eight year old genius
But all the same--

My heart? Eradicated

Cut to this week

When I'm in town to give a lecture at Brown
On the very match that catapulted me into chess stardom
And WHO is filming a movie
In Providence
At the same time?

Ginger's Little Brother

And I'll admit
That even after you killed my dreams
Of us one day getting married
And moving into my tree house

I still saw your movies
I still felt sort of happy
When you transitioned into an actual movie star
I still watch 'Ginger and the Grapefruit Go to Hawaii'
Whenever I'm sick in bed with a cold
And I still feel some sort of weird connection with you
After all these years

Maybe because we were both famous
When we were too young to understand
What that meant

I was too young to understand
That fame is a relative thing

And that if you don't understand that
It reminds you
In very cruel ways

You can be the star of the chess world
And be absolutely nothing
To some kid whose sister talks to a grapefruit
Just because he's on television
And you're not

So when I find out we're going to be in the same town
The same week
I call Rachel
Who works at Brown
Who booked me to come speak
Because Rachel works for a man
Who knows everybody and everything
And sure enough, this man
I think his name is Chris
Knows exactly where you're staying
And what restaurants have offered to give you and your co-workers
Unlimited bar tabs if you show up there
And sure enough, here you are
Wearing a baseball cap
As if that's any kind of a disguise

The only reason you're not being mobbed by fans right now
Is because it's a Monday night
And the place is dead

Thanks for the drink, by the way

You know, I'm sort of glad
We never got married

I'm not sure this would be the life for me

I've managed to have a pretty normal existence

I continue to play chess
Which I love
And I lecture
And I travel
And occasionally I act my age
And most of the time
I sit at home
And knit

I like to knit
Isn't that ridiculous?

But I'm happy
I really am
And you, clearly
Are not, all that happy

You're doing what you supposedly love to do
And you're miserable
I can't imagine a fate worse than that

It must be like living inside a paradox

But you know
We have another thing in common

Both of us
Don't deserve what we have

You were cute
And on an awful television show
That stupid girls like me watched

And I was a genius
Who could look at a chess board
And know how to win
In as few moves as possible

But we didn't work for what we have
We didn't earn it

We're both famous
In certain circles
And meanwhile, somewhere
There's a guy out on a construction site everyday
Busting his ass
So his kids can have better
And he's not going to be on the cover
Of any magazine ever

He's never going to be you
And he's never going to be me
And yet, HE might still be happy

And I have what he has, or could have
And I have what you have, to a smaller extent

So does that make me the worst of the bunch?

...I don't know

I feel like I knew more
When I was seven

When all I had to do
Was look at chessboards

I could figure out chessboards
I never could figure out people

No matter how hard I looked at them

I can't figure out you, for example

You're smiling
But you're slightly drunk

You've been laughing when I've been funny
But you're slightly drunk

You look like perhaps you're enjoying yourself
But you're...probably more than slightly drunk

So, Mr. Movie Star...

I believe it's your move

Christian Cruz's Never List

You know
This is the first time
I've ever played
'Never Have I Ever'
With only one other person

How much does a suite like this cost anyway?

Do you pay for it
Or does, like
The movie pay for it?

God, I wish I could afford to stay
In a place like this
When we tour

Well, it's a non-equity tour
So we usually get to stay
At a cross between a Holiday Inn
And the Bates Motel

We don't start our run at the Arts Center
Until Tuesday, so I had today off

A bunch of people went to see this production of "Hair"
Two towns over

Leave it to theater people
To spend their one night off
Going to see more theater

I'm going to get in trouble for not going

My friend Paul is in it

I'm originally from here
From Rhode Island, I mean

Paul and I went to school together
Sort of dated
Sort of a disaster

We broke up right before I got my first tour

That was an awesome tour, though

Great hotels
Great people
Great pay

I thought I'd never stop working

Then the tour ended
Then a year went by
Then another year

And the whole time I'm kicking ass
Not to have to come back here
With my tail between my legs

Finally I land this tour
And now here I am...

Back here

With my tail...

Well, I'm not sure

I mean, my parents are thrilled
Their son is in a show
At the Arts Center

My first tour was with two Tony-Award winners
But we didn't come any closer to Providence than Philly
And so it was like the whole thing didn't happen

But now I'm here
And I'm a star
I'm famous

The newspaper even did a feature on me

'Local Star Appearing at PPAC'

My mother had it framed
Before the ink was dry

Hmm?

Oh, Paul will forgive me
For skipping the show

He'll think I was exhausted
And I am, sort of...

It's more that...

Paul still loves it

He loves being onstage
He loves performing
He doesn't care if it's some shithouse theater
Former vaudeville boarding house
With folding chairs and two spotlights

He loves it

And for me--

Well--

It's hard to watch people
Who still love it

Because I don't
I don't really love it at all anymore

I've spent so many years
Worrying about it as a job
And as a reputation
And as a way to make money
And then as a way to survive
And then about how it was going to end
And when it was going to end
And and and and and and and and...

And one day I realized
I wasn't having fun
And I wasn't loving it
And I just wanted to get my check
And go home
And watch bad television
And be pissed off
That some reality show junkie
Probably has more fans
Than I ever will

And then this week, I'm back in town
And I'm actually feeling it

I'm actually feeling the love again
But mainly because I'm feeling famous

Like I'm a big shot
Like I'm really something

And then who do I run into at a little coffee shop
On the east side of the city
While I'm avoiding going to my friend's show?

Hamilton Hays

A real famous person
A writer
A person of infinite talent

I probably would have been livid
If I didn't have such a huge crush on you

Plus, admiration, of course

I mean...you're a celebrity and you're gay AND you talk about it

And you just happen
To be filming a movie
In Providence this week

It was like looking up from my latte
And seeing a really hot pot of gold
Across the room from me

And now here we are
Playing 'Never Have I Ever'
Obviously delaying
The inevitable hook-up
Which, to be honest,
I will tell ALL my friends about
I may post this as my Facebook status
Before we're even finished

In the presence of real fame
It is not only clear to me
That I am NOT famous
But that I will never BE famous

That's my move in our little game

Never have I ever been famous

Never will I ever BE famous

Never have I ever wanted to do what I do
For the right reasons

For the love
For the passion
For the fun

It was always for the fame

Never have I ever felt sorrier for myself
Never have I ever been more disgusted with myself
Never have I ever whined more
Never have I ever felt more like a failure
Never have I ever felt older
Never have I ever felt more like a fraud

That's my never list

Oh wait, one more

Never have I ever felt guiltier about missing a show
Than I do right now having missed Paul's

Maybe I'll tell him that
When he comes to see my show on Friday

And maybe I'll tell him how lucky he is

You Gotta Turn Me On

You wanna hear me
Say something nasty?

You wanna see me
Take you down a few pegs?

You wanna see if I can do it
See if I can scare you
See if I can break you
Shake your legs out from under you

All you gotta do
Is get me going

You just gotta
Flip my switch

I can be a sweetheart
Or I can be sucker
Or be your nasty bitch

I can smile and fake it
I can bake you cookies
I can be your sweet little sap

I can tear the house down
I can rile your guys up
I can frown and make it look like a trap

If you want me to
If you want me to do it

You gotta turn me on
You gotta hit the right place

You gotta say it
In such a way
That I don't have much choice
Or a voice
Or a face

So go ahead
Touch the button
Lick the stamp
And send it along

Just glance and scowl
Just turn and scoff

You gotta turn me on
But once you do
It's really hard
To turn me off

Saturday, May 22, 2010

What I Am

Eve was banished from the garden
Naked, and ashamed

She was naked before
But when God gave her shame
Her nakedness
Became the center
Of her shame

...or something

I fuck married men

I do it because it feels good
Because sex feels good
Because forbidden sex feels great
Because my father withheld love from me
And my mother is an ice cold bitch

My entire life will be spent
Seeking revenge
While naked

I feel powerful
When I'm naked

Clothing is the great equalizer

People say underneath our clothes
We're all the same
But let's be honest

You can dress up a cow
To look like a chicken
But when you take off the costume
It is what it is

And when I'm naked
I'm significantly ahead
Of most of the population

Call me egotistical
But it's the truth

And when you're naked
It's all about the truth

I'm not ashamed
I'm sure I will be one day
Because I don't exercise
And I'm confident that one day
My metabolism will slow down
And I'll balloon out
Like the Blueberry Girl
From Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

And then I won't be fucking married men
Or any men, for that matter
Except maybe for chubby chasers
And who wants to fuck them?

Oohhhh, look at the men
Getting uncomfortable
With a naked woman swearing

Men don't like it when women swear

Well--fuck men

I do

I spent my entire life getting fucked by men
And one day I decided
I might as well fuck back

No, I was not molested as a child
That's not why I am the way I am

I was not abused
I was not neglected
I was just unloved
But then again
Aren't we all?

I think who you end up being
Is a lot like being naked

You can make excuses for why it is the way it is
But it probably would have been that way anyway

I could blame my mother
For my hips
But this girl I went to school with
Had a giant nose
And neither her mother nor her father did
So what would you say about that?

You'd say if you're meant to have a giant nose, you do
And that's all there is to it

So as long as that's the case
You might as well like what you see

If you're looking for a philosophy
That's mine

Look at it
And love it

All I ever see when I look at people
Are naked people

I look at them
Then I proceed to undress them
And I'm never particularly appalled
By what I see

I see my mother
With her strange toes
And her meaty thighs
And her ridiculously small waistline
And I think she looks great

I see our neighbor
Who walks around her yard naked
Not caring one bit
That she's getting up there in age
And that her breasts are in a perpetual state of falling
And I think she looks great

I see the man I'm sleeping with
And I notice all the things wrong with him
The wrinkles and the spots and the sagging balls
And I think it's great
That he doesn't care
Whether or not he looks great

I see his secretary
Every Tuesday
And she's so beautiful
It's like watching the Mona Lisa
Answering phones and getting coffee
And I think she looks amazing

I see the photo on her desk of her brother
Who I guess does theater or something
In the photo he's dressed up like a hippie
And his shirt is open
And his chest looks spectacular
And he's probably gay
And I think he looks gorgeous
In a way only gay men can

I see the photos on my married lover's desk
Of his wife and his son
And they're both too beautiful to look at

Two people who don't understand
How truly fantastic they are
And how could they
When the man they live with
Doesn't understand it either

I see the naked guy
At the party I was at the other night
And I can see that he took off all his clothes
Trying to see if he could find
The spot on him
That indicates what's wrong with him

Like a rash
Or a sore
Or a wound
Or a scar

I can see him looking and looking
Like a dog chasing its tail
And I feel badly for him

Because he's never going to find it on himself
So he's just going to keep looking
On everybody else

Asking--'Do you have what's wrong with me?'

I see the model in my art class
Who stands there naked in front of all of us
And he looks a lot like me

In other words
He looks like he thinks
His looks can costume
What he really is

He thinks we don't know he's a chicken
With a really good cow costume

But I can see his feathers
And his beak
And his nastiness
And his deceit
And his loathing for himself

Because a cow knows another cow
When she sees one

And I see myself
In a mirror

Large breasts
Long legs
Great hair
Tight in all the right places

And I wonder...

If everybody could see this--

And I mean a lot of people have seen it
But...

If everybody could see it

Would they know what I am?

Maybe then
I'd feel ashamed

And Then There's Brian

Okay, so you just want me to...

Just...

Okay

All my clothes?

I mean, I realize I'm going to be in the shower, but--

I've never, um...

I've never been naked...

With another guy before, I mean

I've been naked in the shower before
I mean, I've showered
I've obviously washed
All my...parts...

But I've never...

And there's gonna be...

...Touching...

...which is...

...really fantastic, but, haha...

So, um, are we actually going to be...showering?

Or just...other stuff?

I mean, I guess we should shower
AFTER we do the other stuff
But will there be...any...cleansing...before that?

Not that I'm dirty!
I showered right before I came over here
But I didn't shampoo
Because I wanted to leave something for you

Which...I thought was sweet...but, now it just sounds weird...

...Is there any chance I could leave my shirt on?

I just...I feel really awkward about my torso...

It's just...it's...not...my best feature

It might look hot

Me, soaking wet
In a white t-shirt
Very...Calvin Klein circa early 90's?

I used to have this great Calvin Klein ad
In this magazine that I...

My Dad walked in on me once
Ironically, in the bathroom

No wonder I'm so hard right now
It's probably memory recall

Whenever I'm in a bathroom
I instantly get aroused

You should see the looks I get at urinals...

Hahaha--oh God, that sounds disgusting

So--leave the t-shirt on?

Fuck, Paul
Look, I'm really nervous, okay?

I don't know if you realize this
But you are not about to hook up
With some supermodel, okay?

You are about to shower
With a guy
That has no muscle
No definition
Hairy legs
And weird nipples

Now, I can't shield you
From all of the horror
But can I at least protect you
From some of it?

I know being naked is no big deal to you
You're naked on stage every week in front of people
But some of us are still really scared of the prospect
Of being naked in front of anyone
And then participating in naked activities
That might make our nakedness even more...unappealing

Have you ever seen a naked person trip?
It's the grossest thing ever

I saw it once online
There was this video that I thought was...something else
And it turned out to just be this clip
Of this naked guy falling over and over again

It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life

You wouldn't think it would be
But it is

Paul, you're really cute
I'm trying to do something
To level the odds here

Either I can keep my shirt on
Or you can put on a Richard Nixon Halloween mask
But somehow
We've got to even up the score

I...

I just can't imagine somebody looking at me naked
And thinking--Wow, yeah, I want that

I mean, I'm not...the sexy one

In my group of friends

There's the sexy one
There's the smart sexy one one
There's the mysteriously sexy one
There's the 'they should really slow down' sexy one

And then there's Brian

And I'm okay with that
I've gotten used to that

I--

Huh?

Okay, okay, okay

Fine

Off it goes--

. . . . .

See?

Nothing special, right?

What?

No, really, what?

Why are you smiling?

Hahaha--seriously?

Wow

It's just...

Um...

I never thought...

Yeah

Who knew?

Hahaha

Okay

I'm ready

Friday, May 21, 2010

Chris at the Motel

My secretary called out of work today

You're not supposed to call them secretaries anymore
You're supposed to call them assistants

Although she secretes
Much more than she assists

That's just me being funny

She said she couldn't come into work
Because her therapist had ordered her to sleep naked
And discover things about her body

Apparently, discovering your body
Requires a three-day weekend

It must be a woman thing

When you're a man
Discovering your body
Takes an extra twenty minutes
In the bathroom
Before school

Go figure

I remember the first time I caught Brian in the bathroom
The lock on the door was broke
And I walked right in on him

Poor kid

It was probably made worse by the fact
That I didn't close the door right away
Because I found him...

...uh...you know...

...to a copy of Details magazine...

...with a man on the front...

...a shirtless man...

...Yup...

Needless to say
We never talked about THAT again

Does your mother know
Why you didn't go to the retreat?

Because if she knows
She'll tell Agnes
And if Agnes knows...

Oh God, who cares?

I wish I could say that I love you, Eve
But truth be told
I just need you
And it's not the same thing

You'll learn that when you're not in your early twenties

God, you're as old as my son

Well, let me tell you something, Eve

When you get to be my age
You miss a few things

You miss having someone look at you
With desire
With passion
With ferocity

You miss having somebody grab you
And smile
And pull you into some room
So the two of you can fool around
While your kids is upstairs
Watching cartoons

You miss waking up to find the woman next to you
Looking at you
Just looking at you

You miss being a person
Because, let's face it
Once you stop being sexual
You stop being a lot of other things too

You stop being young
You stop being fun
You stop being strong
You stop, you just stop

So what happens?

You're married for twenty-five years
And one day, your wife's friend's daughter looks at you
In a way you haven't been looked at in so long...

...So long you almost forgot what that look means

And you know it's Daddy issues
And you know it's psychology
And you know you shouldn't
And you fucking do it anyway

Because you're going to die soon
And with each passing day
You're more and more aware
That there is no God and no Heaven
And everything you do on this Earth
Better be really fucking fun
Because otherwise you're going to be mad
When the day comes
When you can't do it anymore

And now here I am
Lying naked in bed
Talking to a sleeping girl
Telling her all my troubles

While my wife gets a massage
And a pedicure
At some spa
In the middle of the woods somewhere
Paid for by me
So I could have an afternoon to screw my mistress

Congratulations, Dad

You won

I'm you

And I'm naked
And I'm ugly
I'm an ugly man
And I don't even care

Ain't that somethin'?

Men don't care about being ugly
Maybe that's how come we can do the things we do
And not feel bad about it

Because women were made to be beautiful
And men were made to fuck
And fuck things up

If you think about it
That kind of explains the Universe

I miss my wife

And when I go home
I'll hug her harder than I've ever hugged her before
And she'll push me away
And I shouldn't let her

I shouldn't let her
But I will

And that'll be that

And I'll still miss her

I'll miss her when she's lying right next to me

But I'll never miss you, Eve

I'll fuck you a thousand times
But I'll never miss you

Ugh, look at me

Just look at me

So fucking disgusting...

But get me a mirror
And I'll look right into it

I'll soak it right in

Ain't that somethin'?

Ain't that some kind of mystery...

What I'd Fix

I'd fix my toes
They're a little
Every which way
And I would fix that

I'd also like the bottoms of my feet
To be smoother

I'd like my ankles
To translate and dissolve
Into the foot area
And not stand out

In other words,
I'd like invisible ankles

I'd like my thighs
To be proportionate
To the rest of my body

I don't mind having meaty thighs
But the rest of me isn't meaty
So why should my thighs be?

I'd like my ass to be an ass
Instead of just flat upper thigh area

I have no ass
And it makes life difficult

I can't do yoga
I can't sit on a floor comfortably
Although as I get older
The occasions when I need to do this
Are becoming few and far between

I'd like a bigger chest
I know every woman wants bigger breasts
But I'd just like SOME breasts
I have nothing
I have no breasts
It's...ugh

My doctor actually told me to gain weight
He said gain weight
And then you'll have breasts

So my options are being skinny and flat-chested
Or fat with decent breasts

These are my choices

I'd like the dark circles around my eyes to go away
I'd like my hair to be manageable
I'd like my ears to stick out a little bit more
Because I find that endearing in other people

I'd like my arms to not be so scrawny
I'd like my hands to be more genteel
I'd like my elbows to not look so ashy
I'd like my teeth to be white and perfect

I went to a retreat with my friend Agnes
My daughter, Eve, was going to come
But she wasn't feeling well
Or something

I think she's seeing a man
And for some reason
She doesn't want me to know about it

Well, there Agnes and I were
Naked
Standing around a swimming pool
And I felt fine
And she felt uncomfortable
And she thought that I felt fine
Because I just adore my body

What she didn't realize was that
I'm fine with my body
Because I tell myself
That one day
I will fix it

I will fix the whole damn thing
And until then
I am capable of putting up with it
Because I know
That it is going to change

Even though another part of me
Knows this is just a fairy tale
That I'm telling myself

Isn't that strange?

That I live within a contradiction?

My neighbor loves her body

She walks around her yard naked
And occasionally she'll lock herself out of her house
And saunter over to my house
Again, totally naked
As if it's nothing at all to be embarrassed about

I'm not embarrassed of my body
But I think of it as I would a messy room in my house

I don't like having guests over
Until I've had some time to tidy it up

Of course
There are things about me
That I can't fix

I'm a bit of a nag
I'm a bit of a prude
I'm a bit judgmental...at times

But at this age
I've learned
That you don't change who you are
You just try to stay aware of who you are
And make as many jokes about it as possible

There's no time
To change this frump of a person
That lurks underneath me

But there might still be time
To lift the face
And fix the flab
And get those toes
All in a row

There's still time
To dress all this up

Because if there weren't
Well...

That really would be sad
Wouldn't it?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lucy and the Neighbors

Ohhhhhh hiiiii!

It's me!

Lucy!

I'm locked out of my house--again!

Hahaha.

I really need to remember
To leave that deck door open
When I'm sunbathing

A towel?

Oh no, I wouldn't want to borrow one of your towels
Plus, it's sooo hot outside

And I wouldn't want my tan
To get uneven

My gentleman friend gets all riled up
Whenever my breasts are nice and tanned

Hmm?

You are?

Well, I'm sorry
But there's nothing to be embarrassed about

After all, we're both adults
We're both women
Aren't we--

I'm sorry, what was your name again?

Vivian, right
Aren't we both adults, Vivian?

There's nothing I have
That you haven't got
And from the looks of it
I might have a significant amount more

Hahaha--oh I mean that in the nicest way possible!

Oh, you sound just like my daughter, Rachel
She's sooo timid

I tell her all the time

Honey, if I had legs like yours
I'd never wear pants!

Hahaha

Do you have a daughter?

Ohhhhh yes, Eve!

I think my son knows her!

Doesn't she do theater?

Well, what do you know
I think they just did 'Hair' together
Downtown at the Ballantine!

Oh, how I WISH I had done theater
When I was their age

But my mother was such a prude

She'd always waddle around like a chicken
Saying things like--

'Lucille, get down out of that tree house. Tree houses are for boys.'

or

'Lucille, you are NOT going out of the house wearing a bikini top and a sarong.'

or

'Lucille, what are those three boys doing in your closet?'

God, that woman knew how to kill a childhood

Hmm?

Oh!

Well, I was going to see
If you had a chair I could stand on
I left my kitchen window open
But now that we've been having
Such a lovely talk--

Oh honey, I can climb through a window naked
Don't worry about me
I was raised in the South after all

Hell, I can climb through a window naked
While holding a banana cream pie
AND not wake up the dog

Hahaha--Unless you have a husband that could do it for me? I'd be happy to show him where the opening--

Oh, any kind of chair is fine.

I won't get it dirty, don't worry
I still have my socks on

Well, you know, I forgot to take 'em off
And then I didn't want to go all the way back into the house
Just to put 'em in the hamper
And I didn't like the way they'd look
Just lying on the deck

And...

All right, I'm fibbing a little

To be honest, I just hate my feet
I just hate 'em

They are the ruination
Of what is otherwise
A perfectly lovely body

I have this house boy who comes in twice a week
Unfortunately not today
Otherwise I wouldn't have to be bothering you
Which reminds me
Could I have some lemonade?
I'm getting parched with all this conversation

Anyway--

I met him through my daughter's ex-boyfriend

They're roommates
And he's quite a stunning young man
So I just LOVE having him around the house

Anyway--

He was going to fix the faucet in my bathroom
And he didn't know I was home
So in he walks
Right when I have my feet on the sink
Painting my toenails

Ohhhhh, I was sooooo embarrassed!

But then, he offers to finish doing them for me!

It turns out
He's a homosexual
And in between fixing leaky faucets at my place
He's a model for artists
AND his mother was a cosmetician

Oh we had a great time
Just sitting and laughing
And telling stories

He's having an affair
With this married man
Who happens to be the husband
Of a woman he sat for last week

Can you imagine, Vivian?

Oh, not so much sugar in that lemonade
Otherwise I'll be so hyper
I'll end up talking your ear off

Anyway--

Pretty soon
I didn't care at all
That he was looking at my feet
And touching them

And...

You know it just goes to show you
It's silly to have insecurities like that

I mean, what are feet really?
Or breasts?
Or legs?
Or lazy eyes?

Oh sorry, honey
I wasn't trying to hint at anything

Although I would get that leftie of yours checked out
For a second there
I thought somebody was standing in the doorway to my right

Hahaha--oh careful! You almost spilled the lemonade all over me!

Wouldn't that have been an erotic?

A naked woman in your kitchen
Covered in lemonade

I bet Mr. Vivian would have gotten a KICK out of that!

Hahaha--well, I'll just take this chair and go

But Viv, it has been a real pleasure

The next time I get locked out of my house
I know just who I'm coming to see!

The Kevin Broccoli Blog