The Stage Daughter

"You should just see Mom out on that stage
She is just spectacular
Nobody could get over how good she was
And I kept saying--

That's my mom!
That's my mom!"

. . . . .

My daughter has convinced me
That being onstage
Is my true calling

I'd prefer to just remain a secretary
At the law firm where I work
But she keeps saying--

"Mother, you are in the prime of your life! Do you know how many other mothers would KILL to be able to do some of the things you're doing? And you want to throw it all away so you can work at a LAW FIRM? I don't think so, Missy."

Secretly I think she's living vicariously through me
She's not able to be onstage or in the public spotlight
Because of an unfortunate incident she experienced as a child

"There I was, playing Baby June in my first--and LAST--theater production, when the real cow they insisted on getting for the show, stampeded--thrusting me off the stage and into the third row. I've never been able to get back onstage since then."

She's...well, she's lying.

She was playing Baby June
When she got nervous
And threw up on the Farm Boys

She made up the stampeding cow story

I've tried to tell her
Not to exaggerate but she says--

"Mother, people EXPECT a little flair! It's what life is all about! Flair, fortune, and Fosse!"

She keeps making me call out of work

"You can work whenever you want! But you can only play Evita once!"

She keeps entering me in pageants

"What do you MEAN you don't want to be Miss San Diego? Who CARES if we don't LIVE in San Diego? Why do you always let technicalities stop you from achieving my dreams? ...I mean 'your' dreams. Your dreams, of course."

She keeps making me practice my Oscar speech

"Mother, you can't wait until you're NOMINATED for an Oscar to write your speech! It takes YEARS to write a good Oscar speech. Do you want to be one of those women who stands up there yammering about her director while her daughter sits in the front row waiting for a 'thank you' that never comes? I don't think so, Missy."

I'm constantly exhausted
Because of all the rehearsals

"You know, you could stand to lose a few pounds. What are you one ten? In Bolivia, models who weigh over ninety pounds are executed in public. Keep that in mind, Mother."

And the auditions

"Are you sure you don't want to dye your hair black? I was just reading in Variety that Sela Ward booked another television show, and she has black hair. Just sayin'."

And the commercials

"Well you tell Grandma that when she starts giving out Emmy's, THEN we'll visit her at the nursing home, but until then, we need to keep our eye on the prize!"

I never see anyone anymore
My friends keep calling
Asking if I can go out with them sometime
But my daughter says--

"They're just JEALOUS! Because their daughters aren't as encouraging and supportive as yours is. By the way, you were flat all throughout your voice lesson today and we're not even going to discuss what I think about that tarp you're trying to pass off as a dress. Now, let's practice your tap dance again. A five, six, seven, eight--"

I know she means well

"Is THAT how you walk down a runway? I don't think so, Missy. I trained you better than that! Maybe we should start thinking about canceling that second honeymoon you and Daddy have been looking forward to until you start getting serious about your career!"

...But I'm thinking of giving her up for adoption

"You're lucky I love you so much, Mother. Otherwise I'd never have the strength to keep you up until 4am everyday going over your comedic monologue. Now, let's try this again."

The things a mother does for her daughter...