Agnes at the Retreat

Vivian, everyone here
Is looking
At my breasts

I think I may be the ONLY one
Not looking
At my breasts

I am trying not to look at anything

I am trying not to look at the man
With the pierced penis
That looks just like a door knocker
On a Newport mansion

I am trying not to look at the man old enough to be my father
With the large tattoo on his thigh
That says 'Going Up?'

I am trying not to look at the woman
That is looking right at me
Out of her one remaining eye

How did you talk me into going on this retreat?

You said, 'Agnes, there'll be a spa'

'Agnes, there'll be massages.'

'Agnes, it'll relax you.'

You didn't mention we'd be NUDE the entire time!

And for the love of God
Why didn't you shave your legs
If you knew we were coming here?

You didn't FEEL like it?

Vivian, shaving your legs is not something
You ever FEEL like doing
It is something you DO

At one point
Everyone in civilization got together
And decided there were certain things
We all have to do

Bathe
Dress
And shave our legs

People who choose NOT to do these things
Are not members of the current civilization

Although I suppose now I AM one of those people
Because I did not get dressed this morning
And now I standing nude around a pool
Trying not to make eye contact
With Long Jenny Silver or either of her breasts!

Are they actually going to make us
Jump into this pool?

All of us together?

All those naked bodies
Together?

In that little inground pool?

What if somebody touches me?

I'll die, Vivian

I WILL DIE!

If Chris knew I was here
He'd kill me

Oh, who am I kidding?

He wouldn't kill me
He'd laugh

He's not jealous at all

The other day he brought one of his friends home after golf
To use our shower
And his friend walked in on me in the bathroom
While I was changing

I said, 'Chris, he could have SEEN me!'

Chris said, 'So what, Agnes? It's not like he was going to get turned on!'

I know he didn't mean it to be mean
But I didn't speak to him for two days anyway

He's disinterested
He's just totally disinterested

Now Brian, he would be appalled
His poor mother standing naked
In a crowd of people
Waiting to jump into a human cesspool

Is that why you didn't invite your daughter here, Viv?
Is that why Eve didn't show up?
Because you knew we were going to wind up like this?

All I'm envisioning in my mind
Is the massage I'm going to treat myself to
From that nice Russian boy back at the rejuvenation center
Once this is all over

I wish you would stop laughing, Vivian
There is absolutely nothing funny about what's happening here

Two middle-aged women
Are humiliating themselves
This is a tragedy
A big naked tragedy

Of course it has nothing to do with my body!
I love my body!
I just don't think other people do!
And I'm not interested in changing their mind

When I was in my twenties
I'd have been strutting around this pool
Like I owned it

I'd even knock on Newport's door

But I'm married
I'm a mother
I'm past thirty
I am no longer allowed to behave that way

These are the rules, Vivian
This is what we agree to
When we continue to live on this planet
As functioning, rational human beings

. . . . .

Vivian...

Honestly...

Would you say I'm still attractive?

Not as my friend
But as an objective human being

I know I'm not young
I know I'm not sexy
I know I'm not twenty
But am I still attractive?

Because my husband won't say it
And my son--

Well, sons don't say it
They shouldn't anyway

So who's going to say it if not you?

So, Vivian, am I?

Yes, I know they're all staring at me
But I'm asking--

What?

Oh...

I guess...they are...

Why are they all staring?

Why, Vivian
Why are they all STARING AT ME?

Am I that--

. . . . .

Oh...

Well...

That's...nice of them.

Oh...hahaha...oh my...

Well, who knows...

Maybe I'll go in the pool after all

It does seem to be getting
Rather warm