Jack Hardy at a Birthday Party

It's like...depressing.

Like, I want to kill myself.

You know?

Like...birthdays...

People getting old.

Right in front of you.

Ew.

Boo.

Ew.

You wanna make out?

Whatever.

It's fine.

So that's a 'No,' right?

Okay...

Fine.

Do you have a pencil sharpener?

I found a pencil.

I want to sharpen it.

Okay....never mind.

We should have gone to Brad's party.

It would have been more fun.

Because we wouldn't be here.

Here is not fun.

It's sooo much cooler at Brad's I bet.

I bet there are people we don't know.

And I bet they're better looking than the people we do know.

And all those people are here.

You know?

No, I don't want to go now.

I'm over it.

You know who I hate? Indira Ghandi

What the fuck was her problem?

Whatever.

Hate her.

You look like a sandwich...sometimes.

I really want a sandwich.

Look at that birthday cake.

It's stupid.

I want to punch it.

Whatever.

It's so dumb here.

I hate it.

No, let's stay.

Like, why leave?

You know?

We're here.

It sucks.

Happy Birthday.

I want to hang myself from a pinata.

Do you like this shirt?

It was crazy expenda.

No rent this month--ooooops!

But every time I stretch you can see my 'noxious abs.

So yeah...

Is that a feather boa?

Is she wearing a feather boa?

I hate her.

Slash adore her and want to be her beard.

What's her name?

Do you know her?

Should I slap her ass and see if she laughs?

You don't know her?

You don't know anyone.

Ew, don't get catty.

Whatever.

I want a sandwich.

I think I'm sober.

That's 'gusting.

Is that a coffee table?

Ohhh--someone dressed like a coffee table?

I could do that.

People would love it.

I'd be a way better coffee table.

Coffee Table Boy can die.

No one would care.

Hate him.

Slash he's kind of cute.

Whatever.

I want to get put in a cage.

Do you have a cage?

It's not sexual. I just want to do it.

Ew, fine.

Do you like poor people?

I don't.

But I'd pay someone to put me in a cage.

A lot.

A ton.

A pile.

Don't you have rent due this month?

I do--but I bought this shirt.

Paying rent doesn't make you look good.

Plato said that.

I rode a donkey once at a fair.

I was like eight.

Yeah...

Stupid fucking donkey.

Whatever

Do you think Coffee Table is into me?

Ugh, what do you know?

You're a bitch.

He is too.

Bitches everywhere.

I hate my life.

Let's have a threeway.

Ew, okay.

Question.

With my hair like this, do I look yum?

Yeah, but do I look yum?

Yeah, but I'm talking YUM.

Yum or no yum?

I need a new stylist. I tell my stylists I need to be yum.

I need a drink.

I want a sandwich.

I wonder what happened to that donkey.

Feather Boa just winked at me.

I'm obsessed with her.

Should I grab her boobs?

She'll love it.

Love it.

Ew, don't give me that look.

I hate you.

Slash marry me.

Who's birthday is it anyway?

Is it mine?

Oh my God

I hope it's not mine.

Because this party sucks.