When Miss July Met Miss Ladd

Welcome, welcome, welcome

To Miss July's Monday Night
Here at The Holy Roller

They used to have me work the weekends here
But I've been replaced with pub trivia
Apparently getting trashed while you try and remember
Who played the son on The Jeffersons
Is the new thing to do

By the way, do you like my dress?

I call it my Dusty Springfield look

A preacher gave it to me
In exchange for his son

Now, before I go any further
I want to acknowledge that we have some people here tonight
Almost as famous as I am

For those of you who have been living under a bridge
And from the look of it
Some of you HAVE

They've been filming a movie here in Providence
And a few of the famous people
Wandered in here tonight

We have Christina Marks
Who recently dabbled in lesbianism
Congratulations, honey
You'll never buy your own drinks again

We have Nikao Brody

Or rather, I have Nikao Brody
The rest of you bitches
Better keep your hands to yourselves

We have Hamilton Hays
The newest out gay celebrity in Hollywood
Let me know when I can watch you on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune, sweetheart

Then there's Dede
One name
One brain cell
One real breast

I guess she's waiting for them to give her a spin-off
Before she'll get the other one done

Finally we have Sertin Liberty

I loved your last movie
I always love it when a theater's empty
It makes the back row so much more fun

So those are our celebrities

I've been told to ask you all
Not to request autographs from them
Not because they're snobs
But because they might screw up
And write their real names

I'm guessing Dede's last name
Is somewhere between Krotzoco
And Rubinstein

So normally on these Monday nights
I regale you all with medleys
Of either Rodgers and Hart
Or Seals and Croft

But unfortunately
I forgot to bring the sheet music
To 'Summer Breeze'

So I guess I'm going to have to improvise...

You know, having all these celebrities here
Reminds me of the time
When I lived in Los Angeles

When I was just a Junior Miss July

Back then I was still trying to make a career as an actress
While waiting tables and hosting an open mic night
At Happy's Hot Tamale six blocks from Rodeo Drive

Happy wasn't so happy
But the hookers sure were

Where was I?

Oh yeah

There I was at an audition
To be the next Charlie's Angel
Replacing the late, great Farrah Fawcett
Who, incidentally
Stole Ryan O'Neal from me
May she rest in peace, that miserable bitch

I was reading the sides for 'Angels in Paradise'
When Charlie got kidnapped in Hawaii
And the angels have to save him

Don Ho was in that episode
A lovely man that I shared an apartment with
In the early eighties--

But I trail off--

There I am sitting next to--

Wait for it...

--Cheryl Ladd

She's sitting there shaking and nervous
And biting the tips of her hair
Which I think, was the only thing she ate back then

I introduced myself

I said, 'Hello, I'm Andrew Richmond'

I was trying to get her to loosen up
But instead she got nervous
And moved to the other side of the room

After a few minutes
I noticed she was looking my way again

'Where'd you get your shoes,' she asked me

'I get 'em from my boyfriend,' I said

'Oh,' she said, 'Maybe I know him.  What's his name?'

And I said--without missing a beat--

'Andy Gibb'

That rattled her so bad
She went in and blew her audition

Came out crying
Mascara running down her face
Sobbing like she just found out
That she lost her job
At the Howard Johnson's

So I go in
And I nail it

I mean, I NAIL it

I know I have the role
And as I'm walking out
I hear them say--

'That other girl was a mess, but she was just what we're looking for. Too bad for her THIS girl has the looks and the attitude.'

And I think, Wow
That girl could have had it

BUT NOW I GOT IT!

I'M A DRAG QUEEN
I'M GOING TO BE A CHARLIE'S ANGEL!
AND KATE JACKSON IS STILL GOING TO BE THE 'SMART' ONE!

And then I walk outside
And I see Cheryl
Sitting on the curb
Clutching her headshot
Rocking back and forth
And mumbling like Linda Blair in The Exorcist

I felt like I should do something
Before she starts stabbing her hoo hah with a crucifix

I said, 'Hey Cheryl, you almost--'

But before I could say anything
She stood up
And said to me--

'I wanted that more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life.'

And you know what I thought?

Well, the first thing I thought was--

BITCH, EVERY GIRL IN THIS COUNTRY WANTS TO BE ON CHARLIE'S ANGELS!

But then I saw the tears
The angry tears
Still clinging to her eyes

I've had those tears before

I had those tears the day I walked out of my house in Albany
At the age of sixteen
Because my mother found me
Trying on her pumps

I had those tears the first time I got mugged in L.A.
I had those tears the second time I got mugged in L.A.
And I had those tears the third time somebody tried to mug me
As I was beating them unconscious with my clutch

I know those tears
And I couldn't be the reason
Cheryl Ladd had those tears
In her beady little eyes

So I went back into that audition room
And right in front of those casting people
I took it off...

My Farrah Fawcett wig

I took it off

Needless to say, Cheryl got the job

And did I ever get a Thank you card?
Did I ever get an invitation
To Aaron Spelling's 4th of July party?
Did I get a guest spot on The Love Boat?

Where was I going with this?

Oh right--fame

Cheryl needed that fame

See, I don't

I don't need anything
But a Monday night
A gin and tonic
And the sweet sounds
Of applause

'Cause let me tell you something, kids

When you're up onstage
Making people laugh
Making them forget about their day
Making them forget that they have work tomorrow
And the fact that they're out drinking
Probably means their sponsor is on vacation

When you're doing that
It doesn't matter if you're doing it in an arena
Or a dive in the middle of Providence

When I hear that applause
That's all the fame I need

That...and the number of that man in the third row

Hey honey--

Ever kissed a star before?