Christian Cruz's Never List

You know
This is the first time
I've ever played
'Never Have I Ever'
With only one other person

How much does a suite like this cost anyway?

Do you pay for it
Or does, like
The movie pay for it?

God, I wish I could afford to stay
In a place like this
When we tour

Well, it's a non-equity tour
So we usually get to stay
At a cross between a Holiday Inn
And the Bates Motel

We don't start our run at the Arts Center
Until Tuesday, so I had today off

A bunch of people went to see this production of "Hair"
Two towns over

Leave it to theater people
To spend their one night off
Going to see more theater

I'm going to get in trouble for not going

My friend Paul is in it

I'm originally from here
From Rhode Island, I mean

Paul and I went to school together
Sort of dated
Sort of a disaster

We broke up right before I got my first tour

That was an awesome tour, though

Great hotels
Great people
Great pay

I thought I'd never stop working

Then the tour ended
Then a year went by
Then another year

And the whole time I'm kicking ass
Not to have to come back here
With my tail between my legs

Finally I land this tour
And now here I am...

Back here

With my tail...

Well, I'm not sure

I mean, my parents are thrilled
Their son is in a show
At the Arts Center

My first tour was with two Tony-Award winners
But we didn't come any closer to Providence than Philly
And so it was like the whole thing didn't happen

But now I'm here
And I'm a star
I'm famous

The newspaper even did a feature on me

'Local Star Appearing at PPAC'

My mother had it framed
Before the ink was dry

Hmm?

Oh, Paul will forgive me
For skipping the show

He'll think I was exhausted
And I am, sort of...

It's more that...

Paul still loves it

He loves being onstage
He loves performing
He doesn't care if it's some shithouse theater
Former vaudeville boarding house
With folding chairs and two spotlights

He loves it

And for me--

Well--

It's hard to watch people
Who still love it

Because I don't
I don't really love it at all anymore

I've spent so many years
Worrying about it as a job
And as a reputation
And as a way to make money
And then as a way to survive
And then about how it was going to end
And when it was going to end
And and and and and and and and...

And one day I realized
I wasn't having fun
And I wasn't loving it
And I just wanted to get my check
And go home
And watch bad television
And be pissed off
That some reality show junkie
Probably has more fans
Than I ever will

And then this week, I'm back in town
And I'm actually feeling it

I'm actually feeling the love again
But mainly because I'm feeling famous

Like I'm a big shot
Like I'm really something

And then who do I run into at a little coffee shop
On the east side of the city
While I'm avoiding going to my friend's show?

Hamilton Hays

A real famous person
A writer
A person of infinite talent

I probably would have been livid
If I didn't have such a huge crush on you

Plus, admiration, of course

I mean...you're a celebrity and you're gay AND you talk about it

And you just happen
To be filming a movie
In Providence this week

It was like looking up from my latte
And seeing a really hot pot of gold
Across the room from me

And now here we are
Playing 'Never Have I Ever'
Obviously delaying
The inevitable hook-up
Which, to be honest,
I will tell ALL my friends about
I may post this as my Facebook status
Before we're even finished

In the presence of real fame
It is not only clear to me
That I am NOT famous
But that I will never BE famous

That's my move in our little game

Never have I ever been famous

Never will I ever BE famous

Never have I ever wanted to do what I do
For the right reasons

For the love
For the passion
For the fun

It was always for the fame

Never have I ever felt sorrier for myself
Never have I ever been more disgusted with myself
Never have I ever whined more
Never have I ever felt more like a failure
Never have I ever felt older
Never have I ever felt more like a fraud

That's my never list

Oh wait, one more

Never have I ever felt guiltier about missing a show
Than I do right now having missed Paul's

Maybe I'll tell him that
When he comes to see my show on Friday

And maybe I'll tell him how lucky he is