Alice Away on Business

Jess, let me talk to your sister

No, I'm going to talk to you later
Because I want to talk to your sister first
Because I'm mad at her

I am not slighting you, Jessica
Be glad you're not in trouble
And put your sister on the--

I'm not telling you WHY she's in trouble
That's between her and I

Well you WILL be in trouble
If you don't give her the phone

No, if you're in trouble
I will still not be talking to you first
Because you will have gotten in trouble AFTER your sister
And so you'll have to wait your turn

So you'll be in trouble and still waiting
And still not knowing what your sister did
Because trust me, it's worse than anything you're capable of

Now, can I talk to--

Hello Phillip

Phillip, I'm sure she doesn't hate you
She's your grandmother, Phillip
She doesn't hate you

She hates me
But she definitely does not hate you

Because I made her a grandmother before she was fifty
And she's never forgiven me for it

Is she there?
Is your sister there?

No, not Jessica
I spoke to Jessica
No! Don't give Jessica the phone
Keep the phone, Phillip
Protect the phone

Where's your grandmother?

Well what good is it having her babysit if she's sleeping?

That was a rhetorical question, Phillip

A rhetorical question is when you say--"Yes, Mom, you're absolutely right."

ALL my questions are rhetorical questions, Phillip

Where is your sister?
Where's Beth?

Look for her?
What do you mean look for her?
We live in a duplex
Where would she be hiding?

. . . . .

Did she go out with a boy?

What did he look like?

Did he look like a boy I wouldn't like?

A tattoo on the right side of his face?

Yup, that's the one

Phillip, did Beth get in a car with him?

Oh thank God

What?

What do you mean she got in Grandma's car with him?

Where was Grandma?

And they just drove off?

Why didn't you say anything?
Why didn't Jessica say anything?
Why didn't you call me?
Why didn't you wake up Grandma?
Why--

I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU!

Protect her? You were trying to protect her?
Protecting her means letting her get into a car
With a boy who has the word 'Hellfire'
Tattooed on the side of her face?

Wait a minute...

You wouldn't protect Beth
You hate Beth
Jessica hates Beth
Put Jessica on the phone

Oh, NOW she doesn't want to talk to me?

Fine

Put me on speakerphone

Am I on?

Beth bribed the two of you, didn't she?

I hope you know
When I get home
I'm confiscating that money
And firing your Grandmother
From now on I'm letting the creepy woman down the street
Watch the two of you

Love you, bye

. . . . .

Beth, this is your mother

I called to yell at you
For disobeying my wishes
When I am away on business
Trying to make enough money
To buy you the car you wanted for your birthday
So that you don't have to steal your Grandmother's car
When you want to go out with Hepatitis Hank

Although I do have to thank you
For giving your brother and sister their allowance money for the week

I will not, as it turns out
Be yelling
Because after giving it some thought
I have decided
That in the event you were to run away with Scurvy Scott
And get married
And populate some swampy locale
Like South Florida
With your divine off-spring

I would feel terrible
If the last thing you heard from me
Your mother
Was the last thing I heard from my mother
After I ran off with your father

Instead I'll say this:

In front of me
I have a notepad
With numbers on it

Tuition costs
Rent payment
Insurance
Electricity bills
And of course--

The cell phone family plan
Which has just gone up
Twenty dollars

I am away on business so much
That I have missed
Two school plays
A fifth grade graduation
And...

Your prom

The last one really killed me

I am telling you all this
Because I wonder if you're in that car
Because of my failure as a parent

I wonder if this is you lashing out
Or if you're just being a normal teenage girl
Or if you're planning on following in my footsteps

Because, sweetie, let me tell you something
Those footsteps are muddy and deep

For whatever reason you're sitting next to that...That
Just know that...

I love you

I will be screaming at you
When I get home
So I want to tell you now
That I love you

Because sometimes I forget
That that's the first thing
I should say to you
To all of you

So...I love you

You're grounded
I love you

You're ruining your life
I love you

You're going to put me in an early grave
I love you

And I'll try to be home
In time for graduation

Bye