Rachel, Sleeping Naked

Hello, Dr. Stanz?

Hi Dr. Stanz
It's Rachel--

I know
I'm sorry to bother you
At such a late hour
But...

I'm having a little trouble
With the assignment you gave me

I'm lying in bed
Naked
No clothes on
At all

God, it feels strange
Saying this to a man...

All right, well...

I know the assignment
Was to help me become more comfortable
In my body

But to be honest
I can't sleep
I feel dirty
And I'm scared that if I look under the covers
I'm going to pass out

Dr. Stanz
I haven't looked at...that
In...a very long time

A very, very long time

Not even in the shower

I mean, I've glanced
But I've never looked
I've certainly never...stared

Well, I've BEEN doing the exercises you gave me
But they don't seem to be working

I wrote down that list of things I like about myself
But then it felt like I was gloating
So I crossed everything out
And shredded the paper it was on

Do you see what I do, Dr. Stanz?
Do you see why I'll never be happy?

This is why Viktor left me

Because he couldn't stand my self-deprecation

He used to call me beautiful
And I'd wince

Or he'd touch me
And I'd pull away

One time he told me
That he wanted to write poems
All over my body

I offered to buy him a notebook instead

He screamed at me!

He said--'I want to write on every part of you that I love! I want to fill up your body with poetry!'

And I said--'Can't you just fill up the left shoulder and my right arm? I like those parts.'

No wonder he left

Most guys leave because women want too much from them
Mine left because he wanted to give too much

This isn't going to work, Dr. Stanz
I am not this person

I'm not a woman who sleeps naked
And masturbates
And embraces her womanhood
And lights candles
And dates poets

I'm no good at being that person
That person doesn't fit me

Now, my mother
She's that person

She's gorgeous
And she knows it
And everybody else knows it too

And my whole life
All I heard was--
'Oh, your mother is so pretty, Rachel.'

And my brother doesn't care
Because he's a boy
And an actor

My mother called me today
To tell me he's going to be naked onstage
In the play he's doing

Where did he get that ability from?
When did he get so confident?
How were we raised in the same house
And he can not only stand naked in front of people
But SING while he's doing it

I can't even hide out under my sheets
Without feeling totally mortified

Dr. Stanz, if you want me to
I can stay like this all night

Who knows?

At some point
I may even fall asleep

But tomorrow I'm going to wake up
The same person I was
When I went to bed

And tomorrow night it'll be the same thing

Being naked
Does not make you okay with being naked

Looking at your body
And telling yourself that you love it
Does not make it true

If I look under these covers right now
I am not going to like what I see
And with each passing year
I am going to like it less and less

That is just what it is, Dr. Stanz
That is just the price you pay
For being normal

I know I'm not ugly, Dr. Vargas
But I am normal
I am incredibly normal
And that's what disappoints me

That's why I wouldn't let Viktor write those poems on my body

Because that is something that should be reserved
For a muse
An angel
An artist's girlfriend
An inspiration
And I am not any of those things

I'm a clerk in a law office
With a normal, soft-in-most-places body
And I'm okay with it
I am, I am OKAY with
But I am never going to be in LOVE with it

So I just--

But Dr. Stanz, I--

I'm telling you that I can't--

Okay

All right

Okay

Fine

. . . . .

I'm looking

Fine, I'm looking

I'm looking
I'm looking
I'm looking

. . . . .

Ugh...

...No...

No, Dr. Stanz
That's not why I'm crying

I'm crying because I can see them

I can see the words
He would have written

I can see every word