Chris at the Motel

My secretary called out of work today

You're not supposed to call them secretaries anymore
You're supposed to call them assistants

Although she secretes
Much more than she assists

That's just me being funny

She said she couldn't come into work
Because her therapist had ordered her to sleep naked
And discover things about her body

Apparently, discovering your body
Requires a three-day weekend

It must be a woman thing

When you're a man
Discovering your body
Takes an extra twenty minutes
In the bathroom
Before school

Go figure

I remember the first time I caught Brian in the bathroom
The lock on the door was broke
And I walked right in on him

Poor kid

It was probably made worse by the fact
That I didn't close the door right away
Because I found him...

...uh...you know...

...to a copy of Details magazine...

...with a man on the front...

...a shirtless man...

...Yup...

Needless to say
We never talked about THAT again

Does your mother know
Why you didn't go to the retreat?

Because if she knows
She'll tell Agnes
And if Agnes knows...

Oh God, who cares?

I wish I could say that I love you, Eve
But truth be told
I just need you
And it's not the same thing

You'll learn that when you're not in your early twenties

God, you're as old as my son

Well, let me tell you something, Eve

When you get to be my age
You miss a few things

You miss having someone look at you
With desire
With passion
With ferocity

You miss having somebody grab you
And smile
And pull you into some room
So the two of you can fool around
While your kids is upstairs
Watching cartoons

You miss waking up to find the woman next to you
Looking at you
Just looking at you

You miss being a person
Because, let's face it
Once you stop being sexual
You stop being a lot of other things too

You stop being young
You stop being fun
You stop being strong
You stop, you just stop

So what happens?

You're married for twenty-five years
And one day, your wife's friend's daughter looks at you
In a way you haven't been looked at in so long...

...So long you almost forgot what that look means

And you know it's Daddy issues
And you know it's psychology
And you know you shouldn't
And you fucking do it anyway

Because you're going to die soon
And with each passing day
You're more and more aware
That there is no God and no Heaven
And everything you do on this Earth
Better be really fucking fun
Because otherwise you're going to be mad
When the day comes
When you can't do it anymore

And now here I am
Lying naked in bed
Talking to a sleeping girl
Telling her all my troubles

While my wife gets a massage
And a pedicure
At some spa
In the middle of the woods somewhere
Paid for by me
So I could have an afternoon to screw my mistress

Congratulations, Dad

You won

I'm you

And I'm naked
And I'm ugly
I'm an ugly man
And I don't even care

Ain't that somethin'?

Men don't care about being ugly
Maybe that's how come we can do the things we do
And not feel bad about it

Because women were made to be beautiful
And men were made to fuck
And fuck things up

If you think about it
That kind of explains the Universe

I miss my wife

And when I go home
I'll hug her harder than I've ever hugged her before
And she'll push me away
And I shouldn't let her

I shouldn't let her
But I will

And that'll be that

And I'll still miss her

I'll miss her when she's lying right next to me

But I'll never miss you, Eve

I'll fuck you a thousand times
But I'll never miss you

Ugh, look at me

Just look at me

So fucking disgusting...

But get me a mirror
And I'll look right into it

I'll soak it right in

Ain't that somethin'?

Ain't that some kind of mystery...