The Villain at a Tea Party

Thank you for inviting me
To this lovely tea party, Holly

Normally I'm busy on Wednesdays
Blowing up islands off the coast of Greenland
But thanks to global warming
The island I was going to blow up
Is two feet underwater
And blowing up submerged islands
Isn't nearly as fun
As blowing up regular ones

JOHN TESH! JOHN TESH SIT DOWN!

I'm so sorry
I usually don't bring my koala bear out with me
But I had to feed my babysitter to wild pigs
When I found out she ate my last pint of Breyer's ice cream

Hmmm?

More tea?

Absolutely

Is there a reason the teddy bear isn't talking to me?

I apologized for shooting him with the laser gun
I was trying to set it to vibrate
And it went off by accident
The vibrate button
And the stun button
Look exactly the same

Well, if he's going to hold a grudge
Maybe I'll just shoot him again
And this time I'll use the 'Kill Your Family' button

...It doesn't kill your ENTIRE family...

...Just your least favorite uncle...

...Do bears have uncles? I mean, uncles that they're aware of?

Oh, well, never mind

So how's third grade going?

When I was in third grade
I conquered Sardinia

Well, I didn't so much conquer it
As I went there
And put a flag down on the docks

It's probably not there anymore
But it was
For at least an hour

Do you have any scones?
I haven't had a good scone
Since I blew up the Eiffel Tower

...What?

What do you mean it's still there?

Well, no, I didn't stay behind
To make SURE it blew up

You put eighteen boxes of dynamite
Next to the Eiffel Tower
You just EXPECT that it will--

Ohhhhh, you know what?

I forgot to light the fuse

Ugh, you can't imagine how often I do that

If it weren't for my slippery memory
Romania would be called--

'That Place That Used to Be Romania'

No scones?

Did the teddy bear eat them?

Are you sure?

I wouldn't put it past him.

He's about to have one less least favorite uncle
If you catch my drift

By the way, I'm sorry about lighting your dollhouse on fire

From the right angle
It looks just like the Hero's secret lair
And I instantly flashed back
To when he held me there for four hours
And made me watch the entire third season of "Wings"

Next thing I knew
The match just flew right out of my hands

I'm sure your insurance will cover it

You don't?

Well, that's just foolish
You have to be prepared

May I have some more tea?

This is a lovely party
I don't know why I don't get invited to things like this
More often