(DANNY, is sitting on a chair in WILL and NICK's living room. WILL and NICK sit close together on a couch.)
DANNY: ...Well, it looks like I can congratulate you. You're going to be parents.
WILL: Thank you so much.
NICK: This is incredible.
WILL: When do we get our child?
DANNY: Right now.
NICK: Seriously?
WILL: Like now now?
DANNY: Yup. Paperwork's all set. All I gotta do is place him in your arms.
NICK: It's a boy? We have a son. That's--
WILL: I'm speechless. I'm totally speechless.
NICK: So, is someone bringing him to us, or--
DANNY: I believe I have that pleasure.
(DANNY puts down his clipboard, goes over to the couch, and sits on WILL's lap.)
DANNY: Ta dah!
(A beat.)
WILL: Uh...what are you doing?
DANNY: I'm sitting on my Dad's lap. That's what I'm doing, Mr. Questionnaire!
WILL: Is this a joke?
DANNY: Nooooo.
WILL: Uh...
NICK: Can you get off his lap now?
DANNY: Aw, I got it. No roughhousing before dinner. Hear ya loud and clear, Pop. By the way, you named me Daniel, but you call me Danny or Skipper, when I'm playing baseball, which I hate, but you don't care, because you're projecting your dreams of athleticism on me, but we're working through it as a family. Are we having pork for dinner because I'm a vegan. Oh, and can I borrow the car later?
(DANNY sits back down on the chair.)
WILL: Please tell me we're on a hidden camera show.
DANNY: If the show's called 'Big Happy Family,' then you just might be!
NICK: Are you telling me we just adopted you?
DANNY: You betcha!
WILL: But we didn't want a--
NICK: How OLD are you?
DANNY: Twenty-seven. And I'm well-adjusted and kind-hearted. Pat yourselves on the back.
WILL: But we wanted a baby!
DANNY: Ew, why? They puke and stuff.
NICK: We want to be parents. You're a full-grown adult.
DANNY: I know! You got to skip all the lame stuff. Ps. I have a boyfriend and he's so cute. You're going to love him.
WILL: You realize you're only a year younger than us, right?
DANNY: Ooooohhh scandalous! Hahaha but seriously, we'll just tell people you're both in your fifties.
NICK: Excuse me?!?!
DANNY: Or we could tell them I'm twelve. Your choice. My agent says I have a very expansive range of ages I can play. Currently I'm up for third toddler in the Picky's Peanut Butter commercial.
NICK: Who ARE you?
WILL: Don't you work for the adoption agency?
DANNY: No, no, no, no, noooooo. I mean, I temped them. That's how I saw your application. But I'm actually a full-time actor slash artist honing my craft.
NICK: Your craft? You make bureaus?
DANNY: Dad, why do you always have to be so judgmental about my art?
NICK: First off, I'm not your Dad--
WILL: Danny, maybe you should--
NICK: Secondly, clearly, you're insane.
DANNY: Are you going to put me on meds?
NICK: No, we're--Don't you HAVE parents? Like, of your own?
DANNY: You mean my biological parents?
WILL and NICK: Yes!
DANNY: They left me in front of a Target and drove off.
WILL: Oh my God, really? That's awful.
DANNY: I know.
WILL: Who could do that to a baby?
DANNY: Oh, I wasn't a baby. This was yesterday.
(NICK stands up.)
NICK: Okay--
DANNY: Just because I charged a bag of potato chips to her card.
WILL: Potato chips?
DANNY: And a flatscreen.
NICK: Enough!
DANNY: But it's my birthday!
WILL: It is?
DANNY: In like...ten months. What are you getting me? TriptoParisacarandapuppy?
WILL: Danny--
DANNY: TriptoParisacarandakitten?
NICK: I'm calling the police.
DANNY: TriptoParisacarandakittenandthenumberofthatguywhosepictureisonyourmantle?
WILL: That's my brother!
DANNY: Oh my God! I was crushing on my uncle? Ew, I'm gross. Don't judge me. I had a rough childhood. These past five minutes have been really hard on me. Where's my room by the way? I need to make sure there's enough natural light in there.
WILL: DANIEL!
DANNY: Wow, no nickname. I must be in trouble. Time-out corner?
NICK: I'd like to--
WILL: Nick, stop! Listen, Daniel, we understand that everyone needs a home.
DANNY: So we CAN get a puppy?
WILL: I'm not talking about a puppy. I'm talking about you. This is not your home.
DANNY: ...But then where is my home?
NICK: A small white room with bars on the windows.
DANNY: Oh my God, have you guys been to my mother's house? Because that's, like, eerily accurate.
WILL: Okay, call the police.
DANNY: Minus the windows. She lives in, what some might call, a refrigerator box next to a 7-11.
NICK: Screw the police. I'm calling the FBI.
WILL: Wait! Danny, when you were temping at the agency, did you happen to hear anything about how long it normally takes to adopt a child?
DANNY: Um, like, years.
WILL: Nick, I can't wait years. My high school reunion is next month. If I don't have a kid by then, people are going to think I'm a loser.
NICK: So, we'll, like, do an express adoption or whatever.
DANNY: Those don't exist. They're imaginary. Like unicorns and hippos.
WILL: Hippos aren't--okay, never mind. The point is--we need a baby, and he's...I mean--
NICK: Are you suggesting we keep him?
DANNY: Yay! Buy-me-things-immediately-I-don't-feel-loved-puppy-puppy-puppy.
NICK: That is NOT going to be my son.
WILL: Just for, like, a couple of months. You know, to see how it feels. It has to be easier than raising a baby.
DANNY: I know all about tricking!
NICK: You mean like magic tricks?
DANNY: ...Um, okay, sure.
NICK: Will, this isn't going to work.
WILL: Please, Nick! Mary Ellen Bakerfield had twins last month and her husband is a dentist. I can't compete with that unless I have a child.
DANNY: Did I mention I'm getting a tattoo and you can't stop me because I hate you so much are you havinganotherbabydon'tstoplovingmepleaseI'msoneedy!
NICK: Will, are you sure he's not yours?
WILL: I'd slap you, but I really need to go along with this.
(A beat.)
NICK: Fine. (To DANNY.) But just so you know, I firmly believe in beating children with large, heavy objects. Keep that in mind.
(NICK exits.)
DANNY: (To WILL.) Dad, I just want you to know--I love you more than Other Dad.
WILL: Thank you, Danny.
DANNY: By the way, when the police call, try to sound sincere when you them I've been here all night. OkaygoingoverSteven'shouseforafewweeksandimprobablycomingbackwithsomethingpiercediloveyou!
(DANNY exits.)
WILL: They grow up so fast.
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