The Leopard Laments His Dinner

Ugh, I'm just..

I mean, I'm hungry but...you know?

Like what do I feel like eating?

I had gazelle last night
And the night before
And I just...you know?

Like--again?
Again with the gazelle?
I'd rather just lay here

I just don't feel like doing it, you know?
Chasing it down
Killing it
Protecting the corpse
From other predators
You know, that's just...
That's a lot of work

And I'm just not that into it

I mean, if somebody were to kill the gazelle for me
I guess I'd nibble at it, but...

You know what the problem is?

I ate a hyena this afternoon
And I threw off my whole diet

Like, if I eat that late in the afternoon
I'm not hungry again until midnight

And then I'm all screwed up

Did you ever try catching a gazelle at midnight?
I mean, for, like, a midnight snack?
When you're already tired?
It's not fun
I'll tell you that much

You know what I could go for?
A nice panda bear
No, I was talking to my cousin Jim
The one they put in the zoo
And then sent back
Because he bit off that zookeeper's hand
And he said on hot days
He could smell the panda pen
And it smelled like fresh zebra guts
Right when it pours out of the underbelly

Now, that I could go for
I'd even chase the panda down

Actually, I wouldn't have to
I hear they're pretty fat

That's what we need around here
Fatter prey

I'm getting too old for the hustle and bustle
Of the food chain

Eating is a young man's game
It really is

Next thing you know
I'm going to be attacking giraffes

Or those little monkeys
That live in the ground

My cousin Jim's been on this new diet
Since they sent him back from the States

He only eats wildebeest kidneys
And wild rice

I told him his fur's going to fall out
If he keeps that up
But he doesn't want to hear it

He's all hookey dookey now
With his meals

All right, enough chit chat
Time to attack

...In five minutes

I'll chase down something in five minutes

That alligator near the river
Looks pretty subdued

You know, I haven't had seafood
In a long time