Nobody's Getting Fired

"...So, I'm fired?"
"Whoa, whoa.  Haha nobody's fired.  Who's fired?  Nobody's fired."
"But--"
"You're taking some time off."
"But I don't want time off."
"Who doesn't want time off?"
"I don't."
"Why not?"
"Because I won't be getting paid.  I won't be able to--"
"You'll be getting paid.  That's what unemployment is for."
"So I'm going to be unemployed?"
"Temporarily."
"So you're firing me?"
"Don't be so dramatic."
"Wouldn't you be dramatic?"
"If I were getting paid time off?"
"Unemployment runs out."
"In time, yes, but let's not talk about time."
"But--"
"Let's not make this about time.  Time is relative."
"Not when it runs out, it's not.  When it runs out, it is definitely not relative.  It's almost physical at that point."
"Again, this is all temporary."
"So, you're going to hire me back?"
"Someone will."
"Will you?"
"I might."
"Really?"
"Let's not get specific here.  Specifics are so complicated."
"Actually, specifics are, by their nature, not complicated."
"The point is, eventually you'll be working again."
"So I'm not working now."
"Not today."
"And tomorrow?"
"Maybe."
"But not here."
"No."
"So I've been fired?"
"You seem to have a thing for labels haha you gotta get past that."
"Will I ever be coming back to work here?"
"You might.  People are living longer these days."
"What does that even mean?"
"Anything's possible."
"Now you're just spouting meaningless cliches at me."
"Life is a journey."
"Do I have a job?"
"We all have a job."
"So at the moment, what's mine?"
"To be a good human being."
"What's my task?"
"To clean out your desk."
"Because I'm fired?"
"Because we're...restructuring."
"Will I be here after the restructuring?"
"Who can say?"
"Will you be here after the restructuring?"
"Yes."
"How is it you can say you'll be here after the restructuring but you can't say whether or not I'll be?"
"Because I'm one of the people doing the restructuring."
"Then why can't you keep my position?  Why can't you keep me?"
"I wish I could answer these tough questions."
"You can't even tell me whether or not I have a job!"
"I think this is when you should go home and take a nice nap."
"Are you suggesting this or insisting on it?
"Suggesting it."
"Then I'd like to stay."
"That's fine.  If you want to volunteer your time--"
"Volunteer?"
"I don't want you to feel like I'm kicking you out of here.  That wouldn't be hospitable.  We've worked together.  You're like family."
"So I can stay?"
"Yes."
"And work?"
"Yes."
"You just won't pay me."
"I feel like we're finally communicating."
"I hate you."
"I'm hearing that."
"Just fire me.  Just tell me I'm fired."
"You're valuable."
"Just say 'You're fired.'"
"Do you need some tissue?  Normally there's crying when this sort of things happens.  I feel like I might cry.  We can cry together if you want."
"You know what?  Never mind.  I quit."
"You do?  Oh gosh, that's a relief!  All this time I've been trying to think of a way to tell you that we have to let you go, and now you've gone ahead and quit.  Well, that is a weight off my shoulders, let me tell you."
"So, you were going to fire me?"
"What difference does it make now?  You quit.  Wow, this will really help the restructuring."
"You're a terrible person."
"No, I'm not.  I'm terrible at firing people.  If I were great at firing people, then I'd be a terrible person.  That's the whole point, you see?"
"I'm leaving."
"But you don't really think I'm a terrible person, do you?"
"Don't bother calling security."
"Wait, say you don't think I'm a terrible person."
"I have to go clear out my desk."
"But--"
"Good-bye."
"You have to say it.  You have to say I'm not a bad person!  A bad person would have just fired you; I didn't!  Right?"

. . . . .

"...Right?"