Emo Boy Goes Caroling

Hey, I'm here to carol
And stuff

Like, what song do you want to hear?

'Jingle Bells?'

Oh my Gaia
That's sooo over-played

Like, it's probably the lamest song of all time
And anybody who sings it
Might as well wear a t-shirt that says
'I only like dumb stuff that everybody else likes'

But yeah, whatever
I guess I could sing it

Just don't ask me to sing 'Santa Claus is Comin' To Town'
Because it totally promotes the joining
Of morality and materialism
And it also tells kids that there's a fat old guy somewhere
With all their names and what they do
And where I'm from, we call that a pedophile

Also, don't ask me to sing 'Frosty the Snowman'
Because I think it's twisted
That we teach kids if you put hats on inanimate objects
Like snow, which isn't even an object
It'll come to life and play with you
Until it dies tragically
Thereby ruining your Christmas
Which is a totally bastardized holiday anyway

Hey, I could sing this song by this band
That you've probably never heard of
And if you have
Then you probably haven't heard the first version of it
That they premiered at this little club in Czechoslovakia
Like two days ago
And if you haven't heard that version
Then you really haven't heard it the way they want you to

It's called 'It's Not Snowing (The Sky's Bleeding Nothingness)'

Um, okay, fine
But it's like, way better than 'Rudolph'
Or whatever
Because that's about a defenseless bullied animal
Who eventually gets used by his bullies
So he sells out his soul
To save them
In their hour of need
Even though all they're doing
Is helping a fat pedophile
Break into people's houses
Ingest fatty foods
And then leave them overpriced presents
Thereby celebrating a culture of greed and all-consuming technology

I myself don't celebrate Christmas
My friends and I have our own holiday

Called 'Cool-Mas'

Where we sit around
And talk about all the people
And things
We stopped liking this year

It usually takes awhile

Oh shoot
It looks like I've spent too much time at this house

I'm going to have to move onto your neighbor

The one with the manger in their front yard

Something tells me
We're going to need to have
A long talk