Jeff Probst Explains How He Got a Talk Show

The thing is, I host Survivor
Which, I mean, even though it's not as popular
As it was, in terms of, like
It being hip, and all
Is still, like, a big hit for CBS
So, people know who I am
Like, I'd say more people know who I am
Than, like, Nate Berkus, probably
The same way that more people know who Pat Sajak is
Than, like, Dr. Oz.

See, it's not about popularity, as in, like, being cool
It's about exposure; it's all about exposure
And I'm, like, way more exposed than most people who have talk shows
That's the thing; I'm already a personality
So yeah, I'm not a comedian like Ellen
Or a doctor like Dr. Oz
Or a fake doctor like Dr. Phil
Or an attractive homosexual like Nate Berkus
But people do know who I am

And this--and this might blow your mind
And this means--being popular, I mean, being known, means
That people like me
Like, think of any celebrity
Any celebrity you want
Do it, right now
Think of somebody
Okay?  Go!

. . . . .

Now, whoever you thought of--
Get ready, because your mind is about to blow
Whoever you thought of
Has a fan club
Seriously
I'm not even kidding
That person you came up with has FANS

It doesn't matter who it is
Or what they do
If they're a celebrity
Somebody likes them
And not just somebody
But, like, probably multiple people

If you think of, like, the best person you know in your life
And then you think of, like, the worst, meanest, most repulsive celebrity you can think of
The celebrity still has more people that like them
Than whatever normal person you know in your life who's, you know, a good person
Unless the person you know is a celebrity, and they're probably not, you know, because you're you

And that's why it's not at all weird that I'm getting my own show
Even though I have seemingly no personality
And no qualifications other than that I host a reality show and, at one time, Rock 'N Roll Jeopardy
Because, ultimately, someone out there in the world--more than just one someone--wants to see that

Somebody wants to hear me talk about daily life
And interview other celebrities
And discuss issues like obese babies and closeted youth pastors

So I'm getting a talk show
And that's awesome, right?

Well, it is

It is going to be
Awesome

And even if you don't watch
Which you probably won't
Because you seem pretty intelligent
And you're not drooling on yourself right now
Or trying to touch your brain by going up your nostrils
Which indicates to me that you have the ability
To view something
Decide it's stupid
And change the channel

So you're not exactly my demographic

You won't watch my show, but you know what?

That's okay

It really is
It's okay

Because even though you won't be watching
Somebody will

Isn't that amazing?

Somebody will