And They Want to F#$k My Boyfriend

I invite them to my birthday party
These boys who want to fuck my boyfriend

I invite them into my home
To eat my food
To drink my alcohol
To hug me and tell me
They're glad to see me
When really
They wish I would just disappear
So they could fuck my boyfriend

I have come to believe
That when you're gay
You have two types of friends
The friends you want to fuck
And the friends you don't
And you always seem to be closer
More simpatico with
The friends you want to fuck
When really, it's just this burning sexual tension
Lingering
In every Facebook photo
Every wall post
Every adorable nickname
Everything that drives your boyfriend
Up a fucking wall

But I don't say anything
I just act like I'm thrilled
That my boyfriend is such a great guy
And that so many people want to be friends with him

Soooooo many people

And of course, I can't be jealous
I cannot be jealous
Because if there's anything you don't want to be
It's the jealous boyfriend

Not because you have no right to be jealous
Because, let's face it, your boyfriend is now spending all his time
With guys who get shirtless for no reason
And have the moral compass of a Central American dictator
So you have every fucking right
And, actually, it would be pretty fucking naive of you
NOT to be jealous

No, you're not jealous
Or rather, you don't act jealous
Because then, a chain of events begins to unfold

You accuse your boyfriend of cheating
Which plants a seed
He starts thinking about cheating
You become less appealing
Because now you're the Jealous Boyfriend

He starts thinking about all those friends of his he'd like to fuck
And no, there's nothing wrong with the fact that he wants to fuck them

Hell, you want to fuck them

You're men
You're human
You're in a committed relationship
Of course you're sexually unsatisfied

But if he thinks about it too much
He just might

He just might cheat on his angry, irritable
Mean little Jealous Boyfriend

And you don't want that

So instead, you invite them over
For your birthday party
And tell them how glad you are to see them
Even though all you really want to do is say--

'Stop giving bedroom eyes to my boyfriend, you shirtless slut.'

Instead you say--'Have some cake.  I spit in it.'

And you laugh like you're joking
But the truth is
You're not entirely joking

Not entirely

Then you watch them hug your boyfriend a little too tight
And kiss him on the cheek--letting their lips rest there a little too long
And playfully grab his ass as if to say--Isn't it funny that we're acting like we want to fuck you when we don't want to fuck--but really--they do

You watch this and you smile
There are Facebook photographs
Testifying to the fact
That you're not mad
You're not upset
You're not thinking about what would happen
If you and your boyfriend broke up

Imagining who in his group of friends
Would be the first to send a private message
A comforting text
Or perhaps just go for broke
Take him out one night
Get him drunk
And do what they've been wanting to do all along

You see these boys
And you put clocks above their heads

This one would wait a week
This one would wait a day
This one would wait an hour
This one isn't going to wait

Because inevitably one of them has already struck
Put out feelers to see if there's any chance
Any chance at all
That my boyfriend is one of the many unfaithful gay men
That gets into relationships for the emotional cushion
But still fucks whoever he wants

One of these bitches has rolled the dice
On my boyfriend being as a big a whore
As they are

And good for them

You gotta admire somebody
Who can take a risk

But if I find out about that gamble
Then all bets are off

Part of me almost wishes one of them would do it
Cross a line so I could justify
Tossing all their asses out on the street

But no, they're all aware of how to play the game
And so I have to keep playing too

It's exhausting, but exhilirating

Exhilarating because at the end of the day
What all of this means
Is that I have the boyfriend
Everyone wants to fuck

And that's pretty fucking cool
If you ask me

So they bring out my cake
And I blow out my candles
And I make my wish

And when all those boys are still in my dining room
Staring me down
Hoping next year my boyfriend and I will be broken up
So they won't have to be a part of this show anymore

I'll know I didn't get my wish

But then I'll look at my boyfriend

With his beautiful eyes
And his strong arms
And his sly smile

And I'll remember that I'm fucking my boyfriend
The boy everybody else wants

And that's the best birthday present
Of all