All the Dead People I Know

The last time I saw Marie
Her husband had just gone in the hospital
And I was assuring her that he would be fine
Because I knew Richard
And he was strong
Very healthy
Jogging, always jogging
And I believed
That despite what I had heard
He would be fine

I used to be one of those people
Who ignore facts
And state platitudes
Optimists, I believe they're called
So I saw Marie that day
And gave her my platitudes
Then went to the butcher's to pick up chops for dinner
And two days later Richard was dead
And I went to the funeral
And Marie was, of course, a changed person
Totally lifeless, more so than even Richard
And I don't mean that as a joke
Sometimes it seems like the dead
At least the dead that go that way
A stroke, and then another stroke
Are the lucky ones

I never saw Marie after that funeral

Because, you see, I wasn't initially friends with Marie
I married Tom, and Tom was friends with Richard
And Richard was married to Marie
Then Tom died, then I was still friends with Richard and Marie
Then Richard died
And so it seemed Marie and I were only connected
By dead people

And that just seemed to morbid to even address

What I find as I get older, however
Is that I'm connected to most people
Through dead

You get to a point--
If you're grumpy and don't like making new friends
Which is exactly how I am
Well then, you get to a point
Where you stop wanting to make friends
You stop wanting to start from scratch

You look at people
People you don't know
And you say--

I don't want to talk to these people
They don't know anything about me

But all the people who know anything about you
Are dead

So what are you to do?

Well...

You go to funerals for one thing
You limit conversations to the immediate
You don't bring up the past
You lose touch with anybody
That reminds you of anybody
That happens to dead
Which is everybody

You sort of...

You start waiting for it
To happen

Death, you know

You sit in a comfortable chair
You drink wine
You light a fire

You wait for it

You're not afraid of it anymore
Because, well...

I used to have a trainer--

Go with me here
I'm old
I'm allowed to wander off
In thought

I used to have a trainer
Who would work me
Until I passed out

It actually happened a few times
I passed out

And I asked if it was necessary
To go that extreme with me
And he told me
That he needed me to feel
What tired really was
What hunger really was
What pain really was

He said until you know what those things truly were
You can never advance and progress
Both in fitness
And in life

I fired him immediately
But now I understand what he meant

Because now I know what loneliness is
And feeling that
Really feeling that

I don't fear whatever death
Might feel like

I don't want to die, please don't mistake me
I do value life
But I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it

Life has become a project
That I never get around to

And all the dead people I know
Keep cropping up
In whatever stories
I try to tell

Vacations, weddings, birthday parties
Lovely afternoon dinners
With family and friends

All tainted
All sad now

The last time I saw Marie
Not counting the funeral of her husband
I remember that it was the cusp of Fall
Which, looking back, was very appropriate

Leaves were changing
School was beginning
And Marie and I were getting older
Via the experience of loss

Nothing will age you faster
Than loss

I wish I hadn't given her platitudes that day

I wish I had just taken her to a bench
One of those park benches
Because we were right near the park

I wish I had taken her somewhere
Where she could sit
And I could sit
And we could sit together
And watch people pass by

And just enjoy it
That moment

That moment right before
Everything became
Something else