Evil Twin

Do you find yourself wishing you could say something

Mean and nasty

But stopping yourself

Because you made a New Year's resolution

Not to be an evil bitch this year?

Well, don't worry

We here at Social-Core

Know how you feel

And so we've come up with a new service

That's bound to make your life a lot easier

And someone else's

Living Hell

Introducing--Evil Twin

The new Social Networking tool

That is going to change the way

You live your life

And, at the same time

Act in a way that would be considered

Unhealthy and unstable

For just fifty dollars a week

We will assign you an 'Evil Twin'

(No, they won't look anything like you

It's just a catchy name)

This Evil Twin will become a part of your life

He will follow you around

Go out to clubs and bars with you

And say and do

Everything

You want to

But don't

Because you don't want people to hate you

Need someone to tell your ex-girlfriend

That she's a selfish whore

Who should be sent back to biblical times

When they knew how to deal

With people like her?

Evil Twin will say it

Need someone to go out to Friday's after work

And tell your co-worker

That his breath is eight percent proof?

Evil Twin will say it

Need someone to go out with you

And slap whatever asshole at the bar

Keeps giving you dirty looks

Because you're skinnier than they are?

(See?  We make you feel better about yourself too!

Because you're not really that skinny...)

We'll take over and create all the drama

You don't want to cause

Because you still value your friendships

And pre-existing relationships

We'll slash your ex-boyfriend's tires

While he's at the house

Of whatever streetwalker he's dating now

We'll throw a drink in the face

Of that girl who started a rumor about you

While you hang back in the corner

Because you quote--don't respond to rumors

And--don't believe in violence

You may not--haha--but Evil Twin does

And you don't even have to let people know

We ARE your Evil Twin

In fact, it's probably better if you don't

Decry us

Deny us

And then when you go home

Call us and gives us instructions

For the next day

Oh, and have your credit card ready

We guarantee that you'll never feel angry

Or bitter

Or pent up again

Because you'll have somebody

Doing everything

You want to do

But won't

Because you're still on parole

From the last time you--

Well, let's not dredge up the past

Just call Evil Twin

And we'll ship yours right over

Evil Twin

So that you can be the good person

You've always wanted to be

And leave the rest

Up to us