Regarding the Dance

Mom, I don't need to go to the dance
I know exactly what's going to happen
At that dance

First off, everyone's going to show up
In dresses you would not want me to wear
Because they're made up of two napkins
And half a roll of duct tape

Everyone will be spray-tanned
So that, to the outside observer
It will look like a pomegranate convention
Not a winter ball

At least half the kids there
Will be either drunk, high, or both
Yes, Mother, I realize I'm shocking you right now
But if I don't dispel your myths of modern-day high school
Then you'll probably shoot me with a tranquilizer dart
And drive me down to the Westin yourself
So instead, why don't you just sit back
And I'll continue on with my scary story

Where was I?

Oh right, stoners and drunks.

Seven or eight kids will be kicked out
Because they will be clearly stoned or drunk
And the other kids
The more subdued stoners and drunks
Are grateful for these kids
Because they make them
Look less stoned and drunk

Do you see how that works, Mom?

It's all about decoys

So now the dance is commencing
And things are happening on that dance floor
That would make Caligula
Pick up a Bible
And convert
To Catholicism

Of course, none of the teachers can tell
Because all the students dancing appropriately
Or, the nerds, as they're called
Are kept around the periphery of the bacchanalian lunacy
That is happening in the middle of the dance floor

Again, Mom, decoys

At some point, some couple will break up
And the girl who's been broken up with
Will spend the rest of the night in the bathroom
With six of her friends
Thereby ruining the night for those girls
And their dates
And chances are, Mom
I would be one of those girls
Because you raised me to be sensitive and compassionate
And it's made my life a living Hell

So thanks for that, by the way

At some point, the Ball King and Queen
Will be given
To whatever guy all the girls want to hook up with
And whatever girl all the guys have already hooked up with
And so really, what it is, is a contest to see
Who the two biggest sluts in the school are

Based on what I've seen this year
It's going to be a really tight race

Then, at the end of the night
Everybody will be sweaty and gross
But that won't deter some of my fellow classmates
From making the biggest mistake of their lives
In the back of somebody's jeep
Surrounded by half-empty potato chip bags
And rugby equipment

Now, if you really want me to partake in all that
I will happily go upstairs
Put on your wedding dress
And show up at this travesty
Looking like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations
Thereby cementing my status as
'That Weird Girl Who Uses Big Words and Stuff'

But here's what I was thinking of instead--

What if I stay here with you
And we get a pizza
And watch tv
And talk about how great your dances were in high school
And then at midnight when the Ball is over
I can have the poor girls that were stuck in the bathroom all night
And the girl who got broken up with
Come over and we can have a sleep-over
And they can tell both of us all about the dance

Sound good?

Aw, I was hoping you'd say that, Mom

Why do you think I already ordered the pizza?

What can I say, Mom?
You raised one smart cookie