Miss Brugel Wraps Her Presents

You know, if there's one thing I don't love about the holidays
It's wrapping all those presents
Luckily enough for me
We get an extra day of school this year before Christmas vacation
Because of all the time we lost in September
When the class hamster got out of his cage
Made his way to the school's fusebox
And chewed through most of the essential wiring leading into it

Let's all remember to pray for Scooter, children
Electrocution is not a fun way to go

I heard when they found him
He looked like a burnt marshmallow

But, as you can now see
Everything happens for a reason

Scooter passes on into the next realm
And I have a bonus day with my favorite people in the world
My students!

--And that means all of you can help me wrap!

And while you wrap
I'll put on a little Josh Groban
To get us in the Christmas mood

Then again, Josh Groban gets Miss Brugel in all sorts of moods
Hahahaha--it's a double entendre, children

Remember when we learned about those?
And then most of you had to be sent home
Because your heads were hurting

Wit is a heavy cross to bear

Now, I'm going to have my A students
Wrap the presents for my very special friend
Jenna's mother, Mrs. Toperstein

Jenna doesn't know this
But she may be getting a new Mommy for Christmas
Hahaha--oh no!  No, Jenna, nothing's going to happen to your Mommy
I meant an additional Mommy, sweetheart
You'll have two Mommies!

Oh God, she's crying even harder
Bobby take her down to the nurse
I hear she just got a shipment of percocet in

Jenna go take whatever Mrs. Falkner gives you
And don't tell your Mommy what I said, all right?

Christmas is all about surprises!

Now, I'm going to have my B students
Wrap the presents for my eleven cats

Make sure you get the bows right, children
Mindy-kins is notoriously judgmental
When receiving gifts that poorly wrapped

One year she threw up
All over the DVD I bought for her
Granted, it was the Sex and the City sequel
So it's hard to say what exactly she took offense to
But I think it might have been the bow
So really work on that

You C students are wrapping the tie I bought for the principal, Mr. Condon
Please make sure you wrap that note I wrote him around the tie

The one that says--

'I bought this tie with the Christmas bonus you didn't give me this year--because I'm not bitter.  Love, Miss Brugel.'

Then put on those lab gloves
And sprinkle that powder over the tie
Before you wrap it

Oh no, it's not anything serious children
At worst it'll give him a rash
And at best it'll render him sterile

Either way, it's a win for both myself
And Mrs. Condon

You D students are going to wrap my mother's present
Just remove the fresh fish from the newspaper
And swap it out with the older, not-so-fresh fish

See?  That's easy, isn't it?

Larry, since you're my only F student
You can just keep eating paste
And I'll let you know when it's time to go home

Now, when you tuck under the--

What's this?

This box in my drawer

Children, I've told you about putting things in my desk when I'm--

...A coffee mug that says 'World's Best Teacher?'

Oh children, this is...

I mean, I don't drink coffee
Because it turns my digestive tract
Into a rocket launcher
But it's the thought, children, the thought

You know, sometimes I underestimate you kids
Because you're so young
Just little 3rd graders

And I forget that you can be thoughtful
And kind
And...

Well, why don't we take a break from wrapping presents?

I think you've all done enough hard work today
And we should celebrate
My last day with you
Until you go spend the holidays with your families

So, enough with all the dull present-wrapping

Let's get to work on my Christmas cards!

Oh, look at those little faces fall

You children have such a strange way
Of showing your joy