This Friggin' Christmas Tree

Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Meryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Christmas!

Your father went out
And brought back a bush

It ain't no tree
It's a bush

I know a bush
When I see one

So what if it don't have any berries on it?
That don't mean it can't be a bush

What are you an ornithologist all of a sudden?

That means weirdoes who study bushes
And other things
That are sitting in my living room right now

How the hell are we supposed to decorate this thing?

Where am I going to put the star?

On the head of one of the cockroaches
That are probably infesting this thing?

Benny, cockroaches live in bushes

Cockroaches live in bushes
Ants live in ant farms
And moths come from the balls they put in boxes

Bing, bang, boom

Don't they teach you anything at school anymore?

Don't tell your teacher
That you got a Christmas bush in your living room
I don't want her judging us
Like she did when I sent you into school
With that rooster on your shirt

How was I supposed to know
It meant something dirty?

Even roosters ain't innocent no more
What's this country coming to?

Well, we gotta look at the bright side
The bright side is
This gives us an excuse
Not to hang up
Those Nine Wonders of North Attleboro ornaments
Your grandmother gave us last year

The other bright side is
We got a roof to put the bush under
And a family to stand around it
And that's not nothing

Christmas ain't about the tree anyway

It's about looking around at all the boneheads in your life
And remembering to tell them
You love 'em

So Benny, I love you
And just so you know
Santa didn't get you that drum set for Christmas

You wanna know why?

Because Santa loves your mother
AND her hearing
That's why

Now, c'mere you friggin' animal

It's family time