Crazy After Christmas

Rhonda, why you gotta be crazy
After Christmas?

You had all Christmas
To be crazy

I was expecting it
I was anticipating it
I even bought an extended hose
For the sink
In case I needed to spray you in the living room
Because you keep trying to play 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' on your oboe
And it keeps sounding like a pelican
Trying to eat a baby seal

Brandi!

Brandi, you better not be trying to sneak out
With the receipt
For that coffee maker I bought you

Yes, it's broken, Brandi
I broke it

I pushed the Decaf button in so hard
That now it'll only make decaf
Because decaf is all you should be drinking
Because I'm sick of having a roommate
Who stays up until four in the morning
Calling out answers
On DVR-ed episodes of 'Wheel of Fortune'

You don't have insomnia
You have stupidia
That's what's keeping you up

Ignorance is loud, Brandi
It is loud and inexplicably proud

Tina

Tina

Tina

Stop yelling at me, Tina

I threw out the fruitcake
Because half of it was ham
And half of it was something
That looked like it got sneezed out
Of a giraffe's nose

But NONE of it was fruit
And I don't care if your mother did give it to us
That woman hates you
And she's probably trying to kill you

I gave a piece of that fruitcake to Brandi
And next thing I know
She's licking the tv
And yelling out 'I'm buying a vowel!  I'm buying a vowel!'

Cindy, stop showing off that stupid necklace
Your boyfriend got for you

He paid ten bucks for it
On Clearance
At Target

What do you mean
How do I know that?

Because Brandi works at Target
And he asked her for a discount

A discount on a CLEARANCE item

Plus, the sticker was still on the box
When you opened it

Don't act like you didn't see it

Oh, now she's crying

Tina, don't yell at me
For making her cry

I didn't make her cry
The truth made her cry

Why y'all got to be crazy after Christmas?

We have a nice, happy holiday
And then you all gotta ruin it
By washing the next day
In all your insanity

I'm going out somewhere quieter than here
A bus station maybe
Or a mall parking garage

Y'all can be crazy by yourselves

But remember this
New Year's is coming

And I expect you all
To make some resolutions

Change your lives
Change your minds
Change your pants

Do some laundry

I feel like I'm living
With the Ensemble
From Rent

Lord, I didn't ask for anything for Christmas

All I wanted was to wake up
In a quiet house
With a package of Oreos on the coffee table
And the tv playing 'Intervention'

Instead you gave me crazy people
And 'Wheel of Fortune'

Just tell me next year's going to be better, Lord
Just tell me that

BRANDI!

Rhonda's oboe is not a pogo stick!

Why does Christmas only have to come
Once a year?