Why Ryan Gosling Broke Up a Perfectly Good Marriage

I broke up the marriage
As you probably heard
Because I looked at this woman
This truly beautiful woman
And I thought to myself
I must have her

Then I noticed the ring on her finger
And I realized she must be married
Which meant I was going to have to tell her I loved her
Or she might be a bit hesitant about sleeping with me

So I did that monologue that I did from--
Like, some movie or something

And that was really all it took
Marriage destroyed

Now, I might seem like a bad person to you
But if you think about it
There's really no loser here

I got what I wanted
She got to sleep with Ryan Gosling
And her husband gets to tell people
That he lost his wife to Ryan Gosling
Which, if you think about it
Is really nothing to be ashamed of

Some of you might say--

Did you have to break up a perfectly good marriage like that?

And my answer is--

No, I didn't have to

But she also didn't have to agree to sleep with me

I mean, I knew she was going to
Because I'm Ryan Gosling
And we live in a celebrity-obsessed culture
Where people like me
Can get pretty much whatever we want

I mean, you think she slept with me because I'm hot
Which is true
But it doesn't have as much to do with that
As you'd think

The truth is
It's because I'm a celebrity

If I were this hot
She might consider leaving her husband
But at the end of the day
She'd stay with him
Because their marriage was really solid

Being famous is what pushed her over the edge

The truth is--any celebrity could have ruined that marriage

Paul Giamatti could have ruined that marriage
Philip Seymour Hoffman could have ruined that marriage
Oliver Platt could have slept with her and the husband at the same time
And both of them would have been thrilled about it

It just so happens that I was the one
Who happened to come along
And for that, they should both be grateful

The fact is that no marriage is strong enough
To withstand the glow and glimmer
Of Ryan Gosling

Why do you think I'm not mentioned in the marriage vows?

It's because even if you asked the Lord and Savior
What you should do
If you're happily married
And I come along
He'd tell you--

Do what you gotta do