Between Distrust and Love

We're caught somewhere
Between distrust and love

I'm not ready to get in the car yet
Not yet

I'm not ready to go
And say--'Okay, it's done'

It's done
I'm a fool

I'm not ready to say that yet
But I...

But I'm standing at this impasse
Where I'm supposed to, you know, forgive you


Or...
Just be angry forever I guess

And the funny thing is
I don't, honestly, really, feel angry

I feel, um, stupid, yes
Very, very stupid

I feel confused, um, maybe betrayed
Although that seems like such a dramatic word

And we're not really dramatic people, are we?
I mean, at least, I never have been

I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Cause a scene?  Throw things?

I just--
I just want it to be over

You know?
And I don't even know what over would mean

I wish it had never happened
I think I wish that more than you do

Isn't that absolutely ridiculous?
Are you cold?  I'm so cold

I'm freezing
But I don't want to go inside

I don't want to go inside until this is settled
Until we know what we're telling the kids

What are we saying here?
Are we going to work on this?

Why should I have to work on anything?
I didn't do anything

Shouldn't you have to do all the work?
God, maybe I am angry

You know, I've been waiting for anger
To come along and soothe me

Because anger is supposed to be like denial
It's soothing in its own unhealthy way

I wish you'd cry
If you'd cry then I could feel sorry for you

But I know you're not a crier
But I mean, if ever there was a time to cry...

I thought trust and love were connected
Joined together, the way we were...

But I no longer trust you
And I still love you

How does that work?

Can you please explain to me
Before we go inside
And destroy our children
And rip apart our home
And admit that the happiness we thought we had
Was just a big lie

Before we do all that
Can you tell me
How it is
That I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth
And yet I'm standing here
Still just as much in love with you
As I was before?

And, if I'm being honest, maybe more
Maybe I love you more now
Because I'm so terrified of losing you

Which is crazy
I should want to lose you
But I don't

I'm not feeling any of the things
I'm supposed to be feeling
Except freezing
I'm freezing
And I should be
It's winter
It's cold out here
I'm pissed off
And I just want to go inside
And pretend none of this is happening

God, let me never judge my friends' denial again

I never knew how tempting
It would be
To just drench myself in denial
Like a hot shower

Instead I have to choose awareness
And it feels like eating raw vegetables
When I really just want a fucking chocolate bar

And now we have to go inside

Not because it's right
Or it's mature
Or because the kids are looking out the windows at us
Terrified of what we're talking about

Not because we can't stay stuck here
Between distrust and love
Because, honestly
I could stay here forever

I could stay uncertain
Forever

No, we have to go inside
Because it's too cold out here

It's just too damn cold
To keep this up
Much longer