Someone Else Said It

I'm about to blow your mind

Are you ready?

Everything I have ever told you
Was said by someone else
Was actually something I thought up

That's right

Every piece of advice
Every bit of wisdom
Everything I have ever said to you
That in any way impacted your life
In a positive manner
Was not, in fact, some memorable soundbyte
From Mark Twain
Or Albert Einsten
Or Plato

All of it
Came
From me

Why have I been doing this, you might ask

Why did I tell you
That all the help I've given you
Actually came from me, your friend
And not dead white guys?

Because for some inexplicable reason
You listen to the dead white guys
But you won't listen to me

I give you advice
And you dismiss it

I give you the same advice
And preface it with--

'...You know I heard this expert on tv the other day say--'

And suddenly you have a notebook out
And you're jotting down
Everything that comes out of my mouth

I don't know what it is
That makes you trust what I say
If you think someone else said it

Do you think I'm not smart?
Or sensible?
Or that I have your best interests at heart?

Why do you break up with your boyfriend
When I tell you to if I follow it up
With a fake quote by Gandhi?

Why would Gandhi know more about relationships than I do?
Gandhi never dated!

For years, I've been circumventing you
By attaching famous people
To my own thoughts
And I'm not doing it anymore

And actually
I'm offended I even had to do it in the first place!

WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

Well, yes, I realize I've been lying to you
But aside from that!

From now on
I'm not giving you any advice at all

People who give advice to their friends
And expect them to take it
Is going to find that it melts in their hand
Before it lands on anyone's ear

Abraham Lincoln said that

No, of course he didn't
You idiot

God, I need new friends