During finals, we are allowed to lose our minds
Not merely allowed, but encouraged to
The professors believe it will help us
To let the sanity drift out of our brains
Because, as we all know, sanity takes up too much room
Room that could be given to facts
Numbers, dates, theories, theorems
Wait, what's the difference between a theory and a theorem?
Is that going to be on the final?
Then we remember--
Everything is going to be on the final
Anything our professor has said
Starting at the beginning of the semester
When we showed up to class on time
And took detailed notes
And did extra credit
Before parties and beer and sex
Threw us off-course
And left us feeling like newly released prisoners
Looking at the world
Wondering what we've missed
We blame mid-terms
We aced our mid-terms, and do you know why?
Because mid-terms were installed by the system
That is now tormenting us
So that we will ace them
So that we will feel confident
Overly confident
Causing us to relax
To take it easy
To skip a few classes
Miss a few assignments
And only realize that we need a perfect score on the final
Plus the ten extra credit points given to anyone who can explain the meaning of life
Or else we will spend another year at this school
Where we will be forced to wear a hooded sweatshirt
With a red number five sewn into the front of it
Signifying our fifth year
A year we shouldn't have needed
A year of shame
During finals, we grow beards
We get fat
We lose weight
We cut and trim and polish nothing
We grow pale
We get shorter
We lose manners
We scratch ourselves
And topics that would have seemed inappropriate to us before
Suddenly become all too common in the common room
Masturbation
Bowel movements
What cartoon characters we would have sex with
If we could
And it disturbs us how often the answer is
Donald Duck
During finals, we don't eat solid food
Solid food absorbs things
We can't afford to have anything aside from our brains
Absorbing things
Absorbing things
So we drink red bull and coffee and sometimes pudding
But we think that's okay
But we think that's okay
We question the choices we've made in our lives thus far
Why have we chosen this major?
This major that is clearly so much more difficult
Than all the other majors?
Why did we choose to take an eight am class
That we knew we wouldn't want to attend
When the alarm went off after events like
Phi Beta Phi's 'Sluts and Nuts' party?
Why did we wait until now
To tackle chapter five
Why did chapter five look so much smaller
Until we opened our textbook to it
At twenty after midnight
Only to find that it's the size of War and Peace
And written in what appears to be Sanskrit
Throughout the dorm
We sense multiple disturbances
In the overall well-being
Of the emotional college collective
People are crying
People are laughing at the people who are crying
People are laughing because they know that this time next year
They'll be working on a fishing boat off the coast of Alaska
Because they failed their Intro to Poli Sci final
People are having sex
Because when chaos rears its ugly head
For some reason, it seems like sex is the only logical activity
People need to feel something
Other than their eyes glazing over
The lids drooping
The laps going numb
From nine pound text tomes
Being left on them for hours on end
During finals, the world becomes a giant children's book
Dedicated to opposites
Stoners panic and care too much
Drinkers find themselves stone cold sober looking for anything to keep them even more aware
Sadists hold each other desperate to give and feel comfort
Students from other countries eloquently describe
How, when they fail their finals
They're going to disappear into the folds of America
Opening toy stores and yoga studios
Students from this country
Start speaking tongues
Finding a wealth of information suddenly at their disposal
Except it's not the information they need
The History majors suddenly understand physics
The Physics majors suddenly understand early childhood development
The Education majors suddenly understand that children are evil
And nobody should ever spend that much time with them
During finals, the nights are long, endless
And yet, not long enough
Eternity is helpful, but pointless
As it allows us time to remember and forget
A cruel joke played on us
By the system
The gods
The Universe
Time bends us back
Until our spines break
And then snaps us forward
To wake us up
With newly drained brains
We barely remember our own names
Let alone when Napoleon was exiled
Or what the definition of an isotope is
We question everything:
Our parents
Our career paths
Our religion
Our lack of religion
Our sexuality
Our bodies
Our politics
Our minds
We question why we're questioning ourselves
And this throws us onto a spinning wheel
Like in old movies
When characters would take hallucinogenic drugs
And their eyes would go googly
And Jefferson Airplane would play
Do those movies even exist
Or are we making all that up?
Who knows?
Who knows anything anymore?
We don't
We don't know anything
We open the windows in our rooms
And scream this out onto the quad
'We know nothing!'
Other windows open
Other screams are heard
'We know nothing!'
We're not merely mad as hell
We're stupid as hell
And we're embracing it
We're declaring it
We're taking it
Now and forevermore
'We know nothing!'
We are a generation expected to know
Everything that has happened before us
And to build on it
To work with it
To create new things
That the next generation will be tested on
And it is becoming abundantly clear
That we are producing less than our ancestors
And what we do produce
Is far less exciting
For every IPad there is a new kind of ramen noodle
For every possible AIDS cure there is a new kind of Snuggie
For every one of us that is good and calm and sensible
There are three people who hate
Who are violent
Who destroy
Who do not have what it takes
To continue on in the world
During finals we reach the morning
Like a sailor out of a storm
Reaches the beach
We have salt water in our mouths
Sand in our hair
And no breath
Not a single drop
Of breath
And at this moment
At this moment
When there is nothing left to us
But bones and rapidly evaporating youth
We take our test
And we see
We see if we will be one of those bad people
Who will not continue
Or if we are one of the few
Who will
Move on
Why did chapter five look so much smaller
Until we opened our textbook to it
At twenty after midnight
Only to find that it's the size of War and Peace
And written in what appears to be Sanskrit
Throughout the dorm
We sense multiple disturbances
In the overall well-being
Of the emotional college collective
People are crying
People are laughing at the people who are crying
People are laughing because they know that this time next year
They'll be working on a fishing boat off the coast of Alaska
Because they failed their Intro to Poli Sci final
People are having sex
Because when chaos rears its ugly head
For some reason, it seems like sex is the only logical activity
People need to feel something
Other than their eyes glazing over
The lids drooping
The laps going numb
From nine pound text tomes
Being left on them for hours on end
During finals, the world becomes a giant children's book
Dedicated to opposites
Stoners panic and care too much
Drinkers find themselves stone cold sober looking for anything to keep them even more aware
Sadists hold each other desperate to give and feel comfort
Students from other countries eloquently describe
How, when they fail their finals
They're going to disappear into the folds of America
Opening toy stores and yoga studios
Students from this country
Start speaking tongues
Finding a wealth of information suddenly at their disposal
Except it's not the information they need
The History majors suddenly understand physics
The Physics majors suddenly understand early childhood development
The Education majors suddenly understand that children are evil
And nobody should ever spend that much time with them
During finals, the nights are long, endless
And yet, not long enough
Eternity is helpful, but pointless
As it allows us time to remember and forget
A cruel joke played on us
By the system
The gods
The Universe
Time bends us back
Until our spines break
And then snaps us forward
To wake us up
With newly drained brains
We barely remember our own names
Let alone when Napoleon was exiled
Or what the definition of an isotope is
We question everything:
Our parents
Our career paths
Our religion
Our lack of religion
Our sexuality
Our bodies
Our politics
Our minds
We question why we're questioning ourselves
And this throws us onto a spinning wheel
Like in old movies
When characters would take hallucinogenic drugs
And their eyes would go googly
And Jefferson Airplane would play
Do those movies even exist
Or are we making all that up?
Who knows?
Who knows anything anymore?
We don't
We don't know anything
We open the windows in our rooms
And scream this out onto the quad
'We know nothing!'
Other windows open
Other screams are heard
'We know nothing!'
We're not merely mad as hell
We're stupid as hell
And we're embracing it
We're declaring it
We're taking it
Now and forevermore
'We know nothing!'
We are a generation expected to know
Everything that has happened before us
And to build on it
To work with it
To create new things
That the next generation will be tested on
And it is becoming abundantly clear
That we are producing less than our ancestors
And what we do produce
Is far less exciting
For every IPad there is a new kind of ramen noodle
For every possible AIDS cure there is a new kind of Snuggie
For every one of us that is good and calm and sensible
There are three people who hate
Who are violent
Who destroy
Who do not have what it takes
To continue on in the world
During finals we reach the morning
Like a sailor out of a storm
Reaches the beach
We have salt water in our mouths
Sand in our hair
And no breath
Not a single drop
Of breath
And at this moment
At this moment
When there is nothing left to us
But bones and rapidly evaporating youth
We take our test
And we see
We see if we will be one of those bad people
Who will not continue
Or if we are one of the few
Who will
Move on
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