My Daughter Pressed the Button

Hello?

Oh my God, I'm so sorry
My daughter pressed the button

She didn't know!
She just thought it was pretty

Why do they make emergency buttons red
So that small children will want to touch them?

Why don't they put a scary picture on them
So kids know you only push it
When you have to?

Sophia, sweetheart
Do you see what happened?

Mommy's talking to the emergency operator now
Because you pushed a button
That you're only supposed to push
If something bad is happening

Like an earthquake or a flood or a wild animal
Attacking Mommy's face

That's when we push the button

Oh, I'm so sorry
She doesn't know what she did
She's usually a very good child
But she has to touch everything

The other day we were at my father-in-law's house
And he insists on collecting glass objects
Even though he has grandchildren now
And so going to his house is such a chore
Because as much as well Sophia
That when we're at Grandpa's house
We have to be very careful
And not touch anything
The first thing she does when she gets into the house
Is pick up the glass rhinoceros sculpture
And smash it into a million pieces right there on the floor

To be fair, she's terrified of rhinos
Her therapist says he's never seen anything like it
He's writing an article on it and everything

We were hoping it would be done by Christmas
So that we could put it in our family newsletter
But I guess when you're--

Sophia!

Oh my God, she pushed it again
I'm so sorry
That laughing you hear is not her being amused at the situation
It's a mournful laugh
She laughs when she feels guilty
I do the same thing
Like right now, I'm laughing

Hahaha I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER HAHAHA!

Sophia, please stop pushing the button!

They're going to send the firemen
And then they'll come
And there won't be a fire

No, they won't be relieved!

I mean, they will be, but--

They'll also see that I can't control you
And then the firemen will take you away from Mommy

Who cares if you get to ride on the truck?

You'll be ward of the state!

NO, THAT DOESN'T SOUND FUN!

HELLO?  OPERATOR?

ARE YOU THERE?

Sophia, when the elevator doors open
You have to run

Yes, Sophia we're in big trouble
We're in big, big trouble

What?

Yes, I'd say this is an emergen--

NO, DON'T PUSH THE BUTTON!

Just sit, Sophia
Just sit down in the elevator for a second

Yes, it's filthy
But Mommy doesn't care
Mommy gives up

Go ahead
Push the button

Let's see who shows up
To save us