Why You Can't Have Kids

"Mrs. Montgomery, nice to see you."
"Nice to see you, too, Doctor.  I'm assuming you got the test results in?"
"Yes, we did, and I'm happy to say that we've discovered the reason you're having trouble conceiving."
"Oh God, is it me, Doctor?  Is it my fault?"
"No, I'm afraid the problem lies with your husband."
"It's Bruce?  Oh no."
"I'm afraid so."
"His...(Some sort of uncomfortable hand motion.)...are...defective?"
"Oh no, that's not it."
"It's not?"
"(Chuckles.)  No, not at all.  He's just gay."
"Oh well--wait, what?"
"He's a homosexual.  That's why you haven't been able to have a baby."
"Doctor, my husband is not a homosexual."
"Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Montgomery, but the tests say otherwise."
"My husband and I have...relations quite frequently."
"Yes, but lucky for you, your body has a special kind of conditioning.  It's called Preventative Future Trauma Conditioning.  Basically, it prevents you from conceiving a child with a man under deceptive circumstances.  In layman's terms, your body doesn't want you having a child that will one day be traumatized when they walk in on Daddy and their soccer coach."
"Doctor, my husband is not gay and if he's capable of having children then I want to have one with him!"
"I'm sorry, but it's impossible.  This is a situation where your body knows more than you do.  It can sense the homosexuality radiating off of him like the innocence off a baby's head."
"My husband can assure you he is a heterosexual."
"He doesn't need to assure me.  It's your ovaries he needs to assure."
"I don't understand!"
"It's evolution, Mrs. Montgomery.  With so many closeted gay men in the world, marrying women, and creating families, our biological selves had to do something to stop the disasters that arise when these men finally come to terms with who they are."
"So you're saying--"
"Biological gaydar, Mrs. Montgomery.  And you're one of the first patients I've seen with it.  Congratulations."
"But I WANT to have a baby."
"Then I suggest divorcing your gay husband."
"HE'S NOT GAY!"
"Then why aren't you pregnant?"
"You're the doctor, Doctor!  You tell me!"
"I did tell you.  His gay sperm simply don't appeal to your reproductive system.  I mean, they like hanging out and stuff but they're just not into each other."

(She stands.)

"I'm going to sue you."
"Go right ahead.  I have proof that'll back up my diagnosis.  We have x-rays showing his sperm sitting right outside your ovaries."
"What are they doing there?"
"We can't be sure, but it appears as if they're ice skating."
"All right, that's quite enough.  You'll be hearing from my lawyer."
"Is he gay too?"
"No, he's--I mean, he might be, but that's not the point!"
"He's your husband's brother, isn't he?"
"That proves nothing!"

(As she heads for the door--)

"Mrs. Montgomery?"
"Yes?"
"Your husband isn't running for political office by any chance, is he?"
"..........."
"Thought so."