Carrie's Facebook Talks Her Down

Carrie, I have to show you this

I have to show you this
Because I'm your newsfeed
And it's my job to show you
Anything that might upset you
Instead of you finding out in public
Where you'd have to feign apathy
While you silently dig your fingernails
Into the palm of your hand
To quell your fury

Carrie, Jack is engaged

Now, take a deep breath

I'm going to show you the update

It says--Jack is now engaged to--

Okay, and here's where
You really need to steady yourself
So I just need you to breathe
And relax
And think of--

It's Raquel
It's Raquel from college
Slutty Raquel who always called you Connie
He's marrying Raquel

Okay, now breathe
Breathe
Deep breaths
Very good

Carrie, just remember
There are lots of other guys out there
And Jack was an idiot anyway

You haven't even spoken to him in--

Hang on, let me bring up that last message
Where you called him a soulless Neanderthal
With a small--

Three years!

It's been three years

And you've moved on

Look, Scott from the office is poking you
Taylor the ski instructor is poking you
Your mother is poking you
Although I don't really think she understands what poking is

Oh!  And look at this!

Chris from your gym
Just broke up with his girlfriend
It's a sign!

Wait, he now says he's interested in men

Well...New gay friend!

Yay!  Right?

Oh, look at this
Your sister just posted a beautiful photo of your niece
And Sarah just posted on your wall saying she misses you
And your mother finally managed to tag that photo of you
Falling into your cousin's wedding cake

Look at the beauty of life
All here on your newsfeed

How can you possibly be upset
About that jerk getting engaged to--

Huh

Wow

Uh...

You know what I don't need to post everything that--

Well, it's a...

Um, uh...

It's an ultrasound photo

So...

Haha

Haha

Ha

Wow

Well hey--

At least we know
Why they're getting married