What Walter Remembers About His Daughter's Boyfriends

I remember there was a blonde one
And he was tall
And he called me sir
Which I liked

He seemed afraid
Which I liked

I'd clear my throat
And I'd see sweat come pouring down his forehead
Like he was some sort of
Human fountain

That one didn't last long
My daughter has no patience
For men who perspire

She believes it's a sign of weakness
And she's right

I never sweat

In the army
If they caught you sweating
They shot you

That may be a total lie
But it may also not be a lie

The short one was Italian
I think, I'm almost--

Well, he had a name I couldn't pronounce
And whenever I can't pronounce someone's name
I assume that they're Italian
And I call it a day

He stuck around for a year
But hell if I can remember his name

Probably because I always referred to him as 'Shithead'

Oh, not to his face, of course

When he was around I called him 'Linguini Dick'

I mean, I'm not heartless

Once my daughter broke up with him
There was this unfortunate period
Where she had a new boy every week

Some were notable
Most were not

One called me by my first name
And tried to high five me

I broke his hand in four places
And buried him up to his neck in the backyard
Until his parents came
To pick him up

I informed them that their son was raised improperly
And I'd be happy to recommend a good boarding school for him
Where they'd make him sleep in a bathtub full of cold water
And eat nothing fried cow udder
But they just dug him up
And took him home

Said something about suing me

Goddamn liberals

The last boy was all right
And by all right
I mean, he knew the difference between a noun and a verb
And when I showed him my machete collection
He kept eye contact with me
But also nodded as if to say--

Yes, I'm aware you can kill me
But I'm also not a wimp

I was cautiously optimistic with that one

When he asked my daughter to marry him
He got my blessing first

Truth be told, I was still holding out hope
That my daughter would never marry
And focus on her political career

I wanted her to be the first virgin female President

But I supposed we can only hang so many dreams
On our children
Until they remove some
So they don't get weighed down

With my blessing, he proposed
And then my daughter came to me
And said she wasn't sure she could marry him
Because who would ever treat her
As good as her father did?

And I said, 'Nobody, sweetheart.  So you're going to have to settle for this asshole'

And she did
And she's very happy
And, you know--

He's not such a bad guy

I may even learn his name
One of these days