If You Spend the Night

If you spend the night
You have to leave in the morning
Before I get up
And if I get up in the middle of the night
And you happen to get up as well
You have to hide under the blanket
And pretend you're not there
And if I ask 'Is somebody there?'
You have to say 'No'
So I can go back to sleep

Do not cuddle me
Do not spoon me
Do not wrap your arms around me
Like we're in the sand
On a beach somewhere
Being romantic people
Who do romantic things
Because that is not us
That is not who we are
Or who we are going to be
At any point--ever

Okay?

If you spend the night
Do not whisper to me
Don't whisper anything

Don't tell me how good I look
Don't tell me you've never felt this way before
Because you'll be lying
Because if you've had sex
And I'm hoping you've had sex
Because otherwise I'm seducing a virgin
And that is just really not okay with me
But if you HAVE had sex
Then you've felt what you're feeling right now
And everybody has
And anyone who says they haven't
Is lying
Through their teeth

By the way, don't use your teeth
On any part of me

If you spend the night
Don't breathe into my neck
Don't smell my hair
Don't be weird
Or you might as well leave

I don't have people stay over
I never let people stay over
But you can stay over, if you want
I mean, if that's something you want to do

I'll stay on my side
You stay on yours
And we'll...just sleep

Is that all right?

All right?

All right

Then I guess we'll go to sleep

And you can put an arm around me

Just one

Only one

Okay?

Okay

And a leg

A leg can be involved and...

Okay, let's just--

I'll--

Tell you what

Let's get breakfast tomorrow
And I can tell you
All my rules

Not just my sleep-over rules
But like, my rules for...everything

Okay?

Okay

Great

Well...

Goodnight