A Message from the Principal

Hello Students!

This is your principal
Mr. Pattenwhit
Informing you that school has been cancelled for the day
Because, well, it's just too darn nice out to be in school!

Hang out, the Vice-Principal
Is trying to muscle his way into my office
So he can try and convince me
That learning is more important than living

We have disagreements about things, students
Me and Mr. Fugit
But here's what you have to remember

A Vice-Principal is the bad cop
To every principal's good good
And Mr. Fugit is a very good bad cop
But today, it is just too nice
To have a bad cop at all
Today, all cops should be good cops
Even Los Angeles cops

So, why am I in such a good mood, you might ask?
Why am I suddenly so willing
To let all of you escape your classes
And go frolicking into the fields
Behind the science building
Where we found those six dead raccoons last year?

I'll tell you why

Because I'm in love

I'm in love with Microbiology teacher, Ms. Stanadan

Ms. Stanadan is moderating Study Hall right now
So would everyone in Study Hall please stand up and applaud her?

Go ahead
Stand up and cheer for her
Because she is a remarkable woman
With gorgeous legs

Cheer for those legs, students
Give them their due

Last night, Ms. Stanadan and I
Went on our first date
And it was love, students
It was pure love
From the minute we sat down at the Olive Garden
To the second we pulled out of our respective parking spots
At Pinkberry

Yes, last night was a culinary adventure
But it was also a journey of two souls
Finding each other
Amidst breadsticks
And cherry vanilla yogurt

After last night
Coming into work this morning just seemed...wrong

Who can possibly sit around
In this dull, gray, sad building
Weighted down by all this knowledge and education
When right outside
There's a whole world to explore?

So I release you children
Just like Lincoln released the slaves

As a matter of fact, it's exactly like Lincoln releasing the slaves
Not an ounce different

They were given freedom
And I'm giving you all
The freedom to love

You know, when my wife left me
I never thought I'd know true happiness again

And so I made my life my work

I came in early
I wore ugly ties
I gave out extra detention when most of you didn't deserve it

I was a jerk

But I'm a jerk no more

As soon as you're all out of the building
I'm handing in my resignation
And that'll be the last you see of me and Ms. Stanadan
Because we'll be running away to Niagra Falls
Which is a place you won't learn about in your Geography class
Because it's a lust-filled Wonderland

And hopefully, one day
You'll get to experience it for yourselves

I'll miss you, students
But remember this
The last time you'll hear my voice

Telling you to go
Telling you to run
Telling you that there are some things on this Earth
You just can't learn in school

Oh, and by the way--

Anyone auditioning for the Drama Club's production of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" should bring sixteen bars uptempo and be prepared to dance.

Thank you