Exited its Dark Year
By firing that incompetent autocrat
Enrico M’zerna
They made a very smart choice
By making one of the actors in their company
The new Artistic Director
I liked Sarah Michaels
An awful lot
She was very smart
And, unlike Beth
One of the previous AD’s
She was a real lady
Pretty, nice smile
I was thrilled that I would now be reviewing
Her productions
Instead of Enrico the Tasmanian Devil’s
Theatrical monstrosities
I offered to take Sarah to lunch
When she got promoted
So we could discuss the first production
Of the twenty-first season
(I believe it was Amadeus?)
And other various things
We went to this lovely little restaurant downtown
And had a wonderful meal
But when we got to talking about business
Sarah got very uptight
And said she didn’t think it was appropriate
For an Artistic Director and a Critic
To be talking about the theater
I immediately launched into
‘The Farmer and the Cowman should be friends’
From Oklahoma!
But she was serious
I told her that all I wanted
Was to offer some suggestions
About the direction I believed
The Orpheus should be moving towards
She told me that, with all due respect
That was not for me to say
Unless I wanted to start paying
For my press night tickets
That was the end of lunch
Now, I realize that any story where the theater is the star
Is going to have a critic as the villain
And as the major newspaper’s chief and only critic
It’s a role I’ve become comfortable playing
For quite some time
I don’t mind that Artistic Directors
And actors and designers
And sometimes even the audience
Finds me repugnant
What I do mind is when they say
They don’t care what I think
What I mind is when they say I’m an idiot because I didn’t
like one show
But that I’m a genius when I love another
When they put my good reviews up on the poster
But shred my bad reviews
Or tack them up onto a dartboard
Next to my picture
What I mind is the hypocrisy of it all
Do you understand that?
And I find it funny
Because artists tend to hate nothing more
Than a hypocrite
And yet I find
They’re the worst kind of hypocrites
Hypocrite-hating-hypocrites
Oh well
Miss Michaels was not one of those hypocrites
She didn’t like me
Whether I liked her work or not
And believe me
I often did like it
Very much
She never put me front and center
At any press night
Instead, she gave me the worst seats in the house
And said if I liked the show from there
Than anybody could like it
She was the only director I ever met
Who blocked for the sides
Who hounded actors about hamming it up
And who never kissed my ass
Not once
Not ever
And I liked that
I still raked her over the coals
Whenever she slacked off
And put up a bad production
But that wasn’t often
In many ways, I was sort of in love with her
As twisted as that sounds
She was quite the lady
God rest her soul
Oh, you haven’t heard about that yet have you?
Her unfortunate…
Well, I better not say anymore
After all
A good critic
Never gives away the ending
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