The Tempest

They brought in one of those European assholes

In 1982, at the beginning of the season

It was the 80’s

European assholes were in

Remember, this was the decade

Of Andrew Lloyd Webber

I was a subscriber back then

But that season—oof

Did you see that season?

Or are some of you too young?

Or maybe you blocked it out

Like I did

That was also the year

My husband left me

For his secretary

That was something else

People did in the 80’s

Left their wives

For their secretaries

Now they leave ‘em for their stepdaughters

Don’t be offended, it’s true

You can’t be offended by the truth

That’s why it’s the truth

Now, if you want to talk about offensive

Let’s talk about what that asshole Artistic Director

Did to The Tempest

I knew I was in trouble

When I looked in the program

And saw that his name was Enrico

Nobody named Enrico

Ever did anything worth seeing

Trust me on that one

But I think to myself—

Well, how bad can it be?

It’s The Tempest

Little did I friggin’ know

First off, everybody was naked

Everybody

I’ve never seen so many naked people in my life

And I went to Sarah Lawrence

(Draw your own conclusions)

Then there was all this flipping and toppling

I didn’t know I bought a ticket to a gymnastics tournament

And then—and here’s the clincher

The puppets

Whenever somebody puts puppets onstage

And there aren’t any kids in the audience

I assume they’re mentally deranged

Puppets do not belong

Near adult theater

Especially not when there’s naked people

Running around everywhere

God only knows what could happen

You know, I was married to my husband twenty-two years

And a subscriber to that theater for twenty

And it was a nice little life

Then all of a sudden, I’m single

I’m living alone

And the theater I go to

Is showing me tits and puppets

Like it’s nothing

Like I’m not supposed to be all upside down

About it

Needless to say, I cancelled my subscription

And took up knitting instead

Oh, and my husband got run over

By a pick-up truck

But that’s not really here or there

It just adds an uplifting slant

To the story

I never went back to the Orpheus Theater

And to be honest

I didn’t miss it

One bit

All that brave new world stuff

Just wasn’t for me