The Imaginary Invalid

I’ve never had a director

Actually threaten me

With physical violence

Until Enrico became the Artistic Director

Of the Orpheus Theater

Oh sure, Beau would scream at you

And Beth would pretend to cry

To make you feel guilty

But Enrico was the only one

I truly feared

Our twentieth season was supposed to be this big celebration

Because, you know

We were a theater

In America

For twenty years

That’s an accomplishment, you know?

And Beau should have been there for it

But they kicked him out because of the accident

And so instead, we were stuck with Enrico the Freak-o

And man, did he hate me

Which was fine

Because everybody else hated him

But he really tried to make my life miserable

It didn’t help that business was bad

Because Enrico kept picking these awful shows

And then tried to make them

As shocking as possible

Anyway, you can hear all that

From anybody

This is supposed to be personal to me, right?

Well…

The last show of the—

Ugh, I’m really not proud of this, but…

It was spring, 1983

And we were closing the season

With The Imaginary Invalid

The day before we opened

We had this massive note session

With Enrico

Where he basically told all of us

That we were the worst group of actors

He’d ever seen

And I thought ‘Oh thank God he’s not just picking on me’

But sure enough

A second later

He zeroed in on me

‘And you,’ he said, ‘You. Are. Worthless.’

…..

Have you ever had someone

Call you worthless before?

I mean, really, think about that

Has that ever happened to you?

I’m just an actor, you know?

All I do is act

It’s all I’m good for

And to be called worthless, it’s like…

Enrico hated actors

I mean, he hated them

And I never understood

How someone

Whose only job

Is to work with actors

Could hate doing that so much

And still keep doing it, you know?

I mean, maybe it’s not a director’s only job, but fuck

C’mon, you know?

I’m not your enemy, man

That’s what I wanted to say to him

I’m not your enemy

I got sick over it

I couldn’t go on the next day

I was backstage

And I just thought about it

And I said ‘No, I can’t do it’

Why bother

Why go out there

So this guy can come backstage afterwards

And tell me how much I fucked up

And what a disgrace I am

So I said ‘No, I’m not putting myself through that’

That’s why I told the SM

And the SM, who was really nice by the way

Did her job and went and told Enrico

Who flew backstage

Like, on a tear

And lit into me

About how unprofessional I was

And in Serbia or wherever the fuck he was from

Actors went onstage with missing limbs

Blown up on landmines

In their dressing rooms

Or some shit like that

We found out years later

That Enrico was from Connecticut

And that our asshole Board

Had hired him

Without doing so much as a background check

Go figure

Anyway, he railed at me

In that fake fucking accent of his

Until finally I just had it

I punched him

I mean, I really punched him

Punched his lights out

And I walked

Walked right out of the theater

A lot of people left the acting company

When Enrico was running it

But I was the only one

Who had the balls

To actually knock his lights out

And it…It reminded me, you know, that—

I’m tough, okay?

It’s easy to pick on actors

We’re the ones up there

Putting our shit on the line, okay?

And that’s the opposite

Of fucking worthless

I should have said that to Enrico

But he was unconscious the last time I saw him

So I never really got the chance

I hear he moved back home

After the Board fired him

That’s why every night

Before I go to sleep

I ask God

To protect Connecticut