Sweeney Todd

We ushered in the 90’s at the Orpheus Theater

With Sweeney Todd

Considering how much bloodshed there was at the theater that decade

It seems oddly prophetic

That season was sort of a turning point

It was when we stopped being stopped being looked at as a theater

And start being looked at as the cultural equivalent

Of a Dairy Queen

We started dealing in fluff

That was the year we did nothing but musicals

Not that all musicals are fluff

But, keep in mind, we did The Pajama Game

A theater that once received acclaim for its production

Of The Lower Depths

And was named after Orpheus Descending

Did The Pajama Game

It was all a little surreal

For those of us in the acting company

Anyway, we’re closing the season with Sweeney Todd

And, as you might expect

There were all these mechanisms

To create the blood effects onstage

The thing is, we weren’t really a theater

That dealt with special effects much, you know?

So now we all have all these prop razors

That shoot blood

When you do this or that

Well, I was playing Sweeney

And I couldn’t get the hang of it

Jim, the director, and the theater’s AD

Used to lose his mind on me

Because I would always forget

To trigger the blood in rehearsal

Pretty soon

I was a nervous wreck about the whole thing

Anyway, opening night comes

And I’ve managed to screw up releasing the blood

Every single night of previews

So Jim threatened my job

Seriously, that’s what he did back then

To get what he wanted

He just threatened to fire you

And they weren’t empty threats either

He had me so anxious

That when the show started

And I had to trigger the blood

For the first time

I jammed the button

And the blood not only came out

It wouldn’t stop coming out

The actor I was supposed to be shaving

Got blood all over him

And the audience gasped

But I think they thought it was just an artistic choice

Until I panicked

And turned the razor towards them

Spraying everybody in the first three rows

With fake blood

Including the local critic

And his wife—who I believe was wearing a very expensive looking dress

That was probably reduced to a paint rag

By the time I was done

They had to stop the show

And the stage manager had to come out

And turn off the razor

Only after everything onstage

Was covered in red

Jim did fire me

But he let me finish out the run first

What a sweetheart, huh?

After that, I gave up acting

And went into the novelty business

With my younger brother

My best-seller?

A blood-shooting knife

Sells like crazy around Halloween

Am I sad I left the theater?

Well, the short answer is—

Not that theater

Not the way it was

When I got the axe

That place was nothing short

Of a horror show