Gypsy

Most people refer to the twenty-seventh season

As the godless season

Because that was the season

The Orpheus Theater

Only did

Musicals

I guess Mr. Powers, the Artistic Director

Thought it would be a good idea

Because musicals make money

--Even bad musicals

So that’s what he did:

A year of bad musicals

It started with Gypsy

Which, by the way

Is a really easy musical

To do poorly

All you have to do

Is find the worst leading actress in the world

And then give her the hardest part

In American musical theater

Her name—was Sheila

Just Sheila

Like Cher or Satan

Sheila was all she needed

And I played her Baby June

I was younger then

And perkier

And I hadn’t started dying my hair black

Sheila sucked the youth out of me

Like a bee sucks pollen from a—

Oh, I don’t know

I flunked science

Because my mother homeschooled me

So I could audition for that show ‘Kidz 2 Kidz’

Seventeen times

The point is, Sheila was a nightmare

She threw temper tantrums

She didn’t know her lines

And one time, I was napping backstage

And she cut off most of my hair

Claiming that I was trying to take her role from her

She thought everybody wanted her role

Me, the girl playing Louise

The guy playing Herby

And most of the box office staff

But the worst thing of all

Was that when the show opened

Sheila

Got great

Reviews

Because make no mistake about it

When somebody is that awful

The only thing worse than them destroying a show

Is having them sell a show

And that’s just what she did

She sold that show

When it was all over, the director had to be hospitalized for exhaustion

And I gave up theater forever

But Sheila immediately went onto her next engagement—

Evita

What else, right?

I’d like to say I had a nicer time

Working at the Orpheus

But the thing is

From what I hear

That was always sort of what it was like there

The crazy people were good

So the crazy people got rewarded

With great roles

And once they’d destroyed everybody else

They just kept right on going

Who knows—

Maybe it’s not just the Orpheus

Maybe it’s like that everywhere

I never stuck around long enough

To find out