To open the thirty-fourth season
This was 1996
And I was playing the maid
Not Amanda
Because the actress playing Amanda
Was screwing the director
That’s not gossip
That’s a fact
If it’s a fact
It’s not gossip
That’s a generally agreed-upon rule
Anyway, halfway through the show
She wanted the director to leave his wife for her
Which we all know
Is something that happens
All the time
He said ‘No’
She flipped out
He got her fired
I saw the whole thing in bits and pieces
And I filed it under
‘Shit I Do Not Need to Be Swimming In’
But I saw her, the former Amanda
At the coffee shop I go to
So I went over
And asked if I could pull up a chair
‘Look,’ I said, ‘No part of this is fair
And that’s because men are mixed up in it
No situation
Involving a man
And a woman
Where the man was in control
Ever wound up
Being fair’
I paid for her coffee
And I went on my way
When I got to the theater that day
I found that director
And told him that if he was going to make it a point
To keep on sleeping with his actresses
Would he please see to it
That I was no longer acting in shows
Directed by him
‘I don’t know if you mean that,’ he said
‘I direct an awful lot these days.’
And I said, ‘Well, you being my ex-husband and all
I’m not sure it’s a good idea for us to work together anyway’
He never left anybody for me
I had to kick him out
And I mean really kick
That’s how I knew he wasn’t going to leave
Wife Number Two
Even though God knows
She’d deserve it
I had the luck of being Wife Number One
And I say luck, because—
Everybody feels bad for you
When you’re Wife Number One
Being Wife Number One
Doesn’t cost you any jobs
Although you end up playing your fair share
Of maids
Instead of leading parts
Like you used to
Oh well, right?
Oh well…
No comments:
Post a Comment