Medea

I guess I’m nervous

That actors just aren’t meant

To be parents

Like, it’s just one of those professions

You know?

Like, I hear about surgeons

And how they’re never around

Or these crazy business people

Who spend every waking minute

At their office

And I think—

Why do those people have kids?

But why do I have kids, you know?

We were doing Medea

In 2007, the fall

And my son was just starting school

And my husband is at the police academy

And my lines weren’t sticking

And I thought—

I should give one of these things up

One of these things

Should go

And do you know what’s weird?

And by weird, I mean, unacceptable?

When I thought of each thing

Like, in terms of

If I could go back in time

And change one thing

--I’m not sure I’d change the fact

That I’ve been in love with theater

Since I was eight years old

But…

Would I not have met my husband?

Would I not have gotten married?

Would I not have my daughter?

Compared to theater

Those things seem…negotiable

And, you know, that kind of thinking

Is prized by the people I work with

By the directors who work with me

They can tell

That I would give everything up for this

At a moment’s notice

But I feel like regular people

Normal people

Would just look at me in horror

If they knew

How much I was willing

To sacrifice

So what does all that mean?

That to be a good actress

I have to be a bad wife?

A bad mother?

A bad person?

You say you’ll do anything

And then someone shows you anything

And you think…

Can I do that?

Am I capable of doing that?

I might be, you know?

That’s the scary thing

To keep this

This thing that I’ve loved

Almost my entire life

I just might be capable

Of anything