The Wild Duck

It’s true that some critics

Are failed actors

Or, well, ugh

I hate that term

‘Failed’ actors

As if theater is a test or something

As if I didn’t study

Believe me, I studied

Then I had triplets

Test failed

I guess

Or something

Anyway, theater became unfeasible

For me, anyway

Which is a shame

Because I really loved it

And when my friend became the editor

Of this local paper

Not the major paper

But the smaller one

Which I think reports way better news anyway, but—

Ugh, never mind

Sorry

I write better than I speak

Trust me

Anyway, I actually did one of the first Orpheus shows

And then I got married, had the kids

And I just couldn’t, uh—

So when I got offered the critic job

I thought, Great, what a great way to, you know

Get back into the swing of things

It never occurred to me

That it would be awkward or anything

Reviewing people I used to act with

Because, you know, most of them were gone by that time anyway

Except Sarah

Sarah was still there

And not only was she still acting there

She was also the Artistic Director at that point

And, uh, well…

It did end up being sort of awkward

Because she and I were very close

When we were onstage together

And the first show I had to review

Was something she directed

The last show of the season

It was, uh, spring 1984

And the show was The Wild Duck

Which, I mean, is a bad show when done well, you know?

I mean, who ends a season with Ibsen?

That’s like ending a meal

By throwing acid in someone’s face

Anyway, I didn’t like the show

I’m sorry

I didn’t

I liked other things I saw there

When Sarah was the AD

And of course I wasn’t a reviewer when I saw THOSE shows

I started reviewing with the Ibsen

So….I was honest

I said, you know, I didn’t like it

And I remember seeing Sarah

After the show

At that opening night party

And I was trying to sneak out

And she came over

And hugged me

And said how great it was to see me

And how good I looked

And—

How was I supposed to give her a bad review?

How?

But I also had an obligation, you know?

I had a responsibility

People were going to PAY to see that crap

How could I tell them it was good?

And I should have just quit the job right then and there

But we needed the money

I mean, we had triplets for godsakes

Can you even begin to imagine how many diapers—

So I wrote it

I wrote the review

I was…fair, but…not terribly kind, you know

Fair but not kind

Like some sort of

British boarding school

Headmistress

The next press night wasn’t until that fall

And when I got there

Sarah saw me

But she didn’t smile

There was no hug

I think I got a chilly wave

From across the room

This was our relationship now

Artist and critic

God, I hated it

But I kept doing it

When you’re an actress you work sometimes

But when you’re a critic, the work—

It never ends

It’s like architecture

There’s always something that needs looking at

And something that needs tearing down