The Play Everybody Hated

When Sarah became the Artistic Director
She did one of the ballsiest things
That has ever been done
At the Orpheus Theater

She had us do an entire season
Of new work

I remember when she announced
What we were doing

Everybody in the room recoiled
At the words

'New' 'Work'

I remember looking towards the door
To see if I could make a quick getaway

I'd done new work before
And it always turned out badly

For one thing, audiences don't like it

They want to know what they're seeing
Is an established property

In other words, they want to know people in New York liked it
Or didn't like
So they that they have permission
To feel exactly the same way

For another thing, as an actor
You never know what you're agreeing to
When somebody offers you a brand new play

'Hey, do you want to play the prison matron in this new play?'

Uh...

Jesus, you could be agreeing to six lines
Or sixty
Or onstage nudity
Or a long monologue about how your father
Walked into the ocean
Which prevented you from ever loving again

I did not
Want to do
New
Work

But I liked Sarah
She was...ugh, I hate saying feisty
But she was
She was feisty
And I trusted her

We were actually roommates for awhile
Before she got promoted to AD by the Board

We'd go on awful double dates
And then come home
Eat two tons of old Chinese food
And do impersonations
Of each other's dates

I was particularly good
At doing Lazy Eye Guy
Who she went out with six times
Because she felt bad turning him down

That was Sarah

So when she proposed new work
I said, 'Sure, Sarah, put me in whatever you want'
And she did
She certainly did

I was in the first show of the 1984-1985 season
And to be honest
I'm surprised there was a second show
Of the 1984-1985 season
After that one

Our show was about these three talking turtles
That you eventually find out
Are murderers
But then it turns out they're not murderers
They really are turtles
But they murdered the fourth turtle?

God, I was in it and I can't even remember it

It must be like childbirth
You block out all the pain
So you can get back onstage again

The audiences were appalled
I mean, we weren't killing kittens onstage or anything
We just making a mockery out a twenty-one year-old beloved institution

It may have seemed that way
But trust me, Sarah really loved
That stupid turtle play

I have no idea why
But she really did

She was so upset
When the audiences hated it

If I had one criticism about her as our AD
It was that, sometimes, she had a hard time
Seeing the forest through the trees
But she had such a good heart

When she got sick
And...

Well, anyway, uh, I was there
For a lot of that
Because we were so close
One of the last things she said to me was--

'The turtle play really was awful, wasn't it?'

And I said, 'Yeah, hon, it really was'

Then I did my Lazy Eye Guy impression
And we had a good laugh

Sarah was always taking risks
She never saw the point
In playing it safe

That's why I loved her so much

Theater, new work, life
It's all the same, you know?

Sometimes you hit
And sometimes you miss